If there's anything I learned in college, it's that the poet Philip Larkin really said, "Your dad and your mom hurt you, not intentionally, but they did hurt you." ”
At that time, shortly after I gave birth to my son, I returned to school to study clinical psychology. Thinking about children in my head and preparing a final thesis on hand, it is easy for me to notice studies on how parents harm their children.
Of course, everyone knows that spicy moms, who are presidents of the School Parents and Teachers' Federation, and who bring milk and bake cookies every day when their children come home, will raise completely different children. But most of us fall between these two extremes, and in this range, many things can be done wrong if we are not careful.
As a mom, I wanted to do it right. But what is "right"? With this question in mind, I walked into the bookstore. All past studies —from John Ballby's "attachment theory" to Harry Harlow's monkey experiments—have shown that:
If you can't read your child precisely, misunderstand their signals, or give them too little love, decades later, they'll most likely walk into a psychotherapy clinic (if there's enough money to pay for it), sit on the couch, lean back against a box of tissues, and tearfully recall what mom did to him and what dad didn't do—50 minutes a week, sometimes for years.
Later, as a psychotherapist, my main job was to re-evaluate the parents of the children who came to the clinic, providing a "corrective emotional experience" that allowed them to inadvertently empathize with us with their early feelings of being hurt, and then giving different responses—more thoughtful and empathetic responses than they had received in childhood.
But after I began to receive patients, I found that the most painful thing for many children is not that their parents have done too little.
These kids have everything
But it's just not happy
My first few patients were almost textbook models. When they talk about unhappy childhoods, I can effortlessly relate their sadness to their growing experiences.
But, soon, I met an exception, this girl in her 20s, intelligent and beautiful, let's call her Lizzi.
Lizzie has solid friendships, close families, and feelings of extreme emptiness. She told me that she came to counseling because she was "just not happy."
Frustratingly, she added, she couldn't find out what she was upset about. She said she had a "wonderful" pair of parents, two wonderful siblings, supportive friends, excellent education, cool jobs, a healthy body, and a beautiful house.
In her family history, there have been no people with depression or anxiety. So why does she always have insomnia? Why is she always hesitant, afraid of making mistakes, unable to insist on her own choices? Why does she think that she is not as "amazing" as her parents have always said, and feels that "there is always a hole in her heart"? Why does she describe herself as feeling "erratic"?
I was stumped. What is the problem in this case of the indifferent father, the blame-seeking mother, and other laissez-faire, demeaning, disorganized caregivers?
As I tried to figure it out, something amazing happened: there were more and more similar patients. My couch was full of adults in their twenties and thirties, self-described as suffering from depression and anxiety, having difficulty choosing or focusing on a satisfying career path, not being able to maintain good "intimacy", feeling a sense of emptiness or lack of purpose — but their parents were blameless.
On the contrary, these patients talk about how much they "adore" their parents, that they are their "closest friends" in the world, that they have always responded to their needs, and even paid for them to receive psychotherapy (and of course, pay for their rent and car insurance), which makes them both guilty and confused. After all, their biggest complaint is nothing to complain about!
Parents do their best
But the child cried of emptiness
At first, I was skeptical of these people's statements. Childhood is generally not perfect, so if their childhood is perfect, why are they so confused and unconfident? This is contrary to what I have learned.
But after spending some time together, I came to believe that they weren't whitewashing or misinterpreting.
They really have caring parents, giving them the freedom to "discover themselves", encouraging them to do whatever they want, picking them up and dropping them off from school, and accompanying them to do their homework;
Helping out when they are bullied or isolated at school, getting tutors in time when they're worried about math, paying them for music lessons when they see them showing the slightest interest in guitar (and allowing them to give up when they lose interest);
Talk to them when they break the rules, rather than simply punishing them rudely (using "logical consequences" instead of punishment).
In a word, these parents are very "considerate" and devote themselves to guiding my patients through the trials and tribulations of childhood. As an overwhelmed mom, I often wonder how these great parents did it all when listening to patients.
Until one day, another question came to my mind: Are these parents doing too much?
