Media: "Partner" magazine, July 2020, Issue 494, P23 "Marriage and Romance Clinic"
Experts in this issue: Senior psychological counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, national second-level psychological counselor - Tan Suyi
Ms. Zhang Consulting:
My husband and I have been married for three years and my son has just turned one. We met on a blind date, and although he was not particularly good, he was very kind and accommodating to me, so we got married after half a year of dating.
After marriage, I found out that my husband was very filial and favored his mother-in-law at every turn. Due to different living habits and parenting concepts, my mother-in-law and I often have conflicts. Later, her mother-in-law said that she could not adapt to life in the city, and offered to move back to the countryside.
I thought that good days were finally coming, but I didn't know it, but my husband held a grudge against me because of this, thinking that I had a bad attitude and forced my mother-in-law away. Since then, my husband has treated me coldly and recently slept in a separate room with me.
For the sake of this family, for the sake of my children, I have endured all this silently. But what I can't stand is that he lost his job a few months ago and has not looked for a job.
I was in a hurry, and my income was simply not enough for the family expenses. And every time I mentioned work to him, he complained that I had destroyed family harmony, so he wanted me to support the family alone.
My husband's attitude makes me feel so bad, what should I do?
Emotional Counselor Suyi Tan Answer
The conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a problem that many families need to face and deal with. Two women are in love with the same man, they can be allies, and there will be competition, always snatching and sharing the man's love.
Especially when they live under the same roof, even if they are "dutiful", there will be friction. Contradictions are not terrible, how to deal with them artistically is the key.
First, to improve the relationship between husband and wife, we need to start by improving the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
On the surface, the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law generally occurs in some living habits, parenting concepts, and family trivial matters, and is a struggle for "power" at a deep level.
Two women who have an intimate connection with the same man want this: this man loves himself more, and his position in his heart is more important.
The mother wants to return to the situation in which the son was attached to her only one woman (often in families where the mother-child relationship has not yet been divided); The wife wants to continue the time when her husband dotes on her in love and takes her as the main master, and protects the position of the mistress of the family. A battle for love is thus staged.
As an elder, her mother-in-law's values have been ingrained for decades, and it is difficult for her to detect her "love son" complex, and it is difficult to change her concepts and mode of getting along.
In the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the husband, as the most critical bridge link, should play the greatest coordinating role. However, when the husband wanders between the two ends of the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law's hostility, due to the tension of the husband and wife, the husband's negative emotions, etc., the husband's balance is more and more tilted to the other end. In this way, the husband and wife also become "enemies".
Therefore, if you want to turn "enemies" into friends with your husband, you need to first establish a new alliance with your mother-in-law to let your husband's heart return.
If Ms. Zhang tries to love the house and Wu, accept her mother-in-law, understand their relationship, support her husband to be filial to her mother, and live in harmony with her mother-in-law. When the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law eases, the husband's inner resentment and depression will naturally decrease.
Second, give the "decadent" husband some understanding, and both parties will get out of the difficult period together
Career is a huge source of a man's sense of worth, and career development is hindered, often making it gloomy or violent.
The current unemployment is a big shock to the husband, and although there are various choices now, the job search process will also encounter repeated setbacks, it is difficult to find his favorite job immediately, so he is decadent on the surface, but in fact he suffers from unspeakable anxiety, frustration and loneliness in his heart, preferring to stay alone in the low ebb.
At this time, the warmth of the family and the understanding and support of the wife are very important for the husband. If at this stage is constantly pressured, accused, complained, and denied by the wife, the man will be more depressed, depressed, and even broken jars, and the relationship between husband and wife will deteriorate.
If the wife can take the initiative to express her love and encouragement, give him a certain amount of time and space, trust and accompany him out of the period of depression, take this as an opportunity for the husband and wife to "share happiness and suffering". After experiencing this, the relationship between the couple will become stronger.
Tan Suyi
· I heard about it, senior counselor at the Psychological Counseling Center
· National second-level psychological counselor
· Psychosexual counselor
· Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
· Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
· Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
· Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation