Stephen Gilligan, a doctor of psychology at Stanford University, once admitted in a lecture:
People often begin to explore inward and look for psychological support because of pain.
This is human nature, but it is also regrettable.
According to the World Health Organization, depression is becoming the second-largest killer in humans after cancer. As of now, an estimated 350 million people worldwide are sick.
Among them, according to data from the China Health Commission in 2008, nearly 30 million children and adolescents (younger than 17 years old) in China have depression.
In 2012, 2679 adolescents (aged 10-25 years) in 25 districts of the Chinese mainland had a 20.3% depression rate. That is to say, about 1 in 5 children has a tendency to be depressed.
It can be said that the problem of depression among adolescents on the mainland has reached a very serious point.
Adolescent depression, it can occur at any time or already around us, or even in our own homes.
It is not an isolated case and has developed into a social problem.
Although there are many reasons why children are depressed, such as related to the child's innate personality, related to some traumatic events, and related to academic pressure.
But studies have found that if children live in a functioning home, the chances of developing depression are drastically reduced.
In general, a well-functioning home includes the following four aspects:
Reciprocity.
Parents and children are equal in their efforts to each other. Give your child the opportunity to participate in help when the parents are in difficulty; when the child is in need, the parents also respond positively.
Communication and connection.
There is no cold violence at home. All family members can express their emotions safely and chat freely.
Harmony is greater than conflict.
Although there is conflict, the main theme of the family is harmonious and happy.
Good emotional atmosphere.
The emotional atmosphere of the family is warm and loving. Every family member wants to go home from the bottom of their hearts.
Mothers play the most important role in every family, and mothers' anxieties come from many sources. The most important of these is the instability of the marital relationship, which leads to the mother's sense of dependence on marriage and security, and gradually shifts to the child. Because this is after all blood relations, from a psychological point of view, it is the most secure and secure spiritual sustenance, so it leads to a symbiotic relationship between mother and child or mother and daughter, and this symbiotic relationship is actually a projection of an unstable marital relationship.
One of the most critical points in the Chinese family is the lack of the role of the father, who is always busy at work or for other reasons. Especially in single-parent families, the role of the father is completely missing, behind an estranged husband, an invisible father, there must be an anxious mother, a repressed woman. This anxiety depression is bound to be projected onto the child, who unconsciously assumes the role of husband, so that the family relationship can re-reach a pathological balance, all the focus of the family is on the child, and all the disputes are also for the child. Use the problem of the child as an excuse to refuse to improve the gap between husband and wife. The child's left and right protrusions in various emotions are like trapped animals struggling, and the psychological conflicts brought about by them will be more intense. Subconscious insecurity comes from the projection of mother's anxiety and is the source of most mental illnesses.
If children do not learn to integrate the mind and body, when they go to society, they are bound to encounter more setbacks, can not really integrate and lead to many psychological problems, of course, how to guide children to integrate the mind and body is not the scope of discussion in this chapter, since we find the problem, but also to find a solution to this problem to find a way out. The formation of the family problem is not a one-sided reason, nor can it be clearly explained in three words, let alone solved overnight, its complexity is far beyond everyone's imagination, because the position determines the viewpoint, from everyone's point of view to look at the problem, the conclusions reached are different, so there is also a clean official difficult to judge the housework, therefore, at this point, we just how to explore how to deal with the mother's anxiety, people can not transform others, but we can change ourselves, only ourselves have changed, The problems around us will also change over time, otherwise all changes will be a delusion that stays in the mind.
It is said that the current mother is very anxious, so what are they anxious about? What is the cause of their anxiety?
The reason why mothers are anxious is that many times they do not look at the facts objectively, such as children who did not take a good exam once, anxious mothers are easy to amplify problems under the influence of nervousness, worry that children will not be admitted to key middle schools, afraid that children will not be admitted to good universities, worried that children will not be able to find good jobs in the future... Imagine that the child's life is over!
Let's take a look at these six pictures to understand the "truth" of mothers' anxieties:
The source of the picture is New Oriental Family Education, BeanIe Painting
The things that make mothers anxious are not only children, but also many family chores, work pressures, self-improvement, social interactions, etc. that we encounter every day... The next sentence may enlighten mothers: mothers' anxiety is not only unhelpful to their children, but also very harmful.
No one educational method applies unless mom lets go of anxiety!
As a mother, we shoulder all kinds of pressures, professional work, housework, husband and wife relationship, mother-in-law relationship, childbirth, education, pension, if the father is absent, we even take the father's job...
Education has always been the top priority in parent-child relationship, mothers are still meticulous in life, about education, mothers who love their children do not dare to be sloppy, and anxiety is so easily infiltrated into the daily parenting and teaching of mothers in the name of love...
What is the biggest problem in homeschooling now? I told him, anxiety. Nine anxious moms, one anxious dad, he said why is mom anxious? Macroscopically, it is because there is a concept at work, and this concept is not to lose at the starting line.
Where the mother's anxiety manifests itself, first of all, it is to urge the child.
I have asked many children, which sentence of your impression on your mother is the most impressive? The child said: Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. If people are urged for a long time, they will have two ends of the performance. One end will become compulsive, everything must be pursued to a perfection, there are children who do not do well to pull their own hair, and write like a print; When I got to high school, I set high goals, but high goals were often accompanied by high anxiety, and finally the school could not go, and the situation before the college entrance examination became a mess. There are too many of these cases.