Yes, I, and countless others like that, are trying to be good parents, so that in the future our children will not fall into the couch of the psychologist, and I am witnessing the flesh-and-blood consequences of this parenting method. We try our best and exhaust to provide proper parenting for our children, and when they grow up, they sit in our offices and tell them that they feel empty, confused, and anxious.
When I was a PhD student, the clinical focus in the college was on how the lack of parental thoughtfulness affected the children, and no one thought to ask, if the parents are overly considerate, what about these children?
Overprotection deprives of happiness
In the United States, parenting has always been a controversial topic because the risks are too high and the various schools of thought are difficult to conclude. Between different sects, there has always been a fierce tension: intimate parenting school vs strict teaching school, children's center school VS parent center school, social wind direction "thirty years of Hedong, thirty years of Hexi".
But the fundamental purpose of all parenting laws is the same: to raise children into happy adults of the future. My parents wanted me to be happy, and my grandparents wanted my parents to be happy. However, what has changed in recent years is that people's perceptions and definitions of happiness have changed.
Nowadays, happiness alone is not enough, you are happier. The American Dream and the quest for happiness have mutated from "seeking general gratification" to "you must be happy at all times and in every way."
"I'm happy," Gretchen Rubin writes in the best-selling book "The Happiness Project," "but I should be happier." "This quest has taken the nation by storm and become a national movement.
So how happy should she be? Rubin wasn't sure either. She sounds exactly like some of my patients: she has excellent parents, a "tall, dark, handsome" (and wealthy) husband, two healthy and lovely children, a large group of friends, a mansion on the Upper East Side, a Yale law degree and a successful freelance writing career... Still, Rubin wasn't satisfied, "as if something was missing."
To dispel her "melancholy, restlessness, depression, and scattered guilt," she embarks on a "journey of happiness": making a list of actions, buying 3 new magazines every Monday, and constantly cleaning up her wardrobe.
After a full year of hard work, Rubin admits she's still struggling. She wrote: "In a sense, I made myself even less happy. ”
She goes on to reveal one of the so-called "mysteries of adulthood": "Happiness doesn't always make you happy. ”
Pursue happiness as a goal
It will only lead to disaster
Modern sociological research supports her claims. "Happiness, as a byproduct of life, is a great thing," says Barry Schwartz, a professor of sociology at Swarthmore College, "but pursuing happiness as a goal can only lead to disaster." ”
Many modern parents are tirelessly pursuing this goal, but it is counterproductive. My colleagues and I began to wonder: Could it be that parents are too protective of their children when they are young, to avoid making them unhappy, and only then deprive them of their happiness as adults?
Paul Bourne, a psychiatrist at UCLA, says the answer may be yes. In clinical practice, Bonn has found that many parents do everything possible to prevent their children from experiencing even the slightest discomfort, anxiety or disappointment. When the child grows up and faces normal setbacks, he thinks that things are seriously wrong.
He said: When a toddler is tripped by a stone in the park, has just fallen to the ground, and has not had time to cry, some parents will fly over, pick up their children, and begin to comfort. This effectively deprives the child of a sense of security – not only in the playground, but also in life.
If you don't let your child experience that moment of confusion, give her a little time, let her understand what happened ("Oh, I fell"), let her grasp the frustration of falling first, and try to get up on her own, she won't know what it's like to be uncomfortable, and she won't know how to deal with it later in life when she encounters trouble.
When these children go to college, they text their parents for help because of the smallest trouble, rather than finding their own way to solve the problem.
If, when a child is tripped by a stone and her parents allow her to recover for a second and then comfort her, the child learns, "It was scary for a second, but I'm fine now." If something unpleasant happens, I can settle it myself. ”
Bonn says children cope well on their own, Bonn says, but many parents never figure this out because they're too busy reaching out prematurely when their children don't need protection.
It reminds me of myself when my son fell in the bunker and an arrow rushed forward.
I remember when my son was four years old, a friend of mine died of cancer, and my first thought was: I couldn't tell him. After all, he didn't even know she was sick. I knew he might notice that we weren't visiting her anymore, but all the parenting books I've read have said that hearing about a friend or relative's death is terrible for a child.
Eventually, I told my son the truth. He asked many questions, but did not faint in shock. In short, in Bonn's words, my trust in my son made him trust me more and ultimately more secure.
