Internalize the behavior of parents and continue the model of the original family
A few days before the holiday, Miss Wang's husband took the resort ticket he bought and proudly said to Miss Wang: "The whole family will go to the resort hotel this holiday!"
Miss Wang took the tickets from her husband's hand and counted them, pressed the fire and said, "Eight tickets cost nearly 6,000 yuan. You are crazy, what is this money bad for, you have to throw it into play, it is better to buy something affordable to buy at home. ”
The husband said disappointedly: "Here it is again, don't spend anything, deposit the money in the bank and you will be satisfied!"
The wife said, "Then you should consult with me." ”
The husband was even more angry: "Can you agree to discuss with you?"
The wife did not adhere to it: "You should still be in charge of this family, so I can't manage the household." ”
"No matter what, if you continue to manage it, the days of our old society will definitely be endless."
"What do you mean, I didn't want to buy a set of clothes two days ago, and I'm not saving for this family..."
In this way, the couple's words and I evolved into quarrels, and what was originally a happy thing turned into a sad memory, and the happy atmosphere before the holiday also changed.
Similar scenes often occur in Miss Wang's married life. She herself does not understand why every time she encounters her husband's spending money, she can't contain her emotions, and wants to oppose and stop the other party's behavior, but it often backfires. And the husband is even more puzzled, he just wants to appropriately improve the quality of life, so that his partner and family can enjoy in time, how is this wrong?
Miss Wang's family was not rich when she was young, and her mother was thrifty and maintained all the expenses of the family, but her father never knew her mother's hard work, and the money she saved was always lent out or taken by him at will. Since she was a child, Miss Wang has felt that she has lived a worried life with her mother every day, and she does not know that one day the family's economy will collapse.
Therefore, the act of spending a lot of money can make her feel uneasy.
Although the material conditions of the small family are now abundant, but under the influence of her growth experience, the core complex of "fear of poverty" has long been rooted in her heart, making it difficult for her to achieve dashing consumption.
Although the husband's native family is not very rich, the family has never been stingy in their own food, clothing, housing and transportation, and their parents try their best to create an exquisite family life. This difference alone makes their marriage so hard.
Ms. Wang and her husband internalized the behavior of their parents, resulting in a difference of 108,000 miles in their consumption concepts. They all unconsciously repeated the pattern of their native family and became entangled.
The fate of a daughter is strikingly similar to that of her mother
Lin Lin heard how a mother who is a leader works and lives. As an adult, he chose his college classmates to marry like his mother.
The husband said Linlin was becoming more and more like her mother. Like her mother, this is nothing, but what surprised Lin Lin was that her marriage became more and more like the style of her mother's marriage - full of contradictions, quarrels, cold wars, depression, madness, collapse...
What Linlin can't tolerate the most is that her husband is more and more like his father, not pursuing advancement at all, being at ease with encounters, and hedonism. He has nothing to pursue in his career, but at home he often shows disdain for his wife's achievements, rough temper, and self-respecting behavior, which makes Lin Lin feel her husband's jealous and narrow machismo.
These are the things that Lin Lin disapproves of the most. What Lin Lin hopes is that her husband will call the wind and rain outside and be a courtier at home. That's what a man should be. This is obviously my own criterion for choosing a mate, and I don't know why I chose such a opposite partner. For this reason, the two quarreled countless times, and their feelings were consumed day by day.
Linlin, who has risen step by step from the department accountant to the financial director of the head office, is getting bigger and bigger, her wallet is getting bigger and bigger, and her ability to deal with various people is getting stronger and stronger, but getting along with her husband is becoming more and more difficult, and the quarrels are getting more and more escalated.
Especially after this quarrel, the husband often came home late or did not come home for an excuse. This situation made Lin Lin unwilling to believe that this was the truth, and her anger was extreme. If it weren't for her daughter's sake, Lin Lin would not hesitate to cut through the mess quickly: one knife and two cuts.
In addition to anger, Lin Lin is also reflecting, since she was a child, she did not want to repeat her mother's marriage model, but her marriage is more and more similar to her mother's, her personality is more and more similar to her mother, will her fate be more and more similar to her mother?
Married couples copy their parents
Lola got the deputy high title unexpectedly, which was a happy thing for the family, but as a result, instead of being happy, he made a big fight.
The more Lola looked at her husband, the more angry she became, thinking that her husband would be promoted in a position of year and month, and the family really couldn't refer to this person. This information was received by the husband without leakage. How can a husband who is not to be outdone in front of his wife swallow this breath. A war of words began...
The themes of the couple's quarrels are varied, but the key bomb that makes the two emotionally explode is almost the core problem: the husband's career should be better than the wife's, otherwise it will not be successful.
In Lola's memory, her mother was the pillar of the unit, and her mother had the final say at home. Of course, every time before the mother has the final say, there will always be a quarrel, and the high-frequency words in the mother's argument are: really nothing. In the end, it must have been Dad who gave in. Sometimes even Lola felt that her mother was too strong.
In addition to this, Lola admired her mother at that time and hoped that she would become such an excellent professional woman in the future, but she was unwilling to argue with her husband endlessly like her mother after starting a family. Unexpectedly, my current self is even better than my mother back then.
In the husband's native family, his father is a typical machismo, and he is arbitrary in the family, and he is short-tempered, and it is common for him to be angry with his wife. Lola's husband does not dare to be angry with Lola on the surface, but in his bones Ritter wants to rule Lola and the family.
In reality, Lola's influence on the family challenges her husband's desire for power and authority, and he uses the strong mode of struggle he learned from his father whenever he can.
In the quarrel between Lola and her husband, we see two people playing the role of parents in their native families, reluctantly and involuntarily repeating the pattern of their parents' marriage.
Guangzhou heard about it, senior counselor of the Psychological Counseling Center - Tan Suyi explained
The family of origin influences the marriage now
The words and deeds of parents are like air, existing in every day of our lives, and we have learned little by little how to see and interpret things, how to experience and express feelings, how to understand ourselves and others, how to get along with ourselves and interact with others. The cultural environment of the family nurtures each member: freedom and equality or authority control, perfectionism or going with the flow, affirmation encouragement or accusation, speaking freely or restricting expression, facing the problem directly or passively avoiding the problem...
The native family environment largely determines what we feel and what behavior patterns we learn.
Different native families, in the family culture, relationship model, family rules, etc. naturally have differences, which determines that two unrelated people with the shadow of their respective native families to organize a new family, if the two parties are not aware of this difference, it is difficult to deal with this difference, the old plot will be interpreted according to the rules in their nuclear family, not both defeated, but also haggard. Then, continue to pass it on to the next generation. In this way, the marriage pattern of parents is passed on from generation to generation.
Teacher Tan Suyi concluded
In psychological counseling, understanding the growth experience, original family, and current marital status of both husband and wife, and understanding each other's internal psychological behavior patterns are indispensable links in the process of resolving conflicts and establishing new intimate relationships.
Husband and wife can take this opportunity to explore more deeply the source of their own and each other's personality, mentality, cognition, etc., get out of the shadow of their parents' marriage, help each other grow, improve their ability to manage gender relations in counseling, and rebuild a beautiful and harmonious marriage relationship.
Tan Suyi
· I heard about it, senior counselor at the Psychological Counseling Center
· National second-level psychological counselor
· Psychosexual counselor
· Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
· Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
· Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
· Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation