The 34-year-old mother who is the most emotionally stable in the circle of friends actually has breast cancer

Author: The main creative group · Pig Mother

Swipe your phone before going to bed, see a college friend, and suddenly update a circle of friends:

"The elders taught me to be sensible, but they never taught me to be happy, I am not depressed, I am really pitiful..."

I was about to ask her what was wrong, but found that the status was deleted in seconds.

I hesitated, but still nodded her avatar and made a comforting expression. Thinking of the middle-aged mother, who has not had the moment of collapse in the middle of the night, the heart is tired and spit a few words to each other, and he is a good man tomorrow morning.

But the next news made me lose sleep all night.

She said she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, or at an advanced stage...

If I'm not mistaken, she's only 34 years old, and her daughter is only 2 years older than my son, and she is just in third grade this year.

In college, she was the gentlest, most persistent, and most caring of our group.

Once, when I had severe menstrual pain, she lent me her warming belt and "educated" me that girls should eat less raw and cold things.

I wanted to lose weight, and she asked me to go for a run with her at 6 a.m., but it lasted for two weeks, I made an excuse to withdraw, and she ran from school to graduation.

After graduation, she married her first love who had been in love for many years and went to live in the other party's city. Originally, the family and Hemeimei did not expect to encounter such a thing.

Thinking about it, my heart soured... How can such a warm, kind, and self-disciplined person get cancer?

Behind every emotionally stable mother, there is an invisible bitterness...

Before, in her circle of friends, I never saw any negative emotions, I always thought that she was doing well, but I didn't expect that we were all "deceived" by her.

She said that after having children, many people can't help themselves.

Because she married far away, her parents could not help, and her in-laws were not in good health, so after giving birth, she had to quit her job at a state-owned enterprise and bring it herself.

The child is small, and she thinks that her husband will work during the day and take care of it alone at night.

In the neonatal period, it is difficult to breastfeed, change diapers, burp, and sleep for 1-2 hours. Later, when she was older, she herself began to lose sleep again... The child had a cold and cough, and she also tossed to go to the hospital.

After the children went to school, she also started working. I thought it would finally be easier, but I found that it was easy to be a mother.

She wakes up every morning at five or six o'clock to do housework, drop off the children, and go to work again; Pick up the children after work, then go home to cook, clean up the house, and accompany the children to write homework; Until 10 o'clock at night, when the child goes to sleep, there is still a parent group message to return, and the child's weekend interest class should be chosen...

What's more abrasive is that because of the pressure and long-term forced to stay up late, she suffered from severe sleep disorders.

She wanted to sleep but couldn't, often waking up late at night, listening to the child's evenly stretched breathing and her husband's snoring one after another, mixed feelings, silently crying.

Once, a friend called her to ask how she was doing, and she, who has always been strong, paused and said, "It's all right, I just want to get a good night's sleep." ”

As a wife, as a mother, taking care of everything, but "wanting to sleep well" has become a luxury.

During the child's school activities, she discussed with her husband whether he could go, but her husband said that she had to "work hard" for her again during the critical period of promotion.

Returning to the workplace is not easy, she has to take care of her children, she can't work overtime, and she often takes leave, which makes her hit a wall at work everywhere.

It is clear that he has undertaken everything like Superman, but in the eyes of his family, it is a trivial matter that is "not worth mentioning", and even he does not feel worthy...

Before, I saw a news that a mother of a second child died suddenly because she stayed up late playing with her mobile phone.

When her mother-in-law went to the room to call her, she found her lying on her side, her eyes still glued to the Taobao interface of her mobile phone.

As a full-time mother, such a cause of death from staying up late is somewhat ridiculous in the eyes of many people, but it hurts the tears of many mothers.

Children eat so much and use every day, which one does not need to spend time to pick and buy, everyone only sees the mother brushing the mobile phone, shopping for treasures, doing some trivial things, but do not know, this itself is also part of the "housework" life!

Mothers don't have so many nights to stay up, only want to sleep and not sleep, and the anxiety and helplessness of putting down and picking up the mobile phone.

"Isn't it just cooking a meal and bringing a baby, how hard can it be?"

"Which, if you don't do this, why can't you stand it?"

How easy it is to say these words, but only by really experiencing them can you understand:

That mother, who seems indestructible and omnipotent, silently endures a lot of hardship and bitterness that others can't empathize with.

Women who are too sensible are overdrawing themselves

When my friend was a child, she grew up with her grandparents, and her parents were rarely around, so she said that she was not very close to anyone. Being sensible is the "way of survival" she learned when she was a child.

Growing up, becoming a family, she has more things to take on, but even if she needs help again, she can't open her mouth. Because "not bothering others" is her "upbringing" engraved in her bones.

Seeing how hard she works every day, I have talked to her more than once, "Or tell your mother, they are retired anyway, come and help you." She said directly: "Forget it, they also have their own lives, and it is better for the children to bring them by themselves." ”

The family also suggested, or should the child be released back to his hometown? She didn't agree. I know that she is not without choices, but she just can't bear that her daughter will be the same as when she was a child.

