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There is a psychological term called "learned helplessness", which refers to the powerless mental state and behavior of a person after experiencing failure and setbacks.
Maybe you've also had a state where you feel like you're worthless, you don't have any special skills, you can't do anything well, it's hard to be likable, no one helps you, and then you're anxious and even depressed.
Broadly speaking, people will blame this behavior on lack of self-confidence, on stress, on thinking too much.
In fact, it is not so simple, or rather, such an explanation will not play any helping role, and people who feel helpless will continue to be helpless. What's the use of you just saying he's not confident, but not telling him how to get it back? You just say he thinks too much, but doesn't enlighten and guide, what's the use? Of course he knows it's stressful and doesn't need you to remind him.
In other words, if you want to get rid of feelings of helplessness, or if you want to help someone who feels helpless, you should find out the cause, point the direction, give the method, and give guidance, so that it really helps.
The following woman, when feeling helpless, uses the above line of thought, let's listen to her story first, and then explain it in detail.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
I have some questions I would like to ask, that is, when people feel helpless, how should they get out of such a psychological dilemma?
Although I have also figured out some methods, I don't know if it is right or not, and I don't know if it can be effective for a long time.
My helplessness stemmed from my marriage.
My in-laws think that I have money, and since I make a lot of money, I should take out a part to honor them. Although my husband and I were out of town and did not live with our in-laws, we could not escape their vampire calculations.
For the first time, I felt what shamelessness is, and for the first time I knew how shameless some people can be in order to take advantage. They feel that the "face" thing is worthless in their eyes, and even if they are rejected, they can go out of their way to come up with all kinds of names to ask for calculations.
At first, I didn't understand, thinking that my in-laws were really in trouble, and I thought I should help them. But the more times, and they never pay back, I naturally understood what was going on.
After they asked me for money, I refused, but to no avail.
When they think of a new name, they will still ask me for money first, and when I don't want money, they will ask my husband for money. My husband never refused their request, which is tantamount to saying that it was useless for me to refuse, because the money he gave to his in-laws was our common property.
I've argued with him many times about this, but it hasn't changed anything. I could only choose divorce because our marriage made me insecure. Even though we have been making money, our in-laws have been asking for money, which is like the math problem of "filling the pool with water at the same time", and there is no way to make more and more water in the pool.
We were young and childless, and we could barely hold on. But what if I have children in the future? What if we lose our jobs? At that time, will the in-laws be kind enough to return the money to us? I don't think so!
The divorce didn't go as smoothly as I thought because he didn't agree. If he is kind enough to persuade and keep his good words, maybe I will dispel the idea of divorce. At the same time that he refused to divorce, he kept denying me, accusing me, saying that I was not thinking normally, saying that I did not understand things, saying that my three views were not correct, saying that I was not a good person, and degrading me to worthless.
Even if he got divorced in the end, he didn't get together with me, said a lot of hurtful things, said that sooner or later I would be punished, said that I would not be happy if I married anyone, said that I had embarked on a road of no return, and sooner or later I would regret it.
Although I want to divorce him, I have not completely denied him as a person, and there is even a trace of guilt. His attack on me magnified the guilt in my heart, which in turn shattered my self-confidence. His words kept ringing around my ears that even I began to believe that I was a bad person and that my marriage failure was all due to my fault.
Immediately after, my sister-in-law said to me, "My mother has a birthday next week, and you are responsible for all the expenses!" She thought of a new name and asked me for money. After I announced that I was divorced and that poverty alleviation was over, she and my mother-in-law scolded me one after another, saying the same thing as my ex-husband said.
That's how my feeling of helplessness came about, it was really bad, I didn't want to do anything, I couldn't lift my spirits, my appetite and sleep were ruined, my mind was chaotic all day, and I couldn't see a little hope.
When one day I had enough of this feeling, I slammed the cup in my hand heavily on the ground and shattered it. The fall seemed to break the container that was trapping me, and when fresh air came in, my thinking changed, and a voice asked me, "What's wrong with you?" It is someone else who bullies you, how can it be your fault? If others say you're a bad person, you must be a bad person? What about your opinion? What about your principles? What about your self-confidence? Why not resist? ”
At that moment, my long-dried heart seemed to have warm springs bubbling out, and something in the barren and barren heart field broke through the soil, grew tender shoots, and then grew wildly and leafy all the way, and I knew that my long-lost confidence had returned.
Until now, I have been supported by the belief that "I am not wrong", and what I want to ask is this question, can I continue to hold on?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
What happened to that woman is a classic psychological paradigm, the "learned helplessness" problem we mentioned earlier.
Others may have experienced different experiences than she did, but the state after the emergence of "learned helpless behavior" is the same, to put it bluntly, it is surrounded by negative emotions such as anxiety, depression, and self-doubt.
There is nothing wrong with the method she has figured out, but she does not understand the laws of psychological operation, so we will talk about it in detail.
From the definition of "learned helplessness", this is a feeling of helplessness in the face of failure and setbacks. So why feel helpless in the face of failure and setbacks? This brings us to another psychological term: self-efficacy.
We can simply understand "self-efficacy" as self-confidence, and then we can conclude that all people who exhibit "learned helpless behavior" are in a state of "decreased or even disappeared self-efficacy".
So the question arises: Why does self-efficacy decrease or even disappear? What factors affect self-efficacy?
There is only one reason: it is the individual's "attribution style" that directly affects the "self-efficacy" of the individual.
Specifically, if you attribute failure to external uncontrollable factors, you will not reduce self-efficacy; if you attribute failure to yourself, you will certainly reduce self-efficacy.
From this perspective, when you feel helpless, don't "over-reflect", don't repeat self-doubt and self-denial, and learn to "shirk responsibility".
The "shirking responsibility" mentioned here is not irresponsible, but you have to unload the burden on your heart, first make sure that you are not wrong, on the basis of guarding your self-confidence, wait for a period of time until your emotions are stable, and then conduct appropriate reflection to avoid the emergence of "learned helplessness".
Psychological problems must be solved in accordance with the law of psychological operation, sometimes you need to properly deceive your own heart, sometimes you need to coax your own heart, you must first ensure that your "heart" does not go crazy, and your whole talent will not go crazy. If you put the cart before the horse, or if you don't prescribe the right medicine, your mental state can easily get out of control.