In recent days, I am particularly entangled in one thing, before remarriage, I often feel that a person's life is indeed very lonely and lonely, but after remarriage, I have to face a bunch of life chores, and it is also troublesome. Do you continue to walk on such days or choose to leave?
■Name: Yan Lu (pseudonym)
■ Age: 36 years old
■Occupation: Clerk
(i)
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Since ending my first marriage, there have actually been times when I was particularly resistant to remarriage. That painful marriage hurt me too much, escaping from the environment of chickens and dogs jumping and arguing all day, and I think that quiet and peaceful life is actually quite good. Friends said that I was afraid of marriage, and divorced people are more or less afraid of remarriage.
In fact, my ex-husband and I seem to have no problem emotionally, but he is a person who has nothing to do all day and is not self-motivated at all. He always thinks of getting rich overnight, and if he has some money in his hand, he will use it to buy lottery tickets.
I was married to him for five years, and it is no exaggeration to say that the family did not have a penny of savings, and life was very bleak. In the last days, we quarreled every day.
When I divorced my ex-husband, I didn't want anything in the house, only the children, and my daughter was only two years old. Fortunately, when I got married, my mother gave me a small house, and my daughter and I moved in. The house is not big, but it was enough for me and the kids.
(ii)
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Less than a year after the divorce, I have saved some money in my own hands, and my life is not much richer, but it is less than the top, more than the bottom, and I am very satisfied. I've been working very hard, sometimes taking my kids to set up a stall on weekends, and life has slowly gotten better. What makes me even happier is that my daughter is particularly sensible and obedient.
But I gradually found that it is really not easy for a woman to live with a child, especially when a child is sick in the middle of the night and the sewers are blocked, I often feel helpless.
Although I am troubled by the pressure of life all day, the indescribable loneliness and loneliness are also very difficult. Especially at night when the child is asleep, listening to the alarm clock in the living room ticking monotonously there, I always feel a kind of unprovoked fear.
One day in heavy rain, I rode an electric car to the kindergarten to pick up the children, and accidentally fell on the side of the road. Because I was in a hurry to pick up the child, I didn't bother to check whether I was injured. When I picked up the child and returned home, I found that my left arm was swollen in a large piece. It was useless to apply some ointment, and the next day the arm could not move.
(iii)
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No way, I called my mom and asked her to come over and help me for a few days. In fact, my mother is already a 60-year-old person, taking care of me every day, and helping me pick up and drop off my children, which is also very hard to watch.
One day, my mother said to me with tears in her eyes: "Child, do you really want to be alone like this until you are old?" You're still young, and when you meet the right one, take a step forward. Otherwise, how can your mother be at ease with you? "I pretended to comfort my mother easily, saying, it's okay, you can rest assured, I will definitely find the right one."
In the first half of last year, through the introduction of a friend, I met Lao Kang. He is also divorced, 5 years older than me and has a son who is half a year older than my daughter. I also asked Lao Kang what was the reason for his divorce from his ex-wife, and Lao Kang said that it was a discord. I didn't ask carefully later, and I know that most people's reasons for divorce are complex and buried with deep wounds. Since he didn't want to say it, I didn't need to ask more.
(iv)
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Soon after we got along, I discovered that his ex-wife was always in touch with him. Lao Kang's ex-wife visits the children once a week, and although the children often follow their grandparents, I always feel that if this continues, it is difficult for these two people to say that they will not rekindle their old feelings.
So, I told Lao Kang about my concerns and proposed to break up. Lao Kang told me that when he first divorced, his ex-wife did not want a house, as long as she had a deposit, the condition was that Lao Kang could agree to let her visit the children at any time.
There was no affection between them, just for the sake of the child in contact. I later thought, this is also the common sentiment of people, think about yourself, the ex-husband wants to see the child, I can't stop it, or compare the heart to the heart.
But not many days later, I found that Lao Kang's ex-wife not only always called Lao Kang, but also had Contact between them on WeChat, which made me feel really unsure in my heart, and I felt that if he always broke the connection with his ex-wife like this, we would definitely have no future. And after all, they have lived together for many years and have such a lovely son.
