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Chongqing, for ten consecutive years, has ranked among the top five in the country in terms of divorce rates. According to statistics, last year, the divorce rate in Chongqing was 4.92 ‰, ranking second in the country.
The topic of divorce is also constantly being hyped up by the news media.
What's wrong with the current marriage?
Two people who love each other walk into the palace of marriage hand in hand. It's a beautiful fate. As the saying goes, a hundred years of repair can be crossed by the same boat, and a thousand years of cultivation can sleep together.
Originally a very beautiful fate that should be cherished, but because of the tearing of life to the point of divorce, it is painful.
The reasons for divorce are varied, but most of them stem from the fact that both spouses do not know how to manage the marriage and cannot live in harmony.
As the saying goes, home and everything is happy. Husband and wife get along harmoniously, which is the foundation of maintaining a good marriage and running a happy family.
The better the couple, they have 3 cheats and learn to benefit for a lifetime.
01
First: Respect differences and accept reality
As the saying goes: "People's hearts are different, and flowers are different red." ”
There are differences, not problems. How to deal with differences well is the biggest problem.
If differences are not handled well, contradictions will be formed.
A couple quarreled over whether they should enroll their children in training classes.
The wife said: "You see that other people's children have reported, if our children do not learn, won't they fall behind?" ”
The husband said: "The child is still young, you are so anxious, what will he do when he grows up?" If you do this, the child will not have a long-term motivation to learn, which is called drying up and fishing. ”
They have their own reasons, and no one can convince anyone. In the end, the more you talk about it, the more angry you get, and this difference becomes a contradiction between husband and wife.
Another sane couple, faced with the same problem, is much calmer.
They feel that the starting point of both sides is the same, both in order to make the child grow better.
Therefore, after expressing their opinions, they respected each other's differences and discussed and found a compromise plan that was acceptable to each other.
The wife said: "Since this is the case, there are free experience classes, so let the children go to the experience class to try it, and see if the children like it or not." ”
The husband also said: "I will buy a few more books on this for the child to see if he is interested." ”
In respect of differences, they have found creative solutions to problems.
The logic of this approach is that both spouses find some kind of consensus while retaining differences.
It is normal to have contradictions in ideas, and what the two sides insist on each other is only a certain view, not an indisputable fact.
As long as consensus is found, both sides can tolerate contradictions and differences between each other.
In fact, man should always have two things: a lamp that never goes out, a lamp of hope; a window that is always open, a window of acceptance.
Since the differences between husband and wife have always existed, it is best to open the window of acceptance and accept reality calmly.
Respecting differences and accepting reality is the foundation for husband and wife to live in harmony.
02
Second: accept each other and abandon the plot
There's a book, How to Change Your Wife in 30 Days, which sold well as soon as it went public, selling two million copies in a week.
Later, the author found that the title of the book was misspelled, it should be "How to Change Your Life in 30 Days", and after the title was changed back, only three copies were sold a week.
This shows that many people in the relationship want to change their partners.
Many times, people do not choose the partner around them, but the idealized lover in their hearts, living in the ideal plot.
If you blindly ask the other party to change towards the idealized state in your mind, it will cause two people to fall into contradictions and disputes.
Couples who get along well are thinking about what they can do to change each other's relationship patterns.
There is a young couple who like to travel when the husband is not married, and earns 300,000 a year and can spend 350,000. After getting married, it became particularly frugal.
His wife is a football fan, and her husband never likes to watch football, but after being with his wife, he has become a fan.
The husband was originally a very unplanned person, often deciding today on an ad hoc basis and going out on a trip tomorrow.
The wife especially loves to make plans, but under the influence of her husband, the wife is no longer making careful plans in advance, but feels that there will be more surprises in the unplanned life.
The wife said that when she was not married, a person was very good, eat when you wanted, and play when you wanted; after marriage, I found that two people were good for two people.
The wife spoke the true meaning of marriage: the efforts and acceptance of each other by two people turned each other into the right person.
In the process of getting along with husband and wife, both parties are actually willing to pay and change.
But what they are afraid of is that their own efforts and changes, the other party turns a blind eye and does not respond.
Professor Li Weirong, a family therapist, said: "Marriage means that two people have to change for each other, if not for each other, it means that two people have not really entered the marriage in terms of mentality." ”
Between husband and wife, we must accept each other and abandon the plot of "how should you be".
Seeing each other's efforts and being willing to pay for each other is the guarantee for husband and wife to live in harmony.
03
Third: Deal with boundaries and avoid controls
Two people who are married are two people who love each other, not one person.
Two people have their own upbringings, values and psychological feelings. Therefore, each other should first respect each other's space in order to have their own space.
One couple is determined to divorce for the simple reason that the husband's unit has closed down and stayed at home for the time being. The first thing a wife does when she arrives home every day is to ask her husband, "Did you go looking for a job again today?" ”
Then, it is to point out various comments like the country, "You have to find more good units to try", "You have to find a way to communicate more with people outside", "You have to practice more speeches"...
It annoys the husband.
Once, my husband went to the interview unsuccessfully, was deeply shocked, very depressed, so he was a little slack. The wife then criticized her husband sharply: "Such a setback has defeated you, who is still like a big boss?" ”
The husband was very unhappy and said, "I will leave it alone!" ”
The wife immediately replied, "By you?" I don't care about you, can you do it? Look at what you did on my own when I was on a business trip a while ago? ”
So the contradiction escalated, and the last one was out of control.
Behind this marital contradiction is the wife's desire to control and the husband's resistance to his wife's control.
In fact, the wife is very wronged, she feels that it is for the good of her husband, in order to make her husband reinvigorate.
And the husband is also very aggrieved, he needs a wife who knows the heat and the cold, not an "old mother" who manages himself all the time.
Once couples do not respect each other's boundaries and start trying to control the other party, it is often both hurtful and unable to solve the problem.
So, when couples get along, figure out what the real need is behind controlling desires.
Be brave enough to express this need directly, rather than controlling the other person.
Handling the boundaries of two people well and avoiding mutual control and resistance is the sublimation of the harmonious relationship between husband and wife.
04
There's a saying that goes, "The way you treat your partner is actually the way you treat yourself." ”
When two people with different spaces are closely connected and become partners, two people have a common space.
In this space, sometimes you will be happy to have a familiar person with you; sometimes, you will hope that there is only you in this space, you can not have any scruples, you can make your own decisions.
Therefore, this requires two people as partners to learn to run into each other in the process of getting along and create a harmonious husband and wife relationship.
Therefore, those couples who have a good life are not not quarreling, but dare to do 3 things -
One is to respect differences and accept the reality that "you are different from what I think"; one is to accept each other and abandon the plot of "how you should be"; the other is to deal with boundaries and escape the game of "control and resistance".