TEXT/YIBAO
A person's bad life is not necessarily caused by others, but caused by one's own reasons. Only by improving our awareness of ourselves can we further save ourselves, instead of falling into the quagmire of self-righteousness and feeling that there is no way out.
You have nowhere to go, you are mentally miserable, because you have not lifted the fog in front of you.
I received a letter from a reader who said that she thought that if her ex-husband moved out of the rental house and away from herself, she would have a good life, but when her ex-husband really left, she did not feel very happy, but very heartache.
She has been divorced from her ex-husband for three years, and she does not leave home with her two children. The original intention of the divorce was to see if her ex-husband would improve, but she was disappointed, and her ex-husband was no different from before. The two of them still don't talk much, have no common topic, quarrel with the ex-husband never take the initiative to apologize and coax her, and are indifferent to the child.
Everything was the same as before the divorce, and the difference was that after the divorce, the two of them had an additional divorce certificate in their hands.
After enduring three years, she had enough of such days, and before her ex-husband moved away, the two of them had a huge quarrel, and she yelled "As long as you move away, the two of us are completely away, and I can have a good life." Her feelings for her ex-husband are complicated, on the one hand, she is a little distressed, because her ex-husband's native family is not good; But on the other hand, she is very tired of her ex-husband, because all her grievances in marriage were brought to her by her ex-husband. Marriage was not her safe haven, but it left her to suffer too much, and most of it was tormented mentally. In her words: After I got married, I didn't laugh much, my marriage was dark.
The ex-husband also did not make any substantive mistakes, but not taking care of the children, not caring about her and not caring about her inner feelings, coupled with ineffective communication, led to more quarrels in the marriage. Of course, there are other reasons, it is from her ex-husband's native family, and she has not seen her ex-husband's parents for three or four years. Out of sight, out of mind, it is equivalent to running away with the child.
Even during the Spring Festival, they didn't have any contact, but the ex-husband would go back to take care of his parents. After her ex-husband moved away, she looked at the empty house with a heartache, and at the same time she was very angry, why did her ex-husband really listen to her words and move away, why didn't she kneel in front of her and beg bitterly like in the TV series? Even once, as long as her ex-husband cried a little in front of her, she would forgive him.
But no, her ex-husband's "decisive departure" made her feel that she had completely lost.
She said that she was cruel and would die completely this time, never give her ex-husband any chance again, and would never forgive her ex-husband's family again. She also made up her mind that no matter how hard she worked, she would raise her two children. But I was afraid that if her ex-husband really "came back and begged her" as she hoped, she would not forgive again. They will still return to the previous painful state of life, without any changes.
When I married my ex-husband, I was of an age, and the matchmaker introduced me and married when I looked good. She wants to escape her native family and live in a patriarchal family environment, her parents either beat or scold her, she regards marriage as her savior, and feels that as long as she is married, she will not live in the abyss of hell in the adult life.
Since there is no good premarital choice, the ex-husband is not a good mate choice. The ex-husband's native family is not as good as her, his parents have no culture, his mother is still a little stupid, they didn't have any bride price when they got married, those ordinary people don't have three golds for marrying daughters, and the only engagement necklace is ridiculously borrowed.
So unfair, she still aggrieved herself to marry, feeling that the two of them were still young and could live well on their own in the future.
But she lost, and her compromise allowed her to have no demands at all, and did not exchange for the gratitude of her ex-husband's family. Compared to the other daughters-in-law in the village, she felt even more frustrated. did not care about his ex-husband's native family, did not dislike his mother's stupidity, did not skimp on their family's small bride price; But what do you get? I didn't want anything, I still couldn't live a good life, but I fell from one unhappy environment to another abyss.
Married for more than ten years, this is what has tormented her for a long time.
