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Keywords: I don't know who I should choose?
Q: Hello, cold love, I have been following you for a long time, and I have done counseling before. The problems we face now may be close to those of marriage.
I, female, 26 years old, abroad, after graduation income can be about 60W, boyfriend is older, about 100W+, but the monthly rental cost and living expenses are very high, and can not save much money.
When I find it mentioned getting married, the rules of love didn't seem to work.
My ex-boyfriend is very mature and realistic, he said that I talked about marriage with him, but I never considered the realities of the economy, saying that I only knew how to talk about love. To say that my naïve mentality of not considering reality is not suitable for marriage now.
He also said that he did not have enough savings to buy a house and get married (which may be true), that he had a modest family background, that he was often anxious about his work, and that he wanted me to help him in his career.
I thought that this kind of self-motivated man could meet my needs, but I didn't expect my parents to say that his conditions were not good.
My parents advised me to marry a man with good family conditions, locals, houses, and financial pressures. There are also such men chasing me, and I also feel that with this kind of person I don't have to worry about any realities and money problems, but I hate his height and taste.
And I feel that I am more stubborn in my heart, and I don't cherish the easy liking, and I can't see his goodness.
But I know that if a man depends on me for even eating, or takes turns paying, I definitely don't like him, as if I have a little white face.
These chasers, now basically all kinds of activities they pay for, although do not know what will happen in the future.
I also know that my feelings come and go quickly, so I don't cling to a person.
I saw that the classmates around me also seemed to be married to their former classmates, and I didn't know their family conditions, but the income of the classmates should be similar.
It feels like Westerners choose a mate as if some people also pay more attention to spiritual communication, and do not value having a room or not. I don't know who I should choose? Can you tell me about the nature of marriage?
South-South Reply:
What is the nature of marriage? It's hard to put it in one sentence.
Readers who have read our columns for many years will certainly understand marriage with the times.
And I believe that as long as you often read our columns and connect with our readers, everyone will understand:
Marriage is essentially a contract, a contract that is constantly evolving with the times and constantly changing.
Today's story, we want to see two aspects:
First, many people have some misconceptions about different cultures.
You said: "It feels like Westerners choose a mate, as if some people also pay more attention to spiritual communication."
Of course, there are parts of this that are true, but more than that it is a misunderstanding.
It's a bit like in a key high school, students don't think about finding a college student in the future when choosing a mate.
Because in key high schools, almost everyone can go to college.
This is an implicit condition.
In many European and American countries, most people have solved the housing problem, in such a situation, housing will not become a factor that must be considered.
Not because housing isn't important, but because people already have it.
Believe it or not, in super-first-tier cities like London in the United Kingdom, Paris in France or New York in the United States, many people do not care about love, but when they get married, they are also very realistic, and they will definitely consider the problem of housing.
I know a lot of locals in Europe and the United States, as long as they live in the super front line, they will definitely pay attention to these problems.
But in other words, if you go to a country like the south of France or on a big farm in Texas, where everyone has a big house, people don't think about it.
At the end of the day, you see the surface of the problem, not the substance of it.
Secondly, orientals also pay attention to spiritual communication.
If you look at the local children in Shanghai and Beijing, these people who no longer worry about housing are also very picky about spiritual things.
So, this is not a cultural difference between the East and the West, this is a difference between yes and no.
As long as it is a person who has material things, he will pursue spiritual communication; as long as it is a place where everyone has a house, they will not think much about this.
Second, you discover the truth that "when it comes to marriage, the rules of love don't seem to work."
This is a lesson for all boys and girls when transitioning from short-term to long-term relationships.
Of course, long-term relationships sometimes manifest as marriage, and sometimes as cohabitation or other long-term partnerships.
What bothers you is not the difference between love and marriage, but the difference between short-term relationships and long-term relationships.
Like you said, your feelings come and go quickly, and you are not attached to a person.
It shows that you are still looking at long-term relationships in the same way as short-term relationships, and of course you will not get an answer.
In a short-term relationship, you can find someone who is called a person with good height and good taste.
But when you really get into a long-term relationship, the character, the fit of the development of both parties, a lot of things you have to start thinking about.
In a long-term relationship, two people have to really start teaming up.
Therefore, the other party will want you to help him in his career, which is a need for him to form a team.
And your parents will want you to find a local with good family conditions, which is also for the sake of teaming.
You have to understand that you now have a youth dividend, and there are many so-called people who chase you.
But are these people who chase you really willing to team up with you?
This is what you have to identify clearly.
Now the essential question is, you are changing from short-term relationships to long-term relationships, from love to marriage, what kind of person are you looking for to team up?
This is where you really get confused.
I'll teach you a way: find a point you're not willing to compromise on, without referring too much to cultural differences or the opinions of friends and family, who can't replace your feelings.
You must have something that you can't compromise, when you team up, what is most important to you, what can't be compromised, just find this.
You can have a point that never compromises, but you can only have one.
You are now uncompromising in everything and will definitely encounter difficulties when forming a team.
If you are picky that your boyfriend is not good enough in terms of finances on the one hand, and if you are picky about the height and taste of the locals on the other hand, isn't it another dilemma, to find a perfect person?
When teaming up for a long-term relationship, everyone is answering the same question, and I will tell you this sentence:
Teaming up is like buying a house, under limited conditions, choose the one with the optimal solution, and you must see this clearly from beginning to end.
Bless you and find your best solution as soon as possible.
Author Nannan, focus on the field of emotions to create and share, with emotions to communicate with you and my soul, but I hope you and I know each other here, like please pay attention to me.