By informing him about it, I sent a message: I believed he could tolerate sadness and anxiety, and I would be on the sidelines to help him through it. If you don't tell him, you send another message: I don't think he can handle it. And this is the message that many adults convey to their children in an implicit way every day.
Children don't like classmates in the same car
His parents personally drove him to school
Dan Kendron, a lecturer at Harvard University and a child psychologist, said that children cannot develop "psychological immunity" if they do not experience painful feelings.
"It's like the development of the body's immune system," he explains, "and you have to expose your child to the pathogen or the body won't know how to respond to the attack." Children also need exposure to setbacks, failures, and struggles.
I know parents who call school to complain when their children don't make up for a baseball team or get a role in a school-wide show. There was also another child who said he didn't like to ride to school with him, and the parents didn't let the child learn how to tolerate others, but simply drove the child to school himself.
These children did not experience any hardship until puberty. The so-called civilization is to learn to adapt to imperfect situations, but parents often encounter unhappiness and immediately intervene to pave the way for their children. ”
Wendy Mogall, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, became a consultant to several schools in the United States after publishing the book "Let Go of Children" 10 years ago. She told me that over the past few years, college admissions directors have reported that there are now more and more "teacup" new students——— they are so fragile that the slightest hit can shatter.
"Parents, out of good intentions, digested all their worries for them throughout their childhood," Mogel commented, "and as a result they grew up and didn't know how to face setbacks." ”
University-employed "Parent Expellers"
This may be why patients like Lizzie end up in front of a psychiatrist.
"Even with the best parents in the world, you still have less happy times," says Jeff Bloom, a Los Angeles family psychologist, "and a child should experience normal anxiety to be adaptable." If we want our children to grow up to be more independent, we should prepare every day for their future departure. ”
Bloom believes that many of us simply don't want our children to leave because we rely on them to fill the emotional void in our lives. Yes, we have invested countless time, energy, and wealth on our children, but for whom?
"We confuse our own needs with the needs of our children and think it's the best parenting," Bloom sighed.
I asked him why he sighed, and he explained, "It's sad to witness this. I have told parents countless times that they are paying too much attention to their children's feelings because of their own psychological problems. If a psychiatrist tells you that you need to spend less energy on your child, you should know that the problem is already serious! ”
In an article for The New York Times last October, Rene Barcher, a mother in Louisiana, described the emptiness she felt after sending her daughter to college in the northeastern United States.
Barcher wanted some comfort from other friends who were mothers, but they were busy buying refrigerators for their children's college dormitories or rushing home to help their middle school children turn off their computers.
So Barcher also went to her daughter's dormitory from time to time, found all kinds of excuses to criticize her daughter's friends, stayed for a long time on the pretext of helping to move, and at first she defended that it was for her daughter's good, but finally admitted: "The 'helicopter parents' people say are people like me." ”
Mothers like Barcher are not uncommon. Every year, Mr. Mogel said, parents stay on campus and college administrators have to use a variety of tricks to "drive out" new parents. The University of Chicago added an bagpipe at the end of the commencement ceremony—the first song to take the freshmen to the next event, and the second to drive parents away from their children.
The University of Vermont employs "parent evictors" who are tasked with keeping parents out of the way. Many schools have also designated informal "parental directors" to deal with difficult adults.
In recent years, there have been many articles exploring why so many young people in their twenties refuse to grow up, but the problem is often not that children refuse to separate and individualize, but that parents prevent them from doing so.
This phenomenon is exacerbated by busy work.
"If you can only spend 20 minutes a day with your child," Harvard's Kendron asked, "do you want to mess with him and make him angry because he confiscated the room, or play a game together?" ”
"We don't make rules for our children anymore because we want our children to like us all the time, even though sometimes they can't stand us, but it's actually healthier for them."
Kendron also observed that since we have fewer children than our ancestors, each child becomes more precious. At the same time, we demand more from our children — more companionship, more achievement, more happiness — and in the process, the line between selflessness (making children happy) and selfishness (making ourselves happy) is blurring.
I recalled a conversation with a camper. She was introducing me to my son's activities in that age group, and when it came to basketball, T-ball, soccer, etc., she said quickly, "Of course, they are all non-competitive, and we do not encourage competition." ”
I couldn't help but laugh, the competition turned out to be a flood beast, and the children avoided it.