(5)
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After all, after all these years, I still met a man who made me think of marriage, and in the process of getting along, I felt that Lao Kang was a good man in all aspects. But as I continued to walk forward, I felt as if I was sitting in a bottomless palanquin, which was particularly unreliable.
I told a friend about my confusion, and my friend couldn't come up with an idea, she said, you only have two choices, get married right away, you get married, you are a legal couple. Or you can take advantage of the fact that the current relationship is not too deep and cut off this relationship.
It was at this time that my ex-husband heard that I was talking to Lao Kang about friends and began to be anxious, doing my work through my parents and children, hoping that I could give him a chance and give the child a complete home.
At that time, my heart was quite chaotic, although I didn't have any feelings for my ex-husband, but for the sake of the child, this sentence still made me a little moved. It was at this time that Lao Kang proposed to me.
He said, since you always feel unsure in your heart, it is better that we go and get the marriage license. To be honest, I have indeed been tired alone in the past few years, and Lao Kang's marriage proposal suddenly made me have confidence in this relationship.
(6)
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After remarrying, Lao Kang and I cherished this hard-won new life. It's just that Lao Kang's work is usually very busy, and I have to go to work alone and take care of the family. Lao Kang's son, Toot Toot, spends most of his time following his in-laws. On Saturdays and Sundays, we take Toot over and take the two children with us.
Initially, I really wanted to be a good stepmother, two children about the same age, the same size, and both were very beautiful and cute. Toot's looks follow lao Kang, and my daughter looks like me. Every time we went out with our two children, it would attract a lot of people's attention.
Two cute children, both dressed up beautifully, running in front of them holding hands, and I and Lao Kang followed them side by side, which was a very happy feeling. Moreover, many people think that these two children are twins. Lao Kang and I listened and always looked at each other and smiled. I also secretly rejoiced, because no one saw that I was actually the stepmother of the child. I think it's beautiful, and all of a sudden my children are complete.
(vii)
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If there is nothing to do usually, such a day is really good. But in fact, it is still very difficult to get along in life. Toot is more cheerful than my daughter for half a year, because since she was a child, she mainly followed her grandparents, and the old man was somewhat doting on children, and Toot seemed to be a bit domineering and selfish.
His toys don't let Huan Huan play, and he always robs my daughter Huan Huan's things. I usually buy two copies of new things, and such a contradiction between the two children is not difficult to solve, but the difficulty is the trouble that cannot be solved by spending money.
Toot's academic performance has always been very bad, the homework left by the teacher is often not done, every exam is a countdown, and often conflicts with classmates, is a headache for teachers and parents.
When I didn't pass the door, the school held a parent-teacher conference, and most of them were grandparents. Because every parent-teacher meeting is criticized, the child's grandmother and grandfather are a little reluctant to go.
The child's grandmother said to let me go, and Lao Kang agreed, but I was a little unhappy in my heart. The child is not mine, he has grandparents, aunts, and mothers, why do you need me to have this parent-teacher conference?
(viii)
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Because of this incident, there began to be some contradictions between me and Lao Kang. He said, although Toot is not your own son, but we are married, you also have the responsibility to raise and educate him. I knew that Lao Kang's words were right, but I was still a little difficult to accept in my heart. The outcome of this matter has not yet been discussed, and new contradictions have come.
One day, the two children played together, and at first they were still playing well, but then they fought over a toy. Toot scratched my daughter's face. A little girl, her face is broken, how ugly will it be if she has a scar in the future? I took my daughter in my arms and slapped her ass.
In fact, it didn't work hard, but Toot still cried loudly. My mother-in-law heard the noise and shouted at me: "He is still a child, how can you bear to beat him?" How come you don't hit your own kids? ”
I said, Mom, didn't you see that? He scratched Huan Huan's face, in case a scar fell on it. Grandma said, "When children play together, where are there not fights?" You should be a bowl of water flat. ”
(IX)
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The mother-in-law said angrily, dragged Toot to another room, and gently comforted her there. I was so angry that I couldn't say a word, obviously it was wrong, why didn't I let discipline it. Since I can only love and cannot discipline, then I will simply stay away from this child in the future.
