Jia Jia has been very troubled recently, because she has become unhappy with her roommate who shares a room.
The reason was this, the roommate did not ask Jia Jia's opinion, so he casually agreed to let his parents live in the house they shared for a week.
The house is a small duplex, usually roommates stay on the first floor, Jiajia stays on the second floor, there is no space for roommates' parents to live together.
And listening to the meaning of the roommate, maybe Jia Jia still has to sleep with someone.
This made Jia Jia feel very annoyed, why can the roommate let others live without asking her opinion, even her parents should respect the opinions of others.
And each has its own privacy space, Jia Jia does not want to let others come in casually.
So Jia Jia expressed his objections to his roommate, and although the roommate looked embarrassed, he also immediately told his parents.
As a result, Jia Jia heard the roommate's mother say on the other end of the mobile phone that the roommate was not filial and lost his temper, and the roommate could only keep coaxing his mother.
Jia Jia, who was listening on the sidelines, felt so embarrassed and a little guilty, feeling as if he should not be so resolutely opposed, but he felt that this was his right to have. Whether to compromise or not regress, Jia Jia did not know how to be good.
And similar feelings are often experienced in the process of Jia Jia getting along with this roommate, for example, not going out with the roommate but finding other friends to go out with, the roommate will always send messages to himself, asking where he went, whether he was coming back, what time would he be back...
It's very annoying to make Jiajia, it's not good if you don't go back, and it's not comfortable to go back to yourself. Jia Jia felt as if he was cheating, and he was not having fun playing.
Jia Jia feels that the relationship with his roommate really makes him very uncomfortable, but because he has been together since college, he has a relationship, and he feels that it is difficult to refuse, and it is still a colleague relationship, and he looks up every day and does not see him looking down, which is too stiff and not very good.
"I don't want to be estranged from my roommate, but I don't want to be so aggrieved, what should I do?"
In relationships, boundaries are important.
Obviously, in the relationship between Jia Jia and her roommate, the boundaries are blurred.
And a relationship that lacks a sense of boundaries, no matter how good the relationship between each other, will be troublesome.
Jia Jia's relationship with her roommate is indeed good, but the blurred boundaries are making Jia Jia feel uncomfortable, and those things that can't bear and don't want to break out are eating away at the friendship between the two.
There are a variety of factors that contribute to the formation of such a relationship.
First of all, it has to do with our culture.
In the society of Chinese acquaintances, it is difficult to see the existence of borders.
When we were young, we could see that when my parents got along with the neighbors, it was often me who borrowed some salt from you today, and you poured me a little vinegar tomorrow;
And relatives can often interfere in their own family's affairs, such as the seven aunts and eight aunts gathering at your house at the New Year to urge you to get married with your parents.
They interact closely with each other and step into each other's space to a certain extent.
Under such social and cultural inheritance, many people have a relatively vague sense of boundaries.
We often feel that our feelings are good and we don't have to distinguish so clearly; I can tell the difference, but the feelings are not good.
Therefore, after the boundary is violated, when we feel uncomfortable, we often feel as if this uncomfortable feeling is undeserved, and we should not raise objections.
Jia Jia is like this, feeling very guilty, will feel that his refusal has alienated each other's feelings.
In addition, personal traits can also affect boundaries in relationships.
People with narcissistic personalities rarely have a sense of personal boundaries and do not feel that others are independent.
In intimate relationships, narcissists see the two as one and the other as beings who are meeting their own needs.
So, in the narcissist's mind, there are no boundaries between oneself and others.
Therefore, when dealing with narcissists, if we fail to control the boundaries and accommodate each other's intrusion, it will become a tool to meet the needs of the other party.
The other party will also have a strong desire to control, some will show obvious aggression, and some will adopt a stealthy approach.
Jia Jia's roommate clearly has narcissistic traits.
When they usually get along, they often ignore Jiajia's ideas, make decisions for Jiajia, question Jiajia's decisions, and often say that they are like this because the two have a good relationship.
Every time Jia Jia heard it, he felt very uncomfortable, but it was difficult to go back bluntly.
After all, sometimes the other party gives opinions out of good faith; So Jia Jia also relaxed the standards in this relationship, making the boundaries blurred, but sometimes unable to protect himself.
And both parties have no boundaries, and intimacy becomes a relationship that hurts each other.
So, how to have a sense of interpersonal boundaries in interpersonal communication without damaging the relationship between the two?
As a first step, we need to be clear that setting boundaries is actually telling ourselves what is reasonable, safe, and acceptable within this range.
When someone tries to cross a border, the feeling we feel uncomfortable and offended is real, without doubt, no matter who is violating it.
In this way, we can remain aware and hold on to the boundary when it is violated, otherwise the boundary will retreat again and again, and the other party will devour itself.
Being aware of anger and affirming the feeling of anger is the beginning of our initiative and the beginning of maintaining clear boundaries.
The second step is to learn to express
Clear boundaries are meant to be aware of our own needs and affirm our feelings, but it does not mean that we should be blunt towards others.
When we maintain the boundary, we should pay attention to the following points:
1) Affirm how this makes you feel, starting with "me" instead of blaming the other person.
For example, Jia Jia can say to her roommate like this: "This incident makes me feel very uncomfortable, and I feel that my private space is disturbed."
Emphasize your feelings instead of blaming the other person.
2) Clearly tell the other person what the real problem is at this moment.
Not letting roommates' parents come to live is not a matter of pettiness and filial piety, but whether the house is a common space for the two of them, and whether they respect each other by doing so.
It is clear that Jia Jia has the right to refuse others to enter his private space, and roommates also have the right to prevent parents from entering their private space.
3) Explain your needs and expect the other person to respect your boundaries.
The point is not on who is right and who is wrong, but on clarifying one's rights and needs.
We respect each other's opinions, and we want them to respect mine.
Boundaries are meant to protect our own needs and allow us to live comfortably in our own acres and threes.
Healthy boundaries are flexible and flexible, changing from time to time, and we need to ask ourselves what we feel to find out from time to time.
At the same time, recognizing that borders have been violated and how to express grievances are two different things.
The former is to protect oneself, the latter is to respect others.
END
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