After reading this title, do you also feel that this woman's life is like a tool person, living for her husband and children, but not for herself?
Charlotte Brontë wrote in Jane Eyre: "To love yourself, do not waste your whole body's love, soul and strength as a gift generously, where it is not needed and despised."
Self-love, this requirement seems very simple, but many people can't do it, and they can't remember to love themselves. When we eat and drink, we only think about the happiness at that time, but we ignore our bodies; in order to give our children a better life, we work overtime to earn more hard-earned money, but we are exchanging our own health for it. I know that staying up late is not good, but it is difficult to control myself and let myself sleep in time. Knowing that the spouse's request is unreasonable, very selfish, and is achieving his personal goals by sacrificing our interests, we still can't refuse it with a cruel heart.
However, if you don't even love yourself, how can you ask others to love you? Whether others will love you or not, you can't control it, even if your parents may not love you. However, love yourself, you can control it, you must do it, otherwise, no one really hurts you.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong wrote in "Chinese-style love and love" that the unlovable things in marriage are because the original intention is not out of "I love you", but from "you give me" - not that there is something wrong in marriage, but that there is too much to ask for marriage.
In the eyes of some people, you are not their wife or husband, but a tool for them to take advantage of their marriage and satisfy their own selfishness. The so-called tool man is the kind of person who comes and goes, uses you ruthlessly when he needs you, and kicks him away when he doesn't need you.
"20 married, 28 went out to work, 50 people returned to their hometown to serve their mother-in-law, this is my life." This woman was my mother's colleague Aunt Zhu, who told us that she was just a microcosm of her peers in her hometown.
01. I will marry him only because he can come up with money to help my brother marry his daughter-in-law;
Aunt Zhu will celebrate her fiftieth birthday next month, but, not to mention her husband, even one of her children can't remember Aunt Zhu's birthday.
Aunt Zhu not only did not have a birthday gift, but if it were not for the impact of the epidemic, which hindered her pace of returning to her hometown, she should have returned to her hometown now to serve her 80-year-old mother-in-law.
Speaking of her marriage to her husband, Mr. Qin, Aunt Zhu is not married to love, but to the person who married for the original family.
"I have two older sisters, a younger sister, and a younger brother, except for my sister, who has always been temperamental and refuses to listen to my parents' arrangements to marry someone I like, my marriage to my two sisters is arranged by my parents. My parents picked our husbands, neither looking at the man's ability nor his character, but only at how much the man was willing to pay to marry us. ”
And Mr. Qin was the most dowry given by those men who courted, so, under the arrangement of her parents, Aunt Zhu married Mr. Qin, and the money naturally became the capital for her brother to beg for his wife and pass on the zhu family.
After getting married, Aunt Zhu learned about Mr. Qin's specific situation. Mr. Qin has an older brother and a younger brother, the older brother was admitted to the university, the best life, although the younger brother is not as good as the eldest brother, but he has a business mind, did business, and also made a lot of money, the life is not bad, the two brothers have settled in the city.
Mr. Qin can't study well, and he doesn't have the brain to do business, so he can only farm at home for a living. The parents were distressed about their second son and took out all their savings to help him start a family.
02. When my daughter was 6 years old and my son was 4 years old, I went out to work with him, and my mother-in-law helped me take care of my children.
In the third year of marriage, Aunt Zhu gave birth to a daughter, because the local people generally have the idea of preferring sons to daughters, and the in-laws and husbands are not happy, Aunt Zhu had to continue to have children and gave birth to a son. Although the arrival of the son satisfies the husband's idea of having a son to have face, it also makes the family's economic situation worse.
"Farming the land, to put it bluntly, is to rely on the sky to eat, even if you work hard, 24 hours a day in the ground, the sky is not beautiful, it is also a white ride." Although we also worked hard, sweated hard, and did not make enough money to support our families, let alone provide for our two children and marry our sons and daughters-in-law. ”
Just when Mr. Qin and Aunt Zhu were frowning, Mr. Qin's eldest brother sent news that he had a friend who had opened a factory in the coastal area and was in urgent need of workers, and suggested that Mr. Qin go to work, although he needed to leave his hometown, but the income from part-time work was much more stable and the risk was much smaller.
Originally, Mr. Qin planned to go out to work alone, and let Aunt Zhu stay at home to take care of the two children, which was also a helpless move.
