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Many times, some parents of visitors will ask me confusedly: "Professor Rong, I brought my child to do hypnotic psychological counseling for my children, but why do you always talk to me?" "Many people may also have such doubts and incomprehensions.
Why? If we think of every member of the family as a cog, and a family is a unit made up of many cogs.
In a family, A involves B, B pulls C, and C also affects A... because of the influence of others, so it becomes a cycle that is difficult to find out who started. And if this cycle is full of negative emotions and conflicts, one person will be accused of being the initiator, the "scapegoat" often referred to in family therapy.
For example, if a child is found biting his nails and pulling his hair frequently, many adults will first stop the child, punish him, take him to the doctor, and even ask God to see if he has encountered anything unclean and how to stop these "abnormal" behaviors.
But is it possible that his nail-biting and hair-pulling behavior is related to inner anxiety? And this anxiety comes from the parents' lack of flexibility and overly strict discipline in their daily lives. The strict discipline of parents comes from the fear of getting things out of control, projecting too many unreasonable worries and negative predictions on their children? And these worries come from their distrust of each other's intimate relationships in marriage?
If you "believe" that the child has a problem, you can focus on adjusting the child; by focusing on the child, you can avoid facing the suspicion and conflict between husband and wife. However, these things are often difficult to be perceived by individuals, so when the child bites his nails and pulls his hair, the parents once again believe: "This child does have a problem, if there is no strict discipline, it will be difficult to pull yourself into a bald head in the future." ”
As everyone knows, it is this too strict upbringing that makes the child appear this behavior of wanting to alleviate anxiety.
If parents can't perceive how their own growth experience affects their current upbringing, and are unwilling to face up to how their parenting style affects their children's emotions and behaviors, they will throw the "problem" at the child and push the responsibility to the end, thinking that he is not well behaved and unhygienic. So it's this child who has a problem and needs to change. Once you've lost a problem to someone else, you don't need to take responsibility for your own problem. And all this is often done without realizing it.
If we add the gear combination of parents interacting with members of their respective families of origin, we will form a more complex ecology. Sometimes we will find that even if some members of the original family have passed away, the gear that represents him still continues to play a role, promote every member of the family, and affect their attitude towards life in this world.
Later, it is actually difficult to find out who started to turn in the first place. What is certain is that no matter who starts, the steering and speed of any gear can affect the original rotation form.
The topic returns to the psychological counseling room, why should the counselor talk to adults?
The child's behavior often shows his adaptation to the environment. The main living environment of children is nothing more than two: family and school. If the child's problem behavior is precisely because of the bad factors in the environment, if you do not adjust the relevant factors in the environment, you want to curb some of the child's bad behavior, one is to do half the work, and the other is that these anxiety and negative emotions that have not been dealt with are likely to make the child's deviation behavior like a gopher: one behavior disappears, but another bad behavior emerges.
Throwing problems and responsibilities to others, especially children whose cognitive thinking is not mature enough and cannot grow judgment, is always the easiest way, but it is also the next way to make the whole situation the least positive change.
Therefore, in the face of children's behavior problems, I usually invite teachers and parents to sit down at the first time and seriously ask: "In order to help children, let us first turn our attention back to us, see how we live our lives and communicate with our children in what way?" ”
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