Self-healing of childhood wounds

Stop paying for childhood trauma,

and to obtain diamonds from the wounds,

Metamorphosis from difficulties to maturity.

In psychology, trauma generally refers to physical or psychological damage caused by external factors, and psychological trauma is a strong emotional response associated with some life events.

We all have some childhood shadows to a greater or lesser extent, and it is the most difficult to detect, the most affected, and the most difficult to heal of all the injuries.

Over time, they are forgotten by us, and even we don't know that this is also a kind of harm, but we have spent our whole lives paying for its impact.

Childhood, perhaps because of the first intake of the world's images, is deeply affected by any harm; perhaps it is because of young age that it is so helpless and unbearable. These injuries even subtly affect our personality growth, relationships, perception of the world, and so on:

People who lack the company of their parents from childhood may be more rebellious; people who have suffered sexual assault and indecency when they are young may be afraid of approaching the opposite sex; children who grow up under violence will have a worse temper; people who have been suppressed and controlled since childhood may hide deep inferiority, and many are not confident, all from the family upbringing from childhood.

01

Expectant trauma

The so-called anticipatory trauma refers to a kind of expectation of parents for their children.

For example, when the mother is pregnant, expecting a boy or a girl, and the result is different from what she expects, she may be treated differently;

For another example, expecting children to have excellent academic performance, expecting children to be not naughty and obedient, etc., once the child is not what they expect, parents will criticize, accuse, scold, and cause psychological trauma to the child.

Therefore, if such a thing continues to happen throughout the child's childhood, it will affect the child's life, including her view of the world and relationships.

02

Dissociative trauma

Children with separation trauma can be very insecure in their hearts. Mainly because of the instability of the nurturing environment, or the instability of the nurturer himself.

The so-called instability of the parent itself refers to the fact that the parent's mood swings are large, or there are no emotional fluctuations, or they do not have the corresponding parental function at all.

In the process of psychological counseling, I have met many children who are insecure in their hearts.

He/she either went to work outside the country when his parents were young, leaving the children with his grandparents and not seeing each other twice a year;

Or because family planning is overborn, the child is put in another relative's house to raise, and the child is taken back to live with the parents when the child is ten years old;

Others have parents who die of illness or other reasons at an early age.

At a time when the child needs to live with his parents the most and needs the love of his parents, the parents are not with the children for various reasons.

Such a growth environment will make people continue to stay in a state of insecurity, sensitive to changes in the surrounding environment and emotional links in interpersonal relationships.

In order to protect yourself, you can only hide in your own world all the time, fantasizing about how powerful you are, so as to cut off communication with others.

03

Neglect sexual trauma

The so-called neglect trauma is that when we are young, our feelings, wishes or voices are not really seen and truly felt.

Many people will experience this scene when they are young, that is, they fell down, and their parents told him not to cry in order to make him learn to be strong, saying that crying is a shameful thing.

There is also that parents always think that we are still children, many of their own ideas are not understood by their parents, more likely to be not respected by their parents, so that we feel deeply in our hearts that we are worthless, and over time we become an unconfident person.

This trauma can also lead us to want our significant other to play the role of a parent who values us and is always attentive to ourselves, because we are eager to be valued by others.

Therefore, excessive desire for attention is actually ignoring the reaction caused by sexual trauma.

Due to the protective mechanism of human psychology, traumatic memories are suppressed, and below the level of consciousness, in short, people will selectively forget bad things, but these memories are playing a role, affecting the behavior and emotions of the person concerned, and, after many years, the memory may be recalled.

Psychological research has shown that the past bad emotional experience will be engraved in our "relationship model", once the growth process is not well guided, it is impossible to learn how to love people correctly, it is always difficult to be happy in the relationship, and even, constantly repeating the wrong behavior of parents, the shadow of childhood shrouded in their children.

Time can make us forget the pain of the past, but it cannot change the shadow cast by these experiences in our personality, and only by choosing to face up to and heal the past can we embark on the journey of rebuilding our hearts.

04

Self-healing of childhood wounds

Three principles, four steps

Healing childhood wounds, healing wounded inner children, is not so difficult, it only requires us to have a little patience, a little love, a persistence.