What's the other end? No motivation, nothing. There is also a comparison. Who is better than you, even if this word is no longer said, but the comparison in the heart has never stopped. As long as you think about how good the sons of colleagues in the unit are, it is not pleasing to see your own children.
Anxiety is a highly arousing emotional state that cannot be seen, touched, and sometimes even felt, but its effects are pervasive in many ways.
It is easy for people to become narrow, rigid, and only see parts of things; feel uneasy and fixed in search of definite answers; anxious and eager to solve problems quickly; always have troubles and have no time to feel the feelings of others... Unfortunately, enough patience, sinking heart, and feeling children's feelings are often the only way to get close to the child's heart, and diversified thinking, inner flexibility and resilience, bearing uncertainty and frustration, etc. are often the qualities and abilities that children need to learn and internalize from an early age in their growth.
Approaching the child's heart is the premise of education, it makes the child more willing to absorb your education; becoming the child's initial role model is the beginning of education, it makes it more convenient for the child to identify with your education. However, these are often demands that anxious mothers cannot meet.
Reading books, listening to lectures, and seeking educational methods are all out of the mother's love for the child, but for their effect, we often can't ignore a premise - the mother's thinking. Only mothers can let go of the anxiety in their hearts, let themselves settle down, return to rational thinking, strengthen their positions, make room for their hearts to accommodate their own and their children's feelings, to reflect on the true and brave strength, in order to bring their children a lifelong education - there is strictness, tolerance, frustration, encouragement, fall, repetition...
Therefore, any authority, any method is unreliable, unless the mothers first have a stable and firm heart!
How to be a mother who is stable and not anxious?
So, how do we adjust our state and be a mom who isn't too anxious?
Study diligently and understand the laws of children's physical and mental development
As we've talked about before, anxiety a lot of times stems from our inability to understand or understand things. Therefore, if we understand more about the laws of children's growth and learn more scientific parenting methods, then we can have a lot more confidence in the face of various problems in children, and we will no longer be so anxious.
Some mothers find that their children become rebellious when they are two or three years old, like to say "no", want to do everything themselves, and lose their temper when they can't do it. The mother is worried that the child is too obedient, and she is very anxious about it. But if we have an understanding of the child's psychological development, we will know that this seemingly disobedient performance is actually a normal manifestation brought about by the child's autonomous development. Then, try to give the child as many opportunities for autonomy as possible, and be gentle and firm when refusing, then you can help the child successfully pass this "first reverse period" and grow up more confident. For example, after the child reaches puberty, some mothers are worried that the child will fall in love early, so they do everything possible to prevent the child from getting along with the opposite sex. But if we know that it is normal for children to have a good feeling for the opposite sex during this period, what needs to be done is to create a good family environment and do a good job in sex education, the child will not be prone to early love, and early love will not cause serious damage to its learning and life.
Grow positively and become a better version of yourself
If you put all your energy on the child and equate the child's performance with your own value, you will inevitably be too anxious about the child's situation. Some mothers give up their careers to take care of their children and stay at home full-time with their children. As a result, the circle is getting smaller and smaller, and the information received is relatively single. As soon as the child has a wind and grass, he is anxious.
Therefore, whether it is a stay-at-home mom or a mom who needs to work, if you want not to be too anxious about your child's situation, you can spend more time and energy on your career and personal interests. When your life becomes rich, when you can get a sense of value and security from your career, friendship and other things, you can respect your child's vitality more and allow them to grow in their own way.
Overcome the heart of comparison and accept the ordinary
When the desire of Jackie Chan to hope for a female chengfeng is too strong, some "disobedience" or "unsuccessful" of the child will be particularly difficult to tolerate, and every effort is made to control the child to avoid these situations from happening. Indeed, when children are young, every new change in them makes us happy, and we once thought that our children were the smartest and most perfect. But as children get older, we will find that children are actually ordinary people like us. They will indeed have their own strengths that we need to distinguish and encourage, and there will be many shortcomings that we need to accept and tolerate.
If we refuse to accept the fact that we and our children are just ordinary people, always hold too high standards to demand children and ourselves, and often put "other people's children" in words, not only make us become very anxious and frustrated, but also hurt the children's self-esteem. Each child is unique, and only by letting go of the comparison heart can we seriously appreciate the state of the child and encourage them to have a unique life.
Learn to ask for help
As the saying goes, "A woman is weak, but a mother is strong." Since becoming mothers, women have become braver and more resilient. However, although mothers have their own divine powers, they are not omnipotent. If you have to carry everything by yourself, it is not easy to achieve peace of mind. Therefore, when we feel stressed, when we feel anxious about the child's physical or behavioral performance, we must learn to actively ask for help.
The object of help can be the child's father, can help you take care of the child's elders or friends, they can give you life help and emotional support; when you are worried about the child's physical health, you can consult the doctor in the hospital, they can eliminate your unnecessary worries about the child's physical aspects, but also give you the right guidance; in their own psychological pressure is particularly large, can not rely on their own and relatives and friends to get rid of the trouble, you can go to the psychological counselor to help. They can help you sort out your feelings and thoughts and become a healthier and more peaceful version of yourself.
Finally, may everyone become a wise, mature, peaceful mother, and may every child have a healthy, happy and positive life!
▍ Article source: Network