Author: The main creative group Xiaotian
Allowing children to have a decent job and live a stable and secure life may be the common wish of parents all over the world.
But what if the child never meets his expectations?
A couple of parents in Sichuan did not let their daughter find a job after graduation, but forced her to go to the civil service exam.
However, the daughter did not take the exam. After repeated defeats, this test is five years.
Five years later, her daughter still failed to go ashore, and it brought more unexpected consequences - under the successive blows, her behavior became more and more strange, and after going to the hospital for examination, she found that she was suffering from schizophrenia...
It was obviously for the child's future, but in the end he personally ruined her future. This recent news is embarrassing to watch.
But in fact, such tragedies are constantly playing out around us.
How many parents are accustomed to planning their children's lives in the name of love; Get used to saying everything and making decisions for your children.
Unexpectedly, these practices are a great harm to children.
It's just that behind this kind of injury, there is always a justified reason -
"Everything is for your good."
The essence of "for your good" is control
In the Taiwanese TV series "Your Child Is Not Your Child", there is an episode called "Mom's Remote Control".
The mother in the play is a single mother who pulls her son Xiaowei to grow up alone.
For Xiaowei's future, she exhausted her efforts and spared no effort, but the child still disappointed her sometimes.
By chance, she got a magical remote control that was able to go back to any node in the past an unlimited number of times.
So, the mother began to constantly correct every mistake Xiao Wei had made before.
In this way, Xiaowei's life was completely controlled by his mother. Graduation trips, socialization with beloved girls, hobbies and hobbies were all forbidden and replaced by repeated studies.
Only if he behaves well will his mother let life go on, otherwise the slightest dissatisfaction will be torn down.
Xiao Wei, who was increasingly devastated, chose to commit suicide, but his mother used the remote control to save him again and again.
Faced with her son's resentment, the mother was unimpressed. She told her child resolutely:
"In the future, you will definitely thank me."
In the lens, the suffocating logic of maternal love made countless viewers feel the same -
"I care about you because I love you."
"You have to do what I do, or you'll suffer."
"If you are disobedient, you are not sensible, sorry for your parents."
The three words "for your good" may seem so natural, but its essence is actually control over children.
In this way, the child is deprived of the right to free choice and eventually becomes an adult's marionette.
How bitter the heart of the child who was arranged for everything
Not so long ago, I saw such a short video.
A 28-year-old girl in Shaoxing, Zhejiang Province, because her parents did not buy 200 yuan of shoes, actually collapsed in a shoe store and cried, helplessly kneeling.
On the screen, the girl kept shouting:
"If the money is saved for you, will my feet be so cheap?"
"I just want to buy a better pair of shoes, why be cruel to me?"
This scene makes people speechless and heartfelt.
In this regard, education expert Wang Renping pointed out sharply: "28 years old is a full adult, their own money can not be kept and disposed of by themselves, to buy shoes for themselves and kneel to beg their parents, enough to show that the mind is immature and lack of vitality, and this is the result of long-term parental control, resulting in children unable to really grow up and be independent." ”
In fact, this strong control of parents will not only raise a giant baby, but also bring a huge negative impact on the child's body and mind - this is not for the good of the child at all.
In the program "Compulsory Courses for Parents", Zhang Xin, a psychologist at Peking University, mentioned that "for your good" is a sentence that many children particularly hate, and its lethality is very large.
Behind this sentence, it reflects the disrespect of parents for their children. And such a "controlling" parent-child relationship will affect the formation and development of children's self-awareness, self-concept and internal drive.
Previously, a survey by the School of Psychology of Central China Normal University showed that "the more parents want to control their children, the more problems their children's behavior has." ”
As the previous netizen summed up when he recalled that he was controlled by his parents:
"Incomplete personality, life loses its original meaning, life is so tired, sensitive and suspicious and suspicious, and wants to control others."
The flawed desire of parents to control will eventually destroy our children!
So, what kind of behavior does a parent think is overly controlling? In general, the following are included:
1. Monitoring
You want to know your child's every move and thoughts at all times.
2. Mandatory
Forcing children to do things they don't want to do, or even using violence to do so.
3. Moral kidnapping
Emotionally manipulate children through words like this:
"If it weren't for you, my mother would have divorced a long time ago, wouldn't you be able to study well to be worthy of me?"
"Everything you have is earned by Mom and Dad's hard work, can you still disobey?"
"Mom, nothing matters, just ask you to study hard, can't you do this?"
……
4. Demeaning and indifference
Be a bad critic of your children and ridicule their performance at every turn; Or sit idly by when the child needs help.
5. Repression
Once the child's behavior does not meet his expectations, he will be angry and immediately oppose and prohibit it authoritarianly.
You may wish to compare yourself to see if you have treated children like this on weekdays?
The best gift parents can give their children for growth is to let go
British psychologist Claire once said: "The real success of parents is to separate children from your life as an independent individual as soon as possible." The sooner this separation is made, the more successful you will be. ”
The famous Hong Kong singer Chen Meiling is such a successful mother.
She taught her son well, and the three sons she raised graduated from Stanford University in the United States, all of whom are outstanding.
When sharing her educational experience, she stressed that it is important not to make choices for children.
She revealed that when her eldest son applied to American universities, he abandoned those top-ranked schools and chose an average university.
Despite her surprise, Chen Meiling did not interfere with her son's decision, but firmly stated: "I respect his choice." ”
As it turned out, the son's choice was the right one. He was very happy studying at that school and had good grades.
In the book "The Psychology of Good Mothers", there is a "fish tank rule", which means "the phenomenon of faster development of children due to giving them more space." ”
If children are compared to small fish, then the family is the fish tank on which they live. The more parental control there is, the smaller the volume of the fish tank and the more limited the child's growth will be.
Therefore, for children, the real "good for you" is for parents to let go as soon as possible and let them gain the strength to grow. Only in this way can the child, a little fish, enjoy its full exploration and flourish in the vast sea.