Guangzhou Psychological Counseling Guide:
The influence of the family of origin on a person is indelible throughout his life.
Ms. A came to counsel due to marital problems. After graduating from a prestigious university, she has an enviable career: English translator for a large foreign-related company; My husband, Mr. B, has outstanding ability and is an executive of a multinational enterprise. They have a house and a car in Guangzhou and a lovely son.
Such a marriage is very happy and enviable in the eyes of outsiders.
However, they were in pain, with an average of one small quarrel for three days and one big quarrel for five days.
Although they often divorced, the two were separated, divorced and remarried, and repeatedly tossed. In pain, they had to seek help from marriage counseling.
In marriage counseling, they blame each other for today's marriage situation, and they all feel that it is each other's problem.
When the marriage counselor learned about the original family of the two, the core problem slowly surfaced.
Ms. A, born in a patriarchal family of origin, her father abandoned their mother and daughter when she was very young because of illegitimate children. A's mother also disliked her, always feeling that it was because of her that she would be abandoned by her husband. Sometimes, when A is wronged, her mother will only say that she is useless.
Later, her mother remarried, and she had many conflicts with her stepfather, often setting off bloody storms. She felt that she was living in a state of pain and fear, and rarely felt her mother's love.
Mr. B, also has a bad native family. For as long as he can remember, his parents have been at odds. His childhood witnessed the whole process of parental quarrels, cold wars, betrayals, and divorces.
He always remembered the scene: his parents arguing and he crying next to him.
After his parents divorced, he lived with his mother. At that time, his mother's health was not very good, his work was unstable, and the incomplete family and financial constraints made him experience the sadness of life early on.
Fortunately, the two unhappy people from their original families worked hard, were admitted to key universities, and had a good job.
They all feel that they must make themselves happy, and they must give their children happiness. After walking together with such good wishes, the couple often quarreled, and sometimes even quarreled in front of their children.
Obviously feeling that the child is also unhappy, the two blame themselves, pain and confusion: we have a house and a car, a considerable economic income, and we don't lack anything, why do we always quarrel? Why do you have to make yourself so uncomfortable? Why let children experience the pain of their own childhood?
Through psychological counseling, they found that it was the subconscious mind that could not make itself happy, so it would self-sabotage.
Tan Suyi, senior counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, analyzed:
Tan Suyi
· I heard about it, senior counselor at the Psychological Counseling Center
National second-level psychological counselor
Psychosexual counselor
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation
People consciously pursue happiness, but the subconscious mind prefers the kind of life environment that has been adapted, that is, fixed to the old internal pattern.
A person who has been unhappy since childhood, if he cannot cultivate and break through himself in adulthood, he can only continue to be an unhappy and unhappy person.
A and B consciously want to get rid of pain, but because the early life is painful, entangled, and sad for them, their subconscious has become accustomed to such an experience, and gradually internalized into their psychological model, even if they grow up, the material conditions change and the living environment improves, but no matter how the outside world changes, their internal patterns deep into the bone marrow have not changed qualitatively.
Therefore, once the subconscious mind perceives that it is going to live a happy life, the bottom of the heart is afraid and cannot bear the betrayal of its original family, and he will inexplicably continue to toss, make a mess of the original good life, make himself miserable, and compulsively repeat the experience of the early years.
There is another important psychological reason for unhappiness in childhood and unhappiness in adulthood - fear. Change means no longer loyalty, that is, betrayal, and betrayal is punished. Because of the fear of punishment, they dare not betray their original family, dare not betray their parents, and therefore dare not change or be happy!
Perhaps they consciously feel that there is one reason or another to make their lives unbearable, but in essence, their subconscious does not make themselves happy.
In fact, when the two are in conflict and entanglement and quarrel, they are some irrelevant and trivial matters, and the next day they often do not remember what they are arguing and entangled in. Why do they use these little things to ruin the couple's relationship?
In fact, these fuses are often created by themselves, under the banner of making each other and life better, but in fact, in order to make themselves unhappy, it is the subconscious that makes them return to the entangled and painful state of their early years.
When they understood such an inner root, they all breathed a sigh of relief. When they begin to become aware and grow within, it is easier to break through old patterns and break down their own fences, and they can achieve true happiness and freedom.
Therefore, a person's childhood life largely determines his happiness index in later life. People who are unhappy and unhappy in childhood can achieve some worldly success, but it is difficult to obtain inner happiness, or the happiness index is limited, such as Hitler.
Adolf Hitler, Austrian-German, Führer and Chancellor of the Third Reich, leader of the Nazi Party, initiator of the Second World War, a devil who made God tremble...
Hitler's childhood was full of all kinds of unhappiness, he lived in a violent family, and was violently beaten by his father from an early age.
Hitler also mentioned later: I never loved my father because I was afraid of him, he had a really bad temper and often whipped me.
Hitler suppressed the extreme pain inflicted on him by traumatic childhood experiences and projected it onto the political arena he later fought for.
He never married in his life, and his close friendships with some women were usually broken by Hitler's perverse behavior, Hitler's mistresses were tortured, and all women close to him eventually committed suicide or attempted suicide.
The enlightenment this brings us is that giving a child a happy childhood is the best gift of life for a child, far more important and precious than giving him a wealth of money. What is the point of guarding the wealth of the family, if there is no way to enjoy happiness and happiness, but to destroy your own life and make yourself miserable?
Guangzhou Psychological Counseling reminds you: have a happy childhood, we have the ability to be happy when we become adults, and we have the priority to enjoy happiness. No matter where you go or what kind of life you lead, you can enjoy life happily.