Principle 01 Accept the presence of trauma

What is the existence of receiving trauma?

It is to accept the trauma that has been suffered, to face up to the existence of this trauma, not to deny or escape.

Only when we accept the presence of trauma can we make some repairs and adjustments.

Principle 02 Build a link with your past self

The so-called repair is not to blame the parents now, to blame the parents, but to establish a link with the self at that time. As an adult, to protect yourself at that time, so that the feelings of that time can be expressed.

If you go back to the beginning and see yourself at that time, you realize that the little me will need to be embraced by myself and tell him that it is not your fault.

When the feelings of that time are spoken, it is a link with the past self. Tell my past self that I now have enough strength to protect myself, and I don't need to worry about being hurt and nervous and angry anymore.

Principle 03 Block trauma and choose supportive resources

When you embrace yourself and establish a link with yourself, you can make a new choice and change by blocking it. The way to block is to find supportive resources.

For example, my client was looking for a supportive resource for her husband, who chose to confess to him about the hurt he had suffered and told him that he hoped he would give her a hug when she lost her temper.

When they communicate like this, the relationship between them also begins to enter a new pattern.

The trauma of childhood has been inflicted, and whether it is the intentional or unintentional fault of the parents that led to it, this fact can no longer be changed.

Instead of reconciling with our parents and forgiving everything they have done, we, as our present selves, should change our former selves.

The following 4 steps, like a door, become an effective aid to self-healing-

Step 01 Open that door and face the problem head-on

It helps a lot with many childhood traumas, such as the lack of love, care, and injustice and judgment in childhood.

To heal childhood wounds, to acknowledge and see the injustice and difficulty of your own experience. We want to rehabilitate the wounded, wronged child.

You can say to yourself:

It was unfair, I was a child, I should have played freely, but now I have the responsibility of taking care of my family. This is not my obligation, this is my sacrifice, and you do not know how to thank and appreciate me, give me so many criticisms, demands and even orders, you deprive me, order me, harshly rebuke me, this is very unfair!

That is unfair, I was originally a beautiful girl, but you are disappointed in me because of the misogyny, I can't get into your heart no matter how hard I try, even if I do better than my brother and brother, you still like boys to despise me, which is not fair!

That is unfair, originally I was a holy life, but you told me that we can't compare with others, that we should speak for ourselves, but out of fear you want me to go against the grain.

It is unfair that you, as a father, are powerful enough to protect and support me, but you are used to threaten and command me, and you actually enjoy your victory, which is very unfair and inhumane.

Dear friends, we have all suffered from our own injustices, and if our parents were ordinary people, they had tried their best. But even the Buddha Shakyamuni, when he was young, suffered from the unfairness of his parents, and his father tried his best to make him the heir.

You need to fully admit this injustice, not to be afraid of anger and resentment, even hatred, not to be afraid, to be full of anger, to complain, to be unimpeded and afraid, and then the love that is covered by resentment will pour out, and if you love and complain, you can neither love well nor complain well.

If you want to really love yourself, then fully speak for yourself, these are true, why use "should not" to suppress, parents are the most hated people in our lives, if there is "I would like to strangle you" "you are not worthy of being a parent" Similar words are completely normal.

But I'm not talking about revenge, not yelling at my parents, and if it happens, don't feel guilty, and if it doesn't happen, I don't recommend it.

You can accuse your parents of your healer, you can accuse yourself of your parents in front of a mirror, but don't do this directly to your parents.

For parents, I think the maximum words are:

I was really hurt when you did that, and now that I think about it, I'm still very aggrieved.

This step is to admit that the child has suffered unfairness and rehabilitate himself when he was a child.

There is no need to suppress anger and resentment,

Sadness will come in, anger to the extreme is sadness,

When grief comes, acceptance begins;

When acceptance begins, love is born.

For all the anger and resentment,

But it is a desire for love and cannot be sought.

Step 02 Appreciate and thank yourself for surviving

Imagine that child, endured so much, endured so much, wronged so much, suppressed so much, lonely so much, helpless so much, so much pain...

