Strive to be that kind of parent as you wanted, because we are now the child's family of origin.
Author | Ranran Dad
Today's article, from a dad.
In the process of educating his son, he unconsciously applied everything he learned in his native family to his son.
In the face of his son's crying and resistance, childhood experiences and feelings also flooded his heart.
Let's take a look at his reflections.
I've always been strict with my son.
I want him to be strong, brave, obedient, and manly...
However, he loves to cry and is sometimes more vulnerable than a girl.
Every time I see him like this, I get angry.
Just a few days ago, when he was learning roller skating, he accidentally fell and he grinned in pain, and his tears were about to fall.
I quickly picked him up and "comforted":
"Didn't you just fall? Boys are not allowed to cry! Throw the dead! ”
As soon as my words fell, my son cried even harder.
My anger also came up at once:
"Endless? People girls don't cry when they wrestle, just you are pretentious! Just you are vulnerable! There is no boyish look! ”
My son stopped crying, but stared at me with a grievance, and then shouted: "I hate Daddy!" ”
At that moment, this sentence stung me deeply.
I suddenly remembered that I was full of grievances and hurt in my heart, and I also shouted at my father like this.
yes, I was also said not to be like a boy.
He also secretly vowed to be an understanding father when he grew up.
But 30 years later, I completely forgot the harm I suffered in my native family, and unconsciously repeated the role of my parents, inflicting the same pain on my son.
Since childhood, my parents have believed in the parenting theory of "spoiling daughters and harshly raising sons".
My sister is 1 year older than me, and every time she bumps and hurts, my parents will comfort her very gently and patiently, help her find a way, and solve the problem for her.
But when the same scene happened to me, they looked impatient: "You are a boy, what is there to be squeamish?" ”
I remember once, my sister and I went to learn to swim.
At that time, I was clinging to the swimming ring, afraid to approach the water's edge.
The father roared directly: "What is the grind, how can you be less daring than a girl?" ”
For a while, everyone looked at me, and I blushed with shame, so I had to boldly walk to the pool.
As a result, my father thought I was walking slowly, grabbed my arm and threw me into the water.
I was scared and nervous, and I choked a lot of water in the process of fluttering.
In a panic, I searched for traces of my father, but I saw my father gently coaxing my sister into the water.
As soon as my sister cried, my father was gone: "Don't cry or cry, let's just not learn." ”
All the grievances, entanglements, sadness, and resentment turned into tears at that moment.
I asked my father reluctantly:
"Why do I have to be strong, but my sister can cry at every turn?"
"Because you're a boy!"
When I was growing up in childhood, my parents had too much "prejudice" against boys, which really hurt me.
When I refused to sleep in separate beds because I was afraid of the dark, my parents could not see the panic and anxiety in my heart, and only thought that I was too timid.
When I was coquettish and asked my mother for a hug, my mother would push me away:
"It's all half a size, and let my mother hold it, are you ashamed?" It's not okay for boys to be so clingy! ”
When I first started school, I was a little shy and introverted, and my father told me forcefully:
"Would you please be a big boy? Be brave! What is there to be afraid of? ”
Especially when I was sad and wanted to cry, my parents would only tell me seriously:
"Shame or shame? A boy crying and crying, like what? ”
Indifference, denial, ridicule, blow...
Every push from my parents exacerbated my disappointment.
Longings are not satisfied, grievances cannot wait to be seen, sadness cannot be exchanged for comfort, and all the boy's hidden emotions will eventually explode at some point in the future.
When I was in fifth grade, I had a fight with a classmate who swollen my face and I bleed his nose.
In the end, we were all asked to write a week's review by our parents.
Why fight? Why cause trouble?
In the face of my mother's questioning, I yelled back: "It's not because of you!" ”
That day, my classmates told me to compete with him to climb trees after class, and I refused for fear of criticism from my teacher.
As a result, my classmate gave me a middle finger and said, "It's not man at all." ”
This sentence stung the most sensitive nerve in my heart.
I felt blood rushing straight to my head, and I punched him without holding back, and then I started fighting...
I fight because I was taught from an early age that boys cannot back down and cannot be violated.
I get emotional because no one has ever taught me emotional management.
Now that I think about it, what a mistake it is for parents to make boys according to their own ideas and educate boys with stereotypes.
The boy's heart also needs to release negative emotions and need soft love to wrap.
Any education that ignores the inner feelings and needs of boys is futile.
Just like me later, I put on a mask and hid my truest self.
On the surface, I was grinning, had no heart or lungs, and was never weak again.
But actually, I just stopped having hope for my parents and stopped revealing myself.
The superposition of disappointment made me more and more rebellious and disobedient, like a hedgehog with a pricked hand.
And this is just because I don't know how to deal with my dissatisfaction, grievances, fears, anger, sadness, helplessness...
