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Hemingway: "Life always makes us bruised, but later on, those wounded places will become our strongest places." ”
This subjective expression needs to be understood in conjunction with objective facts. After a person is injured, he learns to be obedient, learns a lesson, and does not repeat the same mistakes, and the place where he is injured becomes the strongest place. Otherwise, it will not.
We can't take it for granted that scaly wounds will definitely make us stronger, and this transformation is not an automated process, and requires the participation of people's subjective initiative.
In other words, you need to take the initiative to repair your wounds, you need to make it scarred, so that you can make that place stronger. If you don't do anything, and you repeatedly uncover the scars and tear the wounds repeatedly, you can never become strong.
This is a problem that needs to be paid attention to all your life, a method that needs to be used repeatedly, because harm may come at any time, no matter what your identity, no matter how old you are, troubles will always be everywhere, you do not annoy others, does not mean that others will not provoke you.
The problem encountered by the mother-in-law below requires the above method, let's first see what she has experienced.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
"The old man has no one to rely on" to understand: after the son gets married, he cannot be trusted.
As his mother, I felt that I had done my duty to raise him alone and help him take care of the marriage.
I thought that after the successful completion of my task, I would be blessed, and it would be his turn to filial piety to me, but I found that it was not so easy.
He got married and did not buy a house, because after his daughter got married, our family lived with the two of us, it was quite spacious, the house was not too old, and it was no problem as a marriage room.
I have no other place to go and need to live with them, a fact that was known before they got married. However, after the arrival of my daughter-in-law, I gradually could not stay at home.
She seems to be filial on the surface, and many things are scrambled to do. She wants to behave well, what can I say? You can't stop her from doing it, can you? There are some things she really doesn't do well, and I can't turn a blind eye, right?
For example, cooking, she can't cook, she still has to rush to cook, the food made is very difficult to eat, can't I say a few words to her? Shouldn't I point out her problem?
But she couldn't allow me to do this, and yes, as soon as I asked for advice, she would lose her temper and argue with me, making people feel so ignorant.
Three meals a day is the focus of life, if you can't even eat well, what does life mean? The days are still long, I can't always bear to eat her cooking, right? Wouldn't it be nice to teach her how to cook?
As a result, because of this problem, she held a grudge against me, and one day directly said to me: "Do you think the food I cook is not delicious?" Then go to your daughter's house and eat! ”
It was unbearable for my daughter-in-law to speak like this to my mother-in-law. Although I didn't want to stand up in front of her, she didn't have the attitude that the juniors should have towards the elders, and I had to criticize her: "If you have not been willing to be a good wife and daughter-in-law, it is you who should be rolled over, you are not me!" ”
I never expected that my words would actually anger my son: "You are trying to get along with me, right?" You don't feel good when you see my days gone well, don't you? Is there anything you can't say well? You let her roll, what do I do? She was right! If you think her cooking is not delicious, you don't eat it! You're going to eat at my sister's house! You live with my sister and brother-in-law! ”
I couldn't keep my face down and stayed at home with them, so I had to go to my daughter's house as they wished.
Although my daughter and son-in-law are not as fierce as their two sons and are filial to me, I always have a breath in my heart, and the heart that is broken is always faintly painful. I don't understand, why do they want to do that to me? Am I not giving enough for them? Not good enough for them? Am I an old man easy? What I want to rely on most is my son, but he leaves me with nothing to rely on, and his conscience will not hurt?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
For some parents, whether their son is reliable or not does not have much to do with whether he is married or not.
If you find that your son is unreliable after he gets married, a large part of the reason is because he was unreliable before he got married, and he has always been unreliable, but you have not cared about this problem before.
Take the mother above, before her son gets married, she cares about how to raise her children alone, how to handle the marriage of her children, and how to successfully complete her tasks, rather than paying attention to whether her son is reliable.
This is a problem that many parents will ignore, they take it for granted that their parenting style is not wrong, they take it for granted that their children must be filial piety, and they take it for granted that raising children can prevent old age.
In fact, many children's understanding and adherence to "filial piety" is not as good as before. If parents do not teach their children in the process of growing up, and if they do not teach them to be grateful and filial piety by example, their sense of filial piety will be very weak, sometimes even unexpected.
Having said that, the truth is in front of her, her son is unreliable, and what she has to do is not to repeatedly worry, not to tear her own wounds repeatedly, but to focus on the present and think about how to live in the future.
You already know that your son is unreliable, and it doesn't make sense to cling to this. Instead of wasting time demanding changes to things that can't be changed, it's better to spend more time changing things that can be changed.