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Owen Aaron: "Learn to become immoral, to build a new self from the ashes of your old life." ”
Of course, this sentence does not mean that it really has to become a lack of morality, but it reminds everyone to have the consciousness to reinvent themselves.
Why reinvent yourself?
The reason is simple: the "selves" we build up from childhood to adulthood are made up of many complex things, including indoctrinated ideas, morals, and constraints. For example, we are asked to do this and that we can't do it when we grow up, and we are always compared to other people's children.
This series of behaviors and events has a profound impact on the "self", and people will be affected by this "self" when they grow up and face many problems. If there is something wrong in it, or something that doesn't make sense, it can cause problems. Only by reinventing yourself and rebuilding the standards that suit you will you live the way you want to be.
Below, we combine a reader's change of attitude toward marriage to talk about the importance of "rebuilding oneself."
Hello Mr. Donglin:
I would like to say that when people reach middle age, it is necessary to have a confrontation with the inherent concepts in your heart, otherwise the wrong ideas may affect your life.
In my marriage, for example, I initially believed that my parents would think for me and respect my choices, but when it came to the end, I found that this was not the case.
When I decided to get married, they were approved because it met their expectations. However, their attitude toward marriage, their attitude towards my wife, made me unacceptable.
Just a few days after getting married, my mother ordered my wife to hand over her premarital property, and the words she gave were: "You have also seen that our family is very sincere, and it costs a lot of money to marry you." I think you should also show your sincerity and hand over your premarital property so that I don't worry about you running away. ”
From my personal point of view, I love my wife, and one of the ways to express my love is to make her feel safe in terms of money, and instead of asking for her money, I want to give her the money I earn for safekeeping, just because I firmly believe that love is a kind of trust, and we have been together for so many years, I know what kind of person she is, and there will be no problem that my mother worries about.
My wife rejected my mother, and my mother chattered, and after I knew it, I told her the above words, and she still did not forgive: "Silly son, I asked your daughter-in-law to hand over her premarital property, all for your own good." Think about it, how much money did our family spend on her in total? She didn't spend much money, and if you get divorced, you're doomed to lose money! ”
I hate it when people question my love, and in my opinion, to question my love is to question me, to think that I am stupid and deceitful. She didn't listen to how I explained it, and in a hurry I had to get angry: "I see you're poor and crazy!" Our family is not short of money, nor is it sorry for my wife, why do you have to have such a vicious idea? Can't I respect my choice? I'm middle-aged, can't I tell who's good and who's bad? ”
My words annoyed my mother, who gave me a problem, similar to "my daughter-in-law and mother fell into the water at the same time, who to save first", forcing me to choose between her and my wife.
In the context, I did not hesitate to choose my wife. My mother was angry and said to me, "A man like you will have a very desolate life in his old age, don't believe it!" The family is the most trustworthy person, you married the daughter-in-law forgot the mother, would rather offend your own family for an outsider, sooner or later there will be a time when you regret it! ”
To tell the truth, I was afraid, one was afraid of really offending my mother, the second was afraid of living a miserable life in my old age, and the third was afraid that I had made the wrong choice.
But, after calming down, I found that I didn't have to be afraid at all. The reason why I am afraid is that I am influenced by the inherent ideas in my heart, and I am judging myself by the ideas that others have instilled in me. It was at this moment that I decided to confront the fixed idea, why should I act according to the requirements of the fixed idea, and I did not do anything wrong, why can't I insist?
After that, I managed my marriage with the mentality of willing to gamble and lose, and now, I am more and more determined, because I am taking the right path, and everything meets my expectations. If I had obeyed the fixed concept because of the difference in thoughts, I was afraid that now and in the future, I would be the kind of person who had no opinion, so that I would really be desolate in my old age, what do you think?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
In life, there are many things to learn, and there are also many things that need to be discarded or corrected. This cycle of absorption and abandonment will accompany a person throughout his life.
We are easier to understand according to the time node, and when we are very young, we are exposed to the world and only have some ideas. The cognition and concepts after that are all the process of learning and absorption, of course, including being indoctrinated and affected.
Who can guarantee that everything you absorb from childhood to adulthood is correct? And some things will change with the times, which requires us to do a shuffle and reinvent ourselves when necessary.
This is the case with the problem mentioned by the man earlier. When he and his mother have differences, if they follow the fixed concept, they must respect their mother and listen to her mother. But on the issue he encountered, was mom's statement 100 percent correct?
Obviously not 100% true, even if there are reasonable elements in it, but this does not change the fact that "he has his own ideas". Whether to stick to his own ideas or obey his mother's ideas, he must make a choice, and the process of making choices is the process of reinventing himself.
It turns out that his choice is not wrong, and it is more illustrative of the need to reinvent himself. Unless it is the kind of person who has no idea of his own at all, and can let others decide for you, others do not need to hand over their lives to others, but should be firm in the way they want to go, which is the enlightenment that the master of life should have.