If you think about it, how is my mood at that time not my son's mood now?
Therefore, to raise a boy, it is more important to see his emotions and understand his mood.
To be loved, to love; Only when you are accepted can you feel safe; Being understood, you can have more empathy.
Psychologist Teward Thorndike said:
Only by looking at the problem from the child's perspective can parents understand the psychological needs of the child, not arbitrarily draw conclusions, reduce conflicts with the child, and win the trust of the child.
The upbringing of boys never requires any thunderous means, empathy and understanding are enough.
After some reflection, I summarized the 6 feelings in my heart that year, as a warning to myself, and I hope that all parents can have more "empathy" for their boys.
1. I look big grinning, but I also need to feel safe
Many parents think that boys are naturally grinning, so there is no need to spend too much delicate attention on educating them.
But this is a big misconception.
The boy will test your love for him through a variety of bizarre questions.
It will also test your acceptance of him by deliberately making mistakes and confrontations.
Therefore, hugging, praise, companionship, and tolerance are all indispensable "psychological nutrition" for raising boys.
Give boys a sense of security and nourish their hearts to make boys more resilient when they grow up.
2. Please don't compare me to girls, it will frustrate me more
Because boys are "half a beat slower" than girls' brain development, they often lag behind girls in language expression skills such as listening, speaking, reading and writing.
Coupled with the effects of testosterone, boys often can't sit still and have poor concentration.
The competitive disadvantage was already very frustrating for the boy.
Parents compare boys and girls, he will have a deep sense of denial, more than more, it will be difficult for him to build up self-confidence, and it is even more difficult to raise his head in front of others.
Momentary backwardness, combined with negative psychological cues, equals long-term failure.
Parents put their minds right and give their boys more patience and encouragement so that they can slowly catch up.
3. When I cry, I actually need your understanding and help
Falling hurts, is sad, sad, and expressing it with crying is a normal emotional flow.
Not allowing the boy to cry does not make the boy strong, but cuts off the boy's feelings.
The repressed emotions will not disappear, but will be depressed in the boy's heart.
One day, it will erupt in a more intense and unexpected way, which is not conducive to the healthy development of the boy's personality and personality.
When a boy cries, what parents have to do is not to stop, but to understand and help.
Understand the boy's feelings, accept his emotions, see the boy's problems, and help him come out.
Allow the boy to be vulnerable and he will be powerful.
4. I'm not a tantrums, I just don't know how to express them
Having boys at home is like having a walking powder pack.
Drop things without saying a word, cry, get angry, yell...
In fact, it is not his fault that the boy is prone to anger.
The early development level of the language area of the boy's brain is late, his own language expression and control ability is relatively poor, and when negative emotions come, they often move faster than language and cannot communicate verbally.
Teaching boys to express themselves is a good way to reduce boys' tantrums.
When a boy gets angry, we can first ask him: What problem are you experiencing?
Then ask about the impact it has had on him.
Finally, guide him to say what he needs.
Problems + Influences + Needs, these three steps can help boys calm down from negative emotions and change from emotional expression to rational expression.
5. I want the opportunity to express myself
Boys are generally mischievous, impatient, rough and handsome.
So many times, parents like to tell boys to lean aside.
But in fact, every boy has a man living in his heart, they have a desire for performance and a desire for protection, and they long for the opportunity to show themselves.
Give boys a little task, and they will be happy to participate in it and feel more accomplished.
Let the boys help at the right time, and they will actively work hard to do a good job and gain a sense of self-worth.
Even if the boy screws up, it doesn't matter, who didn't grow up groping through setbacks?
Give your boy a little more opportunity to show and give proper recognition to their efforts, and the boy will move in the direction you want.
6. I need your praise more than criticism
American psychologist James said: "The most essential need of man is the desire to be affirmed." ”
Boys are naturally strong, face-loving, and often crave the affirmation and recognition of adults.
However, in life, parents are generally strict, and they always feel that boys cannot praise.
The more critical the result, the worse the boy; The more you blow, the more rebellious the boy becomes.
Praise and affirmation are the confidence and confidence for boys to grow into talents.
When praised, praise effort, not cleverness;
It is necessary to boast of specific qualities and details, not general casual praise;
Boast sincerely, not perfunctory.
The most important thing of praise is - to make the boy feel recognized by his parents and feel loved.
Psychologist Li Xue once said: The best nourishment for children is to confirm their feelings.
If we want to raise a good and wonderful boy, we must first read the boy's heart and give them a warm upbringing.
Give them courage to see true boyhood;
Give praise to boys in order to raise a confident and cheerful child;
Give the sun back to the boys, and they will shine brighter in the future.
May parents be gentle, patient, and tolerant for the sake of the boy's tomorrow...
In this way, the boy can be rich in heart, tenacious, have the courage and confidence to face the wind and rain, and live a brilliant life.