"I don't expect you to support me when I'm old": How are those parents who talk ruthlessly

A psychologist was asked in an interview:

"When you were with your parents, what did they say that hurt you the most?"

She replied that when she had a dispute with her mother, her mother said to her:

"Forget it, I should not raise your daughter, and I don't expect you to raise it when I am old in the future, I will live by myself."

After becoming a mother, she still can't forget her inner reaction back then:

Angry, guilty, disappointed, wronged, wronged, in short, complicated...

After the interview questions were posted online, 98% of netizens said that they had heard their parents say this when they were growing up.

I don't know when this generation of parents seems to have the same tacit understanding: you can't expect too much from your children.

When there are conflicts or disputes with children, "don't have to provide for me" often becomes the "last big move":

"It's not that I don't have a retirement salary, what you do has nothing to do with me"

"Just your little money, still waiting for you to give me a pension?" Just take care of yourself."

"We don't expect you to retire, and you don't have a burden..."

No matter what state of mind the parents were in when they said this.

None of them can change the fact that the child has gone to the heart.

How does it feel when a child hears the words "I don't expect you to retire"?

Happy? Not to feel like Atlas any longer? Do my parents understand me?

Or is it severely suppressed from the moral high ground, and does not dare to make any excessive demands on parents?

Friends have similar experiences.

When I was in school, I had a dispute with my parents because I was studying liberal arts or science. She insisted on studying liberal arts, and her mother was so angry that she didn't want to pay attention to her anymore:

"You don't listen to me for such a big thing, forget it, anyway, I don't expect you to raise it when I'm old."

In her eyes, the choice to study literature is not important, the important thing is,

She didn't understand why her mother would compare her happiness for the rest of her life with this matter. She said:

"I felt aggrieved and cried so anxiously, I didn't understand where the sudden sadness that swallowed everything came from, but it completely enveloped me as a child, I was like being hit by something, overturned into the deep dark sea, I felt completely denied, and I couldn't even talk about calling for help."

Many years later, when she had her own children and family, she could often think of her mother's words.

Was my self really so bad at that time?

Even the cruel words spoken by the closest people will not disappear with time.

On the contrary, it is more like a thorn that cannot be pulled out, pierced in the heart, and repeatedly.

Later, after entering the society, I had a deeper interpretation of this:

"These languages are layered and deepened, layer by layer, and layer by layer put the child in a situation of total denial, making the child feel that he is worthless, as if he is late."

At first glance, it sounds like the selflessness and righteousness of parents, but in fact, there is hidden accusation and pressure.

If you are genuinely afraid that you will affect your child, there is a better way to communicate.

A father gave a good answer in the comment area:

"Although you pursue the life you want, Mom and Dad will fully support you and will not drag you back and become a burden to you."

Loved ones, there is no need to use malicious scrutiny and speculation.

It consumes not only the child's dependence and trust in the family, but also the sense of responsibility.

In other words, are parents who don't expect their children to retire really ready?

It is not ruled out that there will be very strong parents who do not want to be a burden to their children.

Saying "I don't expect you to retire" at the moment may be a real emotion.

Can be combined with many real sharing cases, there is often a more real motive hidden behind this statement:

I don't want to work too my children, and I don't expect my children to give too much for themselves in the future;

questioning the abilities of their children;

a bargaining chip for children to "listen to themselves";

And there is one more, and it is also a commonality for most parents,

It is to use the stimulation method of not needing love to tell children that they need love the most.

Psychologist Shinzo Kato wrote in "Emotional Violence":

"In the name of goodwill, controlling the other party's heart, the controlled party is obviously attacked by the other party, but it is often difficult to resist, this behavior is called a well-intentioned abuser."

No one knows better than parents what people need most in old age.

In the TV series "The World", Zhou's mother once said to her worst third son, Zhou Bingkun:

"Mom has always felt that you are better than your brother and your sister.

Your brother and your sister, after 69 years of gone, my mother felt that they were really gone and would never come back.

When you come back, you can take a look at something, and you can't grasp or touch it.

Aren't you all at home? When you are at home, your mother is at ease. ”

But this child, who seems to be the "most unproductive" in the eyes of the world, is the child that Zhou's mother relied on the most when she was old.

Not only because Zhou Bingkun took care of his parents' diet and living, but also psychological satisfaction.

Even if there is a pension, there is a lot of time,

Without children around, the so-called happiness will also be greatly reduced.

The popular actress who once mixed in the entertainment industry has fame and fortune and realizes the so-called wealth freedom.

After her husband's death, she did not choose to remarry and did not have children.

In her sixties, her life is filled with deep loneliness:

I have lived alone for more than ten years, and the TV at home is on 24 hours.

Someone asked her if she thought this kind of life was good, and she replied:

"Because I have entered old age, my biggest regret is that I have not been able to have children, my life has long been out of touch with modern people, I am afraid that one day I will fall at home, no one will know..."

Therefore, the elderly care is not to nourish the mouth and body, but also to nourish the mind and spirit.

Matter, only the lowest level of requirements.

This phrase is not so much the dashing of the parents' self-sufficiency as it is a temptation for the child.

Test your own worth and establish your majesty in front of your children.

But asking for love in a way that runs counter to it will only hurt both parties.

Even if there is a conflict or dispute with your child, do not solve it in this way.

You can't predict how long your words will affect your child, or how much your child will love him.

Have you seen that documentary in which mothers of children score each other?

When the moderator asked moms how much they would rate their children, many moms spoke out about their shortcomings:

I don't like to eat greens, cry several times a day, disobedience...

The scores are also pitiful, with 7 points, 8 points or even failing.

But when the roles change, the children's evaluation of their mothers is very consistent:

"Mom is very beautiful" "Mom cooks for me, it's very hard"

"I want to protect my mother" "My mother is getting old, I will be very sad"

All the children gave perfect marks without thinking.

Don't underestimate your child's love for you, and don't use extreme language to prove or ask for your child's love.

Every lethal word of language will keep the child away from the full score parent in his heart.

Will also give children psychological hints again and again:

Since Mom and Dad think so, it's okay if I can't do it.

It is better to give more positive influence to children.

There was a popular short video clip about a man returning home drunk in the middle of the night and being beaten with a stick by his 80-year-old mother.

Not only was he not angry, but he stood there with a grin and let his mother beat.

Many netizens were moved by this scene: At this age, there is still a mother fighting, so happy.

So ah, don't let the child lose it to know regret, and don't underestimate the weight of parents in the child's heart.

Bao Mama thought in pieces

Parents sacrifice themselves and spend their entire lives raising a child.

It is the selflessness of parents to let children fly higher and farther without worries;

But it is understandable to directly express the need for children and hope that children can accompany themselves more.

Don't test your children with vicious language, and don't prove your place in their hearts in extreme ways.

You raise me small, I raise you old.

It's not just a responsibility, it's a legacy.

They love you more than they think.