The father-in-law is violent and dictates their marriage; The mother-in-law can't play a big role, how can such a marriage be good? Continue to live with her ex-husband, he is still such a lukewarm person, will not bear any family responsibilities, will not solve the problems in the marriage, and will bring her a complex native family; Not continuing to live together, really separated like now, she felt a little too heartache, unwilling that she had given so much in the past few years, and her youth was wasted in vain.
Why is she so unlucky? In fact, the answer is all in herself, but if her cognition is slightly improved, her life will not be so bad.
Lack of love
The misfortune of her native family makes her desperate to change her fate with marriage, but she ignores one of the most important factors: whether your marriage can be happy depends on what kind of native family you are married to, and what kind of person you marry yourself.
Treat marriage as a "lifesaver", have no opinion on marriage, think too simple about everything, and you will definitely not be able to escape suffering after marriage. Her marriage was wrong from the beginning, her ex-husband's native family is too complicated, a stupid and somewhat psychopathic mother-in-law, isn't she afraid that this gene will be passed on to your children?
Maybe you are very kind and can not want anything, but it also depends on what kind of person the other person is, not everyone will give in to your compromise and thank Dade. How can a native family like them be grateful to you, you feel sorry for them, they feel pitiful, there are no requirements for marriage, they will only feel that it is what you should do, it is you who are willing to "post upside down", what do you do?
She was so lacking in love, too desperate for love, and she couldn't love herself properly.
It is also related to the level of education and education, and her understanding of herself is also very shallow, and she has no understanding of marriage. Her own level of knowledge and limited awareness are the main reasons for her current very unfortunate life.
Marriage is a child's play, and divorce is also a child's play
Finding out no, she also treated the divorce as a child's play, and obtained a divorce certificate with her ex-husband three years ago, but after the divorce, they still rented a house together. Including the divorce, she does not really want to divorce, but wants to use divorce to force her ex-husband to change.
How is that possible?
Ben is a person who will not be considerate, will not communicate, and will not care, can be reborn because he divorced you?
It's also too whimsical. After their divorce, their life status has not changed, and her ex-husband is still the same as before, which makes her more disgusted with her life and ex-husband. She was like making a good life and doing something she thought she was working hard, but nothing changed. Because she didn't take the right medicine.
If you are married wrongly and have already divorced, you should live well on your own.
Including her ex-husband really moved away, she even said that she would be heartache, I was really a little speechless, I really wanted to scold her to wake up: are already divorced, you don't want to live under the same roof with him, he will be very painful in front of you, isn't it good to be completely separated? Why did you start to suffer from gains and losses again? Everything is as you wish, and you feel very miserable. It's not someone else's fault, it's your own.
What to do?
Well solved, completely independent from the spirit, no longer dependent on anyone, love yourself well.
Let the ex-husband bear the child's support, take the child to live well, eat three meals a day, and live a dull life with two children. Accept the established fact that you are divorced, don't care what others think, only about yourself, and only think about how you can live better with your children.
Don't go back, once you turn back, the previous painful life will still come back, cycle after cycle, internal consumption of yourself.
Adjust your mindset and strengthen your heart.
In fact, in real life, there are many people who have unfortunate lives not necessarily due to others, but to their own reasons, and most of them are their own reasons. Only by constantly examining ourselves and having a clear understanding of ourselves can we have a good state of life.
If others do not love you, you will love yourself well, and at the same time love your children well, find love from the parent-child relationship, and perceive love. Think more about the children, have already made the mistake of getting married, and find a father who is not very good for the children, so you can't continue to be wrong.
I hope many girls remember one very important thing: when you marry the person you choose, you have to follow the direction of finding a good father for your children. Knowing whether he is good or not is related to your happiness and the happiness of your children. You may be able to completely cut off your relationship with a scumbag through divorce, but what about your children? The bond of blood is not so easy to break.
Changing yourself, improving your perception, no amount of talk will help.
Don't be a Virgin, you can't save anyone, it's good to save yourself.
No one is your lifesaver, only yourself.
END.