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Editor's note:
Sometimes, a person complains frequently, not necessarily really trying to solve the problem, but just wanting to vent his emotions.
What we have to do at this time is not to actively help them think of various ways.
Instead, it only takes 2 words – "negative" – and the effect is better.
From: Wu Zhihong (ID: wzhxlx)
Author: Li Xiang
Reproduction is authorized
01
The more you say, the more people collapse
Have you ever had this experience:
When listening to other people's complaints, feel that you must do something for the other party;
But when he proposed various methods, the other party was even more uncomfortable.
After returning from the holidays, my colleague Xiaoyan shared a similar experience.
At home during the Spring Festival, my mother complained to Xiaoyan for one night.
As a housewife, my mother usually has nowhere to go, so she can only face her husband, but her husband has a bad temper and is difficult to serve.
There are also elderly people in bed, who cook stews and supplements on time every day, and run to the vegetable market three times a day when they are busy.
If the dish is not finely chopped, the old man cannot swallow it, and he will point to his face and scold "Don't you want to give me food".
The middle-aged woman was bitter, so she had to seize the opportunity once a year to talk to her daughter.
But every time I hear these words, Xiao Yan feels very tired.
On the one hand, it is filled with righteous indignation for her mother's experience, and empathizes with her for being too desperate;
On the other hand, he took on the role of his mother and wanted to help her solve problems.
Chatting and chatting, it became Xiaoyan to point out the work to the mother:
"Mom, you usually go out and walk more, don't always stay with your father."
"The old man is sick and short-tempered, so there is no need to put his words at ease."
"If it's too hard, it's better to just leave it and find a nanny!"
Hearing these "solutions", although the mother said "yes", her mood became significantly lower.
Finally, under the pretext of saying "sleepy", he stopped talking and returned to his room.
It seems that talking to my daughter has also become a source of pressure for my mother.
02
The more positive the communication, the less effective it is
Why is that?
This is because in the communication with her mother, Xiaoyan always uses a "positive communication" method.
Positive communication here refers to thinking that it is your responsibility to help others get better in the face of other people's complaints, and then unconsciously thinking of various solutions for the other party.
This does seem to be well-intentioned, but there is actually a thought behind it:
I don't believe you have the ability to face problems and I have to help you.
This tends to have two bad consequences.
For listeners –
They will take the pain of the other person on themselves and be forced to shoulder the responsibility of helping others become better.
It's like Xiaoyan.
Every time I hear my mother's complaints, she is like a great enemy,
I feel sad for my mother, and I am very eager to help her get out of the sea of suffering.
So he began to make various suggestions and urged his mother to act as soon as possible according to his own ideas.
However, it is also an emotional drain for her.
For the complainant -
In the face of various correct practices, I had to hold my emotions back abruptly and was forced to change myself according to the advice of the other party:
Would I be better off acting than complaining here?
Therefore, after listening to Xiaoyan's "teaching", although her mother said that she must make changes, in fact, the most intuitive feeling in her heart is:
The daughter did not see and understand her emotions.
Therefore, during the conversation, my mother felt more and more uncomfortable, and finally had to stop complaining and suppress her true feelings again.
And if you use "positive communication" for a long time,
For the listener, it is the burden of constantly having to solve problems for others;
For the complainant, emotions are never accepted, and finally they have to choose to close the door completely.
At this time, both people were tired and distant.
Therefore, in the face of other people's complaints, we may wish to change the way of communication - "negative communication".
03
Perhaps, we need some "negative communication"
Maybe everyone will be confused:
Why is "negative" advocated?
In the humanistic thought in psychotherapy, there is such a view:
People are the first person responsible for changing themselves, and everyone has the tendency to change and develop themselves.
In the face of the difficulties of others:
When you are too positive, others will be negative;
But if you are a little more negative, the other person will take a little more responsibility for themselves.
The "negativity" here is not not not care, but precisely a kind of "restrained care".
The key is that we trust each other and then give back the ownership of the change.
Therefore, in the face of complaints like Xiaoyan's mother, I advocate "negative communication".
Because behind this, there is a kernel that is:
Believe that the other person can get better on their own without us needing to help make each other better.
Specifically, there are two levels.
The first is to replace "high feedback" with "less feedback".
That is: speak less, listen more.
A friend shared a change between him and his partner.
In the past, every time his partner complained to him about work, he couldn't help but help her with advice, and even preach.
This makes my partner particularly depressed: obviously I am angry, how can he be angrier than me, and he is particularly daddy.
In the end, the two chatted and always broke up unhappily.
Until recently, the partner crackled again.
The friend remembered the scene of the cold war between the two before, so he resisted the urge to make suggestions, and just listened to each other on the sidelines.
Unexpectedly, after the partner complained, he directly left a sentence of "Okay, I vented my emotions and felt comfortable", and then went to continue working.
Afterwards, the friend recalled that he found that after this communication, the relationship between the two was not as tense as before, and the reason turned out to be -
When the other party complained, he did not give too many evaluations and suggestions, but just listened quietly on the side.
Maybe some people will be confused, if one person is desperately speaking, but the person on the other side is silent, isn't it more infuriating?
However, the fact is often -
Many times, others are repeatedly complaining and desperately complaining, and they don't really want to discuss how to solve their dilemma.
It's that Ta is purely wronged and needs to vent his strong emotions.
And when we use the "less talk, more listen" way to treat their complaints, we send them a message:
You talk more, speak freely,
I heard your grievances and saw your emotions,
I'm here with you.
At this time, the emotions of the complainant are flowed, and there is more psychological space to face the dilemma.
The second is to replace "advice" with "curiosity".
That is: do not rush to give advice, but use a "state of not understanding" to curiously understand the other party