However, Mr. Qin's mother chose to go back to his hometown to take care of his grandchildren and let his daughter-in-law go with him: "How much can he earn by working alone?" It is only enough for your family to live, and you can't save money for your grandson to marry his daughter-in-law. You go along, help me look at him, and don't let him do something wrong outside. ”
"At that time, the eldest brother also had a son, who needed someone to take, the younger brother was fine, the younger sister-in-law did not go out to work, at home with the baby, in the end, my father-in-law stayed in the provincial city, to help the eldest brother with the child, my mother-in-law returned to her hometown, helped me with the child, the two old people were separated for the sake of children and grandchildren. My mother-in-law helped me with my two children until they went to college, and I couldn't help but report such kindness. ”
In fact, in the 22 years of working with her husband, Aunt Zhu's life was not easy. Not only did she have to endure the pain of intensely missing a pair of children, but she also had to work hard to earn money and travel with her husband. Like her husband, she needs to work 12 hours a day and rest once a week, but most of the housework is done by her, only because of her husband's sentence that "doing housework is a woman's business, and where there are men doing housework."
03. He said that the eldest sister-in-law needs to bring a baby for her son, and the younger sister is a shrew who refuses to honor her in-laws, so I can only go back to my hometown to serve my in-laws;
Aunt Zhu's daughter is 28 years old, and her son is also 26 years old, both of which have started a family. Because the daughter-in-law is an only child, a girl who grew up in the city, living with her in-laws will have many discomforts, plus her mother volunteered to bring a baby, so Aunt Zhu does not need to bring her grandchildren, she plans to continue to work and earn more money to keep for the elderly. However, some time ago, the news that the mother-in-law was sick and hospitalized came, which disrupted Aunt Zhu's arrangement.
"Although my mother-in-law's condition is not serious, she has always been sick recently and can't leave people. My husband discussed with his two brothers about his parents' retirement, and then came back to inform me. ”
First of all, the husband's sister-in-law, the youngest daughter-in-law of the in-laws, made it clear that the in-laws had no kindness to themselves and did not help them with their babies, so there was no reason to ask themselves to honor them. Not only was she unwilling to help take care of her in-laws, but she was not even happy that her husband planned to give her parents 1,000 yuan a month in alimony, and she got into trouble with her husband.
Secondly, although the father-in-law helped the eldest brother and sister-in-law to bring up the children, the eldest sister-in-law also retired, but the daughter-in-law of the sister-in-law asked the mother-in-law to bring the baby, and the sister-in-law could not open her body.
Finally, what they mean is to let Aunt Zhu, who does not need to bring a baby and has no pressure, go back to her hometown alone with a baby, and wish that Aunt Qin's husband, Mr. Qin, will continue to make money outside and save some money for the elderly.
Although Aunt Zhu also felt dissatisfied, thinking that the pressure was all given to her in the end, she had always been a person who had no opinion and did not know how to refuse, so she had to resign according to her husband's requirements and go back to take care of her in-laws. According to the arrangement, when this wave of epidemic is over, Aunt Zhu will be separated from her husband and return to her hometown to serve her in-laws.
04. Ma Shan is ridden, People are good at being bullied, if a woman has no bottom line, she only has the fate of being bullied by her in-laws.
In "The Marriage of the Two of Us", there is a line: to solve the problems in the marriage, the principle is to let both parties profit, if only one party can profit, the profitable party will gain inches.
Regardless of the performance of Mr. Qin's two brothers, only Mr. Qin, in his marriage to Aunt Zhu, he has actually been the party of profit.
Before Aunt Zhu turned fifty, she went out to work with him, which could help him share the pressure of supporting his family and take care of his personal life. Why is it that when Aunt Zhu has to do housework while going to work, he can just go to work and not work?
Honoring parents is the obligation of human children, although Mr. Qin's parents are indeed very good people and help Aunt Zhu bring up their children, but the reason why they will do this is not because this child is Mr. Qin's own flesh and blood? They helped not only Aunt Zhu, but also Mr. Qin, and the person who should honor his parents and serve his parents was also Mr. Qin, so why in the end, it was still Aunt Zhu who sacrificed?
To put it bluntly, Mr. Qin is an egoist, from beginning to end, he only wants to take advantage, does not want to pay, and only thinks for himself. And the reason why he has such confidence is also because Aunt Zhu does not know how to resist and refuse from beginning to end.
The writer Tang Zhifeng once said: "Behind the arrogance of one person in marriage, it must be the constant humility of another person without dignity." ”
Ma Shan is ridden, people are good at being bullied, and if a woman has no bottom line, she only has the fate of being bullied by her in-laws. Bullying soft and afraid of hard is a common disease of people, if you don't want to be treated as a soft persimmon, you must know how to resist.
END.
Today's topic: What is your view of Aunt Zhu's life? Feel free to share your views in the comments section.