Finally living to the present, having the opportunity to be aware and healed, the opportunity to be myself, is the great achievement of that little child.

I have a picture in my mind that a soldier is injured, he saves himself, he may not be able to leave; He crawled, crawling inch by inch with pain, and came over in sections.

Passing through the thorns through the swamp through darkness, so long, so far, finally came to a safe place, he himself saved himself, he was a hero.

All his efforts and sacrifices were made to keep us alive, and he did, and we can enjoy the security, freedom, and "survival" he brings us. We can appreciate how tenacious and persistent that little child is, and thank him for his hard work and hard work along the way.

For that little child, he is incapable of confronting that circumstance, and the best thing he can do is to save himself from surviving, and if we enjoy this "survival," we have every reason to give that child great appreciation and gratitude.

If we are unwilling to look at and disdain to look at this part, it is not anyone's unfairness, but our own unfairness to ourselves.

Step 03 Forgive parents and yourself

The first is to forgive parents for their ignorance and limitations.

Believing that they love us in the deepest place, believing that they are not intentionally trying to hurt us, believing that they themselves are in pain and limitation.

Forgive them for not having a chance to understand the true meaning of love, forgive them for not being loved well enough, and believe that their attitude toward us is not only the attitude they have encountered, but the best of them, even what they have improved out of love, after their efforts.

There is no need to ask them for love like a little child, but to give love, to give forgiveness, to give letting go as an equal person.

We are stronger than them now, at a higher level of consciousness, much higher, more capable, and more likely to learn and be aware, and when we do stand up, we can love them, forgive and respect them.

The second is to forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself for not being able to take care of yourself, for not being able to give yourself safety and freedom, for not knowing or daring to speak for yourself, and forgiving yourself for your limitations as a child.

Forgive yourself for repressing, hiding, or even deforming yourself in order to adapt to the environment, forgive yourself for accumulating a large number of emotions as a result, so that you will be angry with others, you will be irritable, and your emotions will continue to grow and continue.

Forgive yourself for accepting the wrong teachings and hints of that environment, while the humble self thinks that you are not important, not good enough, that you are not worthy.

Forgive yourself for your inability to know, perceive, and get out of those predicaments, loneliness, and fear; Forgive yourself for not being able to learn self-love, self-esteem, and self-comfort in that environment, often oppose yourself, and often criticize and even criticize yourself.

Forgive yourself for learning not to be good at your own ideas and patterns, thought patterns, feeling patterns, and behavior patterns.

Forgive yourself for being unfair to others because you can't digest your emotions, bringing stress, anxiety, and pain to others. Forgive yourself for the disharmony within yourself, forgive yourself for limping like a broken leg.

Step 04 Feel yourself in a bigger lighter light

No matter what you do, no matter what you say, you are showing the world who you see yourself as.

When you complain and get angry, who do you think you are?

When you are lonely and afraid, who do you think you are?

When you think you can only be happy and satisfied if others change their attitude toward you, who do you think of yourself?

If you like to think of yourself as a wounded child, as a powerless child, as a weak woman, as a provocateur... That's your right, and that's your way to suffering, and you have the right to do it, and you have the right to do it for the rest of your life, if you want to.

In the same way, you have the right to see yourself as a mature and responsible person, respecting yourself, accompanying yourself, loving yourself, comforting and supporting yourself.

You can get diamonds from pain, metamorphose from difficulties, and even if you're not used to it and aren't familiar with doing it, you can learn, and you can do it, as long as you want to.

In the same way, you have the right to feel yourself in a larger light, and you can recognize that you are a life—a flawless, self-sufficient, and fulfilling life, and those experiences, feelings, and ideas are not you, and you have these but these are not the same as you.

You are a stage, you have staged sad and helpless dramas, but if you want you can also invite comedy to the stage, you are the only master, you are not any act, you can present, experience and have these, you can rewrite your script as a tension and foreshadowing.

You can appreciate any presentation on stage without judgment and complete acceptance, you can be with any scene but not belong to them, you can have eternal harmony.

Because it is you who carry them, not that they bind and define you. You can be satisfied forever because you lack nothing and you don't lose anything.

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