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Jerome David Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye: "Remember what to remember, forget what to forget." What can be changed can be changed, what is acceptable cannot be changed. ”
In this lifetime, it is impossible for a person to experience the same thing repeatedly, nor can he have the same feelings repeatedly. The nature of things is different, the value of feelings is different, it should be treated differently.
Some things need to be taken seriously, and some feelings need to be remembered. At the same time, there are some things that don't have to be put on the heart all the time, and some feelings that are not worth remembering all the time.
Only when people learn to make such a distinction between life, only by insisting on doing valuable things, and only by using valuable feelings to grow themselves, can they live happier.
The reason why many people don't feel happy is because they don't do the above work. Some people don't understand anything at all, and some people like to hang "I know" on their lips, but they don't implement it, and they don't forget to repeat it: "I know a lot of big truths, but I still can't live this life well!" ”
The relationship problem mentioned by the following reader is related to the above kind of problem, let's take a look at what is going on.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
People who once truly loved each other turned against each other in the end, which made me very puzzled.
I never understood exactly what was wrong, and it always felt like everything had suddenly changed, as if a malicious magician had deliberately turned against me, making a mess of my love and turning my lover into the most hated appearance I hated.
I fell in love for the purpose of getting married, and I expressed this intention from the beginning. Because considering that she married me to a distant marriage, in order to dispel her concerns, I took out all my sincerity to treat her, not only to contribute money, but also to go to my parents must be good to her, in advance to practice being a good mother-in-law who is respectable.
She can see my efforts, and she also recognizes them during the relationship. Her reaction made me overjoyed, feeling that good things were in sight, so I was more diligent and did not want to disappoint her. Even if we are not yet married, when her mother's family is short of money, I will not hesitate to help.
We first met with our respective parents, and then the parents of both sides met for us to talk about marriage, everything went smoothly, the gift money that should be given to her was not bad, the house was ready, and it was waiting to get married.
However, just a week before the wedding, she changed her mind, suddenly said that she did not want to marry me, and found a lame excuse: "Your mother is not a good mother-in-law, not worth my marriage!" ”
If she makes other excuses, I may believe it. But she said my mom wasn't a good mother-in-law, and I couldn't agree with that. To verify this fact, I asked my parents if they had said anything to her in private, and my parents cried and swore that they had never done anything like this: "We are bent on getting you married, the money and the house are ready, how can we go to destruction?" ”
After overturning her remarks, I asked her what had happened. She didn't want to say, just said she didn't want to get married, said she wanted to get married.
I was angry because I had paid so much for the relationship and never thought of failing, never thought she would do this to me. In a fit of rage, I told her, "Pay me 500,000, otherwise you won't have to talk!" From the time we were in love until now, I have not let you spend a penny, and I have given your parents a lot of money, plus the gift money given by my parents, far more than 500,000. You can't pay back my money, but my parents' money must be returned to them! ”
Don't hide from you, after I said these words, I have some regrets, worried that there are other hidden feelings, in case she has an unspeakable secret, I will hurt her heart by doing this to her.
But what she said next reassured me: "I have eaten the meat in my mouth, there is no reason to spit it out!" Did I force you to spend money for me when I was in love? Did I force you to give my parents money? Did I force your parents to give me hundreds of thousands of gifts? No! Everything is voluntary by you! Since it is voluntary, you should not ask me for money in turn, because I am only a receiver, not a taker, and if you don't even understand this truth, I can only say that you are too stupid! ”
My feelings at that time can only be described as sitting on a needle felt, like a thorn in the back, as if the lake that has been calm suddenly set off a terrifying wave, which makes people frightened, angry, sad, and desperate.
How I wish it were all a dream! Unfortunately not!
The next difficult road to accounting was taken by my parents on my behalf, and my whole person seemed to have been sucked out of my soul, listless, stupid, and had no strength to do anything, not even the strength to speak.
After my parents asked for the money back, she was angry and sent such a circle of friends: "Since I broke up, I feel that youth has fed the dog!" ”
This is tantamount to a second injury to me, although I deleted her in time, but this sentence has remained in my heart.
Her youth is youth, and my youth is not youth? I've been fooled by her as a monkey for so long, am I not sad? She also took a lot of benefits from me, but what about me? Huge losses have been suffered! Where on earth am I sorry for her, that she was so cruel to me?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
Whether a person fails or a person succeeds, they will add "footnotes" to the results and find some reasons.
For example, when successful people talk about their successful experiences, they will thank this and that, which is the "footnote" they add, so that their statements can stand up and be believed.
Losers are even more enthusiastic about this work, they will find various reasons to explain why they failed, and they are accustomed to complaining about others, either saying that they are unlucky, or saying that they are not ladylike, or saying that they are not talented, and basically few people admit that they have problems.
Just like the man's ex-girlfriend, after she calculated the failure of the man's plan, she became angry and sent a circle of friends to shirk responsibility, so as to prove her innocence and let people who knew her think that she was hurt.
And judging from what she did, the image she wanted to establish in the minds of others was far from her true image. To put it bluntly, she has done many evils in a vain attempt to establish a good woman's personality.
This kind of scheming is a manifestation of stupidity, a manifestation of self-deception. Whether you are a good person or not, others will judge you based on what you do. You have done something unconventional, but you still want others to think that you are a good person, a liar? People who treat others as fools are really stupid, and sooner or later they will lift a stone and drop it on their own feet.
Let's talk about the man, although his experience is painful, I don't want his heart to be full of resentment all the time.
As we mentioned earlier, he should learn to distinguish between the nature of experience and feeling, accept what should be accepted and forget what should be forgotten. In addition, he should also learn to reflect on himself. The reason why he will meet people is unladylike, the reason why he will be played as a monkey, can not only blame the other party for ill intentions, he himself is too careless is also part of the reason.
Even if the person who has lost love is not as bad as his experience, he cannot just shirk his responsibility. If shirking responsibility makes you feel good, you can take time to unscrupulously shirk responsibility and spit on your ex. But this work should have a deadline, and when you are finished venting, your heart is not so heavy, you should reflect on yourself and learn from your previous feelings, so as not to repeat the same mistakes in the future days.