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Keywords: 3 love breakups for similar reasons
Q: There was a question that puzzled me recently, and it actually started to appear the first time I fell in love.
I am 29 years old, my parents have not had a good relationship since I was a child, my father often beat my mother, sometimes beat me and my brother, but it was not very serious.
Our hearts are very hurt, my brother and I are very withdrawn, and I have been very negative and depressed because of my insecurity.
I have been in love 3 times in ten years, they left first, the reasons are very similar, and the talk time is not long, it is less than half a year.
The longest one was the first paragraph, talked for 2 years, he said he didn't like my personality, negative depression, no sunshine, always like to complain, unhappy with me is too depressing.
The second boyfriend talked for four months and broke up with me for the same reason, saying that I always liked to complain, like a complaining woman.
At the end of last year, I met my current boyfriend, we met at the exhibition, and we added WeChat to each other.
He's 8 years older than me, divorced, has a 10 year old daughter with his ex-wife, basically texts me every day and always wants to ask me out.
He asked me to send him a location, but at first I refused because I thought he was too old and I wanted to find someone my peers and mind that he had a history of marriage.
We didn't go home for the New Year, everyone had twenty days of vacation, and during that time he drove me to a lot of places to play and took good care of me.
Because I was happy, I didn't say negative energy as I used to.
After the start of construction, we often saw each other, and every weekend he took me to his place for the night, and every day when we didn't see each other, we would video every day.
But recently I found out that he didn't take the initiative to find me, and in turn I took the initiative to find him, but he would reply to my messages and pick up my videos.
We still have a connection, and he will send me videos, but most of the time it is I who take the initiative.
He made my heart ache in this way, and I experienced being beaten and abandoned as before.
I wanted to give up, but I couldn't.
(I deleted my chat history that day because I was so sad, and we still had video calls.) ）
South-South Reply:
This is a very typical emotional problem caused by the family of origin.
I would like to analyze in detail in three aspects, hoping to help all people affected by their original families.
First, of all these problems, the most important one is called "the problem caused by emotional patterns."
There is a basic concept in the emotional pattern, and some emotions are the basic emotions of people, just like the joys and sorrows we usually talk about.
This basic level of operation of emotions, usually part of their own emotions, part of the instrumental emotions.
Of course, not all of our own emotions are instrumental emotions.
For example, the heroine mentions that she has been very negative and depressed, insecure, very withdrawn, etc., which are actually typical instrumental emotions.
Because when you are in a lonely state, you don't have to connect with others, and you avoid the possibility of being hurt.
Including negative depression, there is also its function and purpose.
Such instrumental emotions are often caused by the way they are treated in adolescence, or childhood.
Therefore, we must return to the original scene to solve, rather than growing up and treating intimate relationships with such instrumental emotions.
Of course, we also know that this is unconscious.
But in situations that are already perceived, change must be made.
As in the case of the heroine, what needs to be done is to face her father again, or to face the root cause of instrumental emotions again.
As adults, the resources we have today are not the same as those of childhood children.
"How do you reinvent your resources with today's resources, or reinvent emotional patterns?" , which is crucial.
Suppose a child, locked in a room by his family in his early childhood, forms an emotional pattern of loneliness and helplessness.
Today, as an adult, you can leave this room anytime, anywhere.
As long as you continue to explore bravely and have the ability to get rid of being controlled, you can form new emotional patterns.
In this case, the heroine formed a lonely and negative emotional pattern because of her father's behavior of beating her mother.
But today, we already have enough ability and physical strength to stop this violence.
We can even call the police, and we can further apply to the court for very diverse ways to control violence, such as personal safety restriction orders.
Therefore, the most important thing to do now is to change the emotional pattern, rather than continue to carry the emotional pattern into the current intimate relationship.
I actually wrote a book about emotions, but I've been polishing and publishing it.
If you have any expectations about the emotional aspect, you can tell me in the comments section.
Emotions are especially important because they are an important key to unlocking the problems of the original family and intimacy.
Second, for the important cognition of different stages of development of intimate relationships, we must do cognitive upgrading.
Why can this girl do it at the beginning of the relationship development, but not after the relationship development?
Because at the beginning of the relationship, everyone is their own ambassador.
In order not to let the true self show up, so as to pretend to play someone else.
During the pretend play, this superficial image is carefully maintained, so the conflict is not revealed.
However, I think the more important things in the relationship are the run-in period and the conflict period.
Through the conflicts brought about by these three loves, the heroine can actually find the real problems to be solved in the "self": her own emotions, security and some deeper issues.
Therefore, we must learn to get through the run-in period in the relationship.
This kind of spending is essentially learning to find the real issues of your own during the run-in period, and then trying to solve these issues.
If the last problem is not resolved, even if a relationship is found again, it will still be destroyed.
Therefore, we must regard every run-in and conflict as the best opportunity and the best opportunity period for self-improvement.
Third, the happiness of life must be built on oneself.
The man's imminent departure allows the heroine to experience the repeated feelings of the past, indicating that she bases the happiness of life on others.
Basing happiness on a man, if the other person can't continue to be nice to her, will become a very poor person.
Moreover, if you talk about marriage and marry in order to get happy and need the other party to continue to pay, all relationships are bound to fail.
Because no one talks about marriage and marriage is to find abuse, people also want to be happy.
Basing all the love of the other person on the basis of making yourself shine is not love, but selfishness.
So, an important cognitive upgrade is that we have to shine ourselves.
You must also contribute to a relationship yourself in order to have a long-term and stable relationship.
You must let go of a part of your own needs to meet each other's needs, build together, and invest in a relationship together, so that life can pass the card point.
Otherwise, this pain will only be repeated again and again.
I sincerely hope that everyone can sort out their emotions, cross the conflict period, the run-in period, and jointly create and contribute to the relationship.
Author Nannan, focus on the field of emotions to create and share, with emotions to communicate with you and my soul, but I hope you and I know each other here, like please pay attention to me.