Lily Zhou asked:
I am 32 years old or single, sometimes I enjoy this state, I can travel as far as I can go, and I am very down-to-earth in my own house. Although I also want to fall in love and get married, I feel that my appearance is not dominant in the marriage market, and I have not been able to kiss several times. I'm sometimes worried, so single is not going to want to get married again?
Miao Dai:
Hello Lily Week, I'm glad you can talk about your troubles, many times it is the hardest to face up to the problem.
Let's start with two somewhat surprising stats:
In 2020, the single population of the mainland has exceeded 200 million, and the proportion of adults who are single has approached 1/5.
The number of marriage registrants in the mainland has continued to decline since 2013, falling below the 9 million mark in 2020.
Fear of marriage, fear of marriage every day, is the norm for many young people. Often after some negative social news broke, the message area can always see words such as "today's warning of not marrying".
But young people, do they really not crave love, do not desire marriage?
There is an Internet buzzword called suicide single, which refers to people who have been single and do not actively socialize, and fantasize about having perfect love.
Star Rainie Yang once used a paragraph to explain the "suicide single": love at first sight has no luck, long-term love has no conditions, it is difficult for people to open their mouths, acquaintances dare not start, simply give up on themselves, do not go out to meet new friends, and rely on fantasy to have love every day.
(Source: Network)
To put it bluntly, today's young people are longing and afraid at the same time. It is not that there is no need for love, but that there is a fear of facing the problems that arise in love and marriage.
Being single is not a bad thing, and it is a wonderful thing for a person to fully enjoy his life and only live a life that pleases himself.
But because of fear, and dare not enter, must not be the best single state, such a life, can not enter the relationship, can not make themselves happy.
If you ask a young person why you don't want to get married, their answer is often like this: mobile phones are not fun or novels are not good, money is earned or things are done, why is there nothing to find an object to add to their own blockage.
(Source: Network)
The two words "add blockage" accurately describe the "intimate fear" of young people.
In their view, getting along with a person, running into, arguing, and separating is a very laborious thing.
Why don't young people dare to fall in love?
The first reason: fear of the imperfection of love
It's not that we don't crave love, it's that we crave perfect love too much. Just like we usually watch film and television dramas, the CP is more fragrant than the melon seeds.
Image source: Stand Cool Helo
Those imaginary perfect loves are the projections of perfect love in the hearts of ordinary people. We will substitute ourselves into roles, replace them with characters, and use our brains and fantasies to complete the "intracranial orgasm" of perfect love.
But if we were to fall in love ourselves, I am afraid that there would be no perfect veil. Cinderella does not necessarily meet a prince, it may be a man who does not wash his feet before going to bed, a man who does not do housework, or even a cheating man, a domestic violence man...
Afraid of all kinds of problems encountered in love, then simply do not fall in love.
The second reason: Women are more demanding of marriage
One survey showed that most divorces were filed by women. On the one hand, this shows that women pay more in marriage, and on the other hand, it also shows that women's expectations of marriage are higher.
Men may only need "wife and children hot kiln head" to satisfy the yearning for marriage. The marriage that women desire is a place of security, value, satisfaction, feeling of being loved, and other high-level needs.
The difference in needs between men and women leads men to dislike women for "trouble", and women can support themselves and please themselves, so why step into marriage.
Everyone wants to be sheltered from the wind, and no one wants to be a port.
Suicidal singleness is like having a river in front of you, not knowing the depth, and wanting to know the pleasure of swimming in it. Fear defeats expectation, and it becomes fear.
But in essence, everyone needs intimacy, needs to see themselves in the relationship, to see their true needs.
There are many women who, when it comes to their ideal partner, always mention the phrase "spoil me as a daughter".
That is, we take the archetype of our ideal parents and go looking for a partner. That person is better off giving us unconditional acceptance, full tolerance, enough understanding, just like Dad.
The desire to be loved, the desire to care, is human nature.
However, in real love and marriage, the partner is always imperfect, and looking for a partner is not looking for a father.
Even if there are run-ins and quarrels, it is also our own real life experience, and it can also be like a mirror to let us see our own gains and losses.
Image source: Stand Cool Helo
Good relationships, like a piece of the puzzle, heal our wounds and carry our turbulent souls.
Bad relationships can also make us reflect on whether this wrong person attracts us to a sense of lack in our own hearts.
Many people regard love and marriage as a second reincarnation, as if if they can have happiness forever if they marry well and marry well.
But in reality, marriage is just a way of life, just like being single. The wedding day is just an ordinary day, and life will not change.
When we are afraid, we may as well be aware of what we are afraid of and where we are weak.
Some people are afraid to get into intimate relationships, but they don't have a good time when they are single.
Whether you are single or entering marriage, you essentially have to practice for a lifetime.
If you want to be single, enjoy being single to the fullest. On the bank of the long river of marriage, play patiently. If you meet the right person, go in for a swim, and if you don't meet, then play by yourself.
The most frightening thing is that while fearing entry, while yearning to enter, in the end, did not go to the long river to experience, did not play well on the shore.
Image source: Stand Cool Helo
In real life, some excellent and successful and single women also live very freely.
But their freedom is not because they are not married or tied up, but because they have enough ability and ability to please themselves, and they have the ability to truly enjoy life.
Once they find the right person, they have more courage to enter the marriage.
Being single can be beautiful, getting married can be beautiful, no matter how you choose, don't be "suicidal".
Dare to fall in love, even if it is scarred. Be bold enough to be single and enjoy every day of your life.
*The content of this article is a popularization of health knowledge and cannot be used as a specific diagnosis and treatment recommendation, nor is it a substitute for face-to-face consultation by a practicing physician, for reference only.
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