Author | Fan Deng Reading · aloof
Anchor | Fan Deng Reading · Smell delight
The famous psychologist Adler said:
"All people's troubles stem from interpersonal relationships."
In fact, a considerable part of the troubles of interpersonal relationships come from social friction.
Wronging yourself because you please others; suffering yourself because you don't know how to refuse; feeling sad because you expect too much; worrying in vain because you compare everywhere...
These are the consumption of social interaction on people.
If you blindly consume in social interaction, you will inevitably make yourself scarred.
The rest of your life is not long, don't let social infighting consume your life.
I once saw a deeply touched sentence on the Internet:
"The biggest obsession of many people is that they are too eager to fit in, but they don't care whether it is suitable for them or not.
You have to know that relationships that make you feel tired are actually wrong. ”
People should be comfortable with each other, and too laborious relationships will only hurt themselves.
In the Japanese drama "Calm Leisure", the heroine Oshima is an old and good person who blindly pleases others and wrongs himself.
In the workplace, in order to integrate into the collective, it is not easy to please colleagues.
Colleagues make mistakes in their work, just one look, kai immediately take the initiative to confess guilt.
The things that colleagues are reluctant to do are all taken care of, so that they often work overtime until late at night.
In love, in order not to lose your boyfriend, you never refuse any request from your boyfriend.
The boyfriend casually said "I like smooth and straight hair the most", and I got up an hour early every day to straighten my natural curl.
In life, in order not to be hated by others, Kai desperately maintains the relationship and grievances himself to go along with it.
Obviously, I brought lunch, but in order to be close to my colleagues, I went to the restaurant with my colleagues to eat, and I brought home my lunch.
Pulled by a colleague to punch the internet celebrity shop, the selfie group photo is only half open and ugly, but she does not dare to protest to change a hair ring.
Even when he was ridiculed by his colleagues about the dressing style, he just smiled awkwardly.
Unfortunately, Kai's flattery did not bring in the touch of colleagues and boyfriends.
Once inadvertently, Kai found that several colleagues who usually "played well" complained in a small group, saying that she was a dedicated outsourcer.
Her boyfriend, whom he has always been proud of, has also unscrupulously slandered her in front of his colleagues.
Hearing this, Kai's inner world collapsed in an instant, fainted on the ground, and was taken to the hospital.
However, after seven days in the hospital, whether it was a colleague or a boyfriend, no one expressed the slightest greeting or concern.
In the end, exhausted, Kai finally chose to change.
After she was discharged from the hospital, she resolutely decided to leave her job, break away from the past, return to the countryside, and start a new life.
Keep the curly hair you want to keep, say what you want to say, do what you want to do, and do your truest self.
Writer Suzen said:
"A really good relationship is effortless, there is no need to deliberately please and work hard, and the two people are already comfortable and natural."
Indeed, good interpersonal communication is not a matter of grievance and deliberate pursuit, but a natural and intimate relationship.
Any relationship that makes you bother to maintain is wrong.
For the rest of our lives, may we stay away from the relationship that exhausts us, be kind to our soft-hearted selves, and live with ease.
A survey conducted by Cornell University in the United States found:
"People who are overly kind and don't know how to refuse at all earn 18 percent less than those with strong personalities."
Accepting or helping without a bottom line does not bring them harmonious interpersonal relationships, on the contrary, they will only be despised by others. ”
I think so.
When I was a student, people who did not know how to refuse were always commanded and called out to the west.
After work, people who are too good at talking often work the most, but they always carry the pot.
A netizen on Weibo once shared his experience.
After graduating from university, she entered a well-known company.
In the eyes of outsiders, her work is decent.
But only she knew how much she had been wronged over the years.
Forced to do a variety of jobs that do not belong to themselves, almost become the unit's universal tool people, computer maintenance, printing and copying, take couriers, order takeaways, and let people send.
Over time, these jobs naturally weighed on her.
Even on business trips, colleagues will try their best to let her go.
Once, the unit was scheduled to let a colleague go on a business trip on the weekend.
As a result, at ten o'clock the night before, a colleague called her and said that there was an emergency at home and hoped that she could take her place.
Even if she had ten thousand reluctances, in order not to disappoint her colleagues, she still agreed to it.
Most depressingly, she later learned that there was nothing urgent at her colleague's house.
It was also the last straw that crushed her.
After knowing the truth, she cried bitterly.
She hated herself very much, and the more she was embarrassed, the more aggrieved she felt.
Even so, she continued to pretend to be willing to do them because she was afraid of ruining relationships with her colleagues.
Until later, her body and spirit were double-tortured, not only did she work more and more inefficiently, but she also had doubts about her life, and even felt that she was about to be depressed, and had no choice but to resign.
It can be seen that the internal consumption of social interaction has become a knife that stabs itself.
Therefore, don't always be a weak and good person who has wronged yourself and tolerated others.
In this world, not everyone knows how to compare hearts to hearts, and your blind efforts may be exchanged for the gains and cruel deception of others.
Freud said:
"In any relationship, we must dare to guard our boundaries with anger."
Yes, once people have no boundaries, blindly being blackmailed by relationships will only be scaled and physically and mentally exhausted.
With boundaries, you can live "yourself" and win respect.
For the rest of our lives, may we keep our boundaries, be kind and measured, be tolerant, not be consumed by social infighting, and not be hurt by relationships.
No one is an island in this world, and we all inevitably have to deal with people.
If you want to live easily and walk smoothly, you must not be consumed by the relationship.
If you are also suffering from social friction, you may wish to heal yourself from the following 4 aspects.
1, lower expectations - excessive expectations, will only be exchanged for more disappointment
Someone once asked: What is the secret of happiness?
One high praise answered: never expect too much from anyone.
In a relationship, expecting too much from others will fall into the gap between "reality" and "expectation" and be troubled by disappointment.
There is a formula in economics: happiness = utility/expectation.
That is to say, the lower a person's expectation value, the easier it is to get satisfaction, and the easier it is to get happiness.
Expectations are not too high, and disappointment will not be too painful.
Lower your expectations and live a relaxed life.
2, give up flattery - the relationship that laboriously pleases will not last long
In this life, people will meet many people, and you cannot meet everyone's vision.
Good relationships are never bought with flattery and humility, but with equal respect.
If a relationship is maintained to be flattered, it will be very tiring to live and will often end in pain.
Don't please, be yourself, just be ashamed.
When we no longer try to please others and no longer push ourselves to be perfect, life will be full of surprises.
3, learn to refuse - do not understand rejection, will only lose respect
Bai Yansong said:
"The value of man comes from rejection. Rejection can make you more precious. ”
The old good people who don't know how to refuse, all the good is cheap, and learning to refuse will make people cherish your good more.
In the face of the unreasonable demands of others, blindly tolerate concessions, will only make yourself suffer and hurt.
A good relationship can stand the test of "rejection".
Learn to refuse, learn to say "no", in order to better manage the relationship with others.
Therefore, learn to express your true thoughts, say no when you don't like it, and reject it if you don't want to do something.
Knowing how to refuse, there are boundaries, will not consume themselves, nor consume others.
4, do not compare - blindly comparing, will only increase the trouble
There is a saying that goes well: Half of the suffering of life comes from survival, and half comes from comparison.
Success guru Carnegie also said:
"Many of the troubles in life stem from our blind comparison with others and forgetting to enjoy our own lives."
No one's life is perfect, do yourself well, live yourself, is perfect, is victory.
Blind comparison, not only can not make yourself better, but will only bring increased torture and pain, contrary to happiness.
When we go out of the heart of comparison and be ourselves, we can live leisurely in the chaotic world, and live a peaceful and happy life that is not insulted.
Jobs said:
"Your time is limited, don't live for others, don't be dogmatically limited, don't live in other people's ideas, and be brave enough to follow your own heart and instincts."
Life is short, away from the relationships that make us internally consumed, away from those who constantly consume our energy.
Follow your heart, obey your intentions, keep your true nature, and be brave to be yourself.
In this way, we can walk firmly and live a prosperous life.
Click "Watching", for the rest of your life, may you and I overcome social infighting.
Author | Detachment: A few spring and autumns in life, who does not encounter sorrow, fortunate to have a dust wish, Yiran is far from the vulgar.
Editor-in-Chief | A doctor
Typography | Zheng to the north
Music | Zhao Haiyang - three inches of paradise