She wants to be a good mother and try to take care of everyone.

But where in the world is there such a good thing? And which mom is really Superman?

Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said that excluding physiological factors, all psychosomatic diseases are talking about unresolved psychological conflicts.

According to data from the World Health Organization, more than 90% of diseases are related to emotions. Irregular life and high work pressure will indeed have some impact on health, but what really consumes the body the most is emotions.

Breast hyperplasia, ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids, urinary system infections, gynecological chronic inflammation and other diseases are very common in women after childbirth, to put it bluntly, they are all "emotional diseases".

Obviously, I can't do it alone, and I still support it in order to be a "good mother";

I obviously hope that my husband will support, understand, and take care of him, but he says: You are busy with work, career is the most important;

Obviously tired and want to take a break, but also to give myself chicken blood: I can insist, other mothers can do it, why can't I?

Always suppressing their emotions and aiming the finger at themselves, these grievances and pressures that they swallowed alone finally showed themselves physically.

But is she really wrong?

She just wants to be a good mother with 100 points, and she wants to try to make everyone "satisfied"...

Be a 60-point mom, 100% yourself

People always like to praise mothers with hard work, greatness, good wives and good mothers, as if only dedication and sacrifice for the family is a good mother.

Now, there are some more standards, a good mother must also be emotionally stable, self-disciplined, self-motivated, and take care of family and career.

In order to meet these standards, mothers not only have to set an example in every word and deed, but even take responsibility for emotional release.

But if you want to be a "good mother", do you really need to be so "perfect"?

I have a girlfriend who has a very straight personality, and my husband asked her what gift she wanted for Valentine's Day.

She replied: "You don't have to give anything, take your son out, have fun, let me lie down for a day!" ”

Sometimes I can't help but lose my temper with my son, and she will also say calmly: "I'm sorry, my mother is too tired today, so my mood is a little bad, I'm angry because of what you just did, not because I don't love you..."

Once, she suddenly messaged me and asked me to go on a trip, and I asked, "What about your son?" Are you doing home with his dad? ”

She said: "It's such a big person, I can do it, why can't he?" If you encounter a problem, it's normal, figure it out yourself! ”

It turned out that she quarreled with her husband, and without saying a word, she threw her 6-year-old son to her husband and came out.

In everyone's eyes, she may not be a "virtuous" wife or a "competent" mother, but in fact, her husband and son love her very much.

Because of the experience of raising children alone, my husband can understand the hard work of her raising a baby alone, and often reads to her son, this family, without your mother.

And the child, there is a mother who never sulks, and a father who can accompany him from time to time, who is also very cheerful and independent.

We often think that as a mother, we must give for our children; A good mother must create good conditions for her children. But looking back, these have never been children's "requirements", the so-called "good", but are other people's opinions, other people's standards.

The role of the mother really needs to face only: the child and herself!

The so-called "perfect mother" who can raise excellent children is really not what you have to do, but that your existence is already unique to children.

A few days ago, with a heavy heart, I talked to a very respectful teacher about my friend, and the points she shared made me feel a lot more relaxed instantly. She said:

First, we must be clear about our needs and pamper ourselves.

Pampering yourself more does not mean that the mother is selfish, but only when your basic needs are met can you have the energy to meet your family.

As the book "You Are the Light of the Child" puts it, it is only when we "present a more relaxed and authentic state, but we can better experience the happiness of the emotional flow between parents and children."

Second, we must learn to let go, children are not as fragile as they think.

Sometimes it's not that the children can't do without us, or that the husband or family can't bring the children, but that we are "not at ease". Mothers might as well let go of their obsession with "perfection", expose their weaknesses, and accept the "inadequacies" in life.

When you let go of your hand, you will find that the child is more "powerful" than we think, and these "deficiencies" are far less terrifying than imagined.

Third, on the road to parenting, you should ask your husband and family for help.

People are social animals, and parenting is a social behavior from the beginning of primitive society, and it should not be "alone".

Modern society is developing rapidly, young parents still have jobs, and children can be "pulled up" casually as before. Let us not overemphasize "independence" to the neglect of the "interdependent" needs of human beings themselves.

As Professor Shen Yifei of Fudan University said, it is necessary to emphasize the cooperative parenting model, which is an inevitable feature of refined parenting in the future. Let's not be shy about talking.

Schopenhauer said, "What others see you does not determine your happiness, your happiness depends on your own perception." ”

Whether it is 80 points or 60 points, mothers must start from their own feelings and find a more comfortable life model.

To be a good mother, more important than 100 points, always be 100% of yourself.

Others say that after becoming a mother, it is difficult to have a self, but in my opinion, being a mother is an opportunity to live again.

When you participate in the birth and growth of a life, and experience the hardships of being a mother and wife, you can examine yourself more thoroughly and understand:

Authenticity, in fact, is far better than perfection.

May my dear friends and thousands of mothers who are burdened by "emotions" be able to recover their health;

I hope that every woman who has been scarred by collisions in her growth can forge a more spiritual, clearer and more beautiful soul in this trial of life!