Since then, my attitude towards Toot has changed, I think that anyway, I am a stepmother, no matter how well I do it, as long as there is a little bit that does not satisfy them, it is not my stepmother, and I will try to let the two children play together as little as possible in the future.
Another thing is that when Lao Kang divorced his ex-wife, he said that he could pick up the children for two days a month. I have been insisting on this for two years, but every time Toot is picked up by his mother, there is always a week or so after he comes back, he is particularly disobedient. The more he was told to eat, the more he didn't eat, and the more he was urged to do something, the more he rubbed it.
Such a big child, every time he wears clothes, he can rub it for ten minutes, and he has to eat to the end. I have the heart to talk to Lao Kang about this matter, but I think about it, more is better than less, not my own birth, or not to say it.
(x)
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Because Toot's academic performance was not good, the grandparents asked us to take the child over and tutor the child's homework in the evening. Lao Kang is busy at work, and I can only do the work of tutoring children.
Half an hour of tutoring her daughter's homework is enough, but she can tutor her homework, and she can't finish it for an hour. After a long time, it is inevitable that there will be resentment in my heart. Lao Kang also said that my tutoring is not as good as tutoring Huan Huan.
I said to him, I tutored my daughter, if I don't obey, I can train, I can even fight, but to Toot, I can neither train nor fight, what do you want me to do. Lao Kang said that the pipe still had to be managed. I thought to myself, I'm in charge of the kids, your old lady is not happy, I'm not going.
During the holidays, my mother came to see me and thought it was too hard for me to have two children alone, so she took my daughter to her and said to help me take it for a while.
(xi)
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This time, the family was happy, at least every day the two children would not fight, there was something good to eat in the house, and no one robbed Toot.
During that time, Lao Kang was not busy at work, and he accompanied his son to play games every day after he came home, and I was very uncomfortable. As long as Toot is on our side, he will definitely stick to his father to sleep at night, so I can only go to the other room to sleep, which also makes my heart uncomfortable.
During that time, I felt irritable whenever I saw Toot. Even though Toot has always called me Mom, I've always been reluctant to take care of him. I think it's because of him that my daughter can't go home.
After the summer vacation, I didn't pick up my daughter until school started, picking up two children every day, and the matter of tutoring homework fell on me again. It's only been a few days since school started, and I feel a little overwhelmed.
Thinking that there are still many complicated things to face and deal with in the future, my heart began to worry again. These days, I really miss the peaceful life I used to live with my daughter, did I choose the wrong path to remarry?
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Marriage navigation
The words in Yan Lu's story seem to be braving a few words "insecurity". Most women marry for love for the first time, but most women who remarry choose what is called "fit." This suitability is more through the comparison of all aspects of the man's hardware conditions, rather than the emotional foundation laid. A marriage with an unstable emotional foundation, any normal trivialities of life, can make it crumbling.
Divorce and reorganization is for two adults to find happiness, but for children, there may be some resistance and rejection. As parents of remarried families, it takes more patience and tolerance.
When some of their words and deeds cannot be accepted by the stepchildren and cannot be communicated, they may wish to let the other party come forward more, one is easy for the child to accept, and the other is not easy to cause contradictions with the in-laws. The husband's companionship and concern for his son may be precisely because he sees that the communication between his wife and son is not smooth and does not get along, and some measures have been taken.
Let every member feel comfortable in the family can be called a happy family, more understanding, more empathy, maybe the relationship is handled more smoothly.
In addition, as a restructured family, both parties have different life concepts, lifestyles and children's education views before, and many aspects need time to run in and adapt. As the two protagonists in the remarried family, whether it is the man or the woman, they should be psychologically prepared in advance, communicate in time when they encounter contradictions, and warm each family member with more acceptance, understanding and love, so as to make the new family happy and happy.