What we adopt is actually the attitude of "fish and bear paws": both the desire for high achievement of children and the lack of sacrifice and struggle necessary for them to achieve that achievement.
Many people can spend more time on homework for their children, and do not let their children do even the most basic and simple housework. Are these parents too indulgent (no housework) or too hard -- teaching their children to do good grades is more important than being a responsible family member)?
Choice and security
Ironically, for the most part, self-confidence has little to do with whether a person will be happy in the future, especially when self-confidence comes from constant tolerance and praise rather than from true achievement.
Studies have shown that what can predict a person's future fulfillment and success is determination, adaptability, and the ability to accept reality tests, and with these qualities, people can live a smooth life.
But now, many children don't have the opportunity to learn these qualities. Kindergarten teacher Jane felt this deeply, for example, a mother sent her child to school, and when she was busy checking in, the child ran to the side to play and clashed with another child. Her child got the truck first, but another kid snatched it away.
The two argued for a while, and the child took an old truck and threw it at her child. Her children saw no hope of victory and accepted the arrangement. But the mother stopped doing it, ran over to reason, said "it's not fair", and asked the child to return the truck. "You see, the child was fine, her child was adaptable, but she ruined it all.
"We do teach children not to grab toys, but this kind of thing happens from time to time, and children need to learn to solve problems on their own." Another kindergarten teacher who has been teaching for 17 years said that over the years, parents have increasingly interfered in their children's growth path. "After school, children realize that they are not the center of the world, which is good for them.
"Because at some point, other people's feelings are really more important than theirs." The teacher also said that there are many parents who think they have set limits but do not. When the child was pestered to buy ice cream, the parents first refused, but after several negotiations, they gave in.
"Every year, parents come to me and ask, 'Why don't kids listen to me?' Why can't she accept rejection? I would say, 'The reason why children can't accept rejection is because you never refuse.' ’”
Barry Schwartz, a professor of sociology at Swarthmore College, believes that loving parents give their children many choices every day, and the results are unexpected. "The idea of our time is that having a choice is good, and the more choices the better," he said, "but that's not true." ”
When there are fewer choices, children are more secure and less anxious. Fewer options help them focus on something, which is exactly what they need later in life.
Research shows that focusing on a job gives greater satisfaction, and those who are always faced with many choices are often left behind.
Schwartz told me, "I don't mean to stop letting kids try out interests or activities, but to give them rational choices." A lot of parents tell their children, 'You can do whatever you want, you can quit at any time, if you're not 100 percent interested, you can try something else.' So what's so strange about them growing up to live the same way? ”
He saw the same phenomenon in the students of Smolos' college class. "They can't stand the idea that to choose one interest or opportunity is to give up the other, so they spend years hoping to find the perfect answer." They don't understand that they should be looking for 'passable' answers, not perfect answers. ”
And when we give our children countless choices, we send them the message that they are entitled to live a perfect life. As Harvard psychologist Dan Kendron put it, "When they feel bad, there is another option in front of them." ”
Beneath the anxiety of parents lies the belief that if we do it right, children will not only grow into happy adults, but also adults who make us happy. It's a misconception that parenting, while important, doesn't trump nature, and that different parenting styles apply to different children.
We can expose our children to art, but we can't teach them creativity; we can protect them from all kinds of factors such as vulgar peers and bad grades, but they will always encounter unhappiness in life. In fact, when we spare no effort to provide them with a perfect childhood, we make our children's growth more difficult.
As Wendy Moggill said, "Children are not our work." ”
To sum up, how to raise children into happy adults in the future?
1. Parents let go appropriately, and children with a "sense of participation" can better appreciate what happiness is.
2. Children also need to be exposed to setbacks, failures, and struggles, and understand that they are not the center of the world. A child should experience normal anxiety in order to be adaptable.
3. When there are fewer choices, the child is more secure and less anxious. It is more important to teach children the ability to make choices.
Author: Lori Gottlieb Source: Junior Business School (ID: youthmba), the leading international quality education platform in China, 380w+ Kochi parents are paying attention, helping children aged 6-16 to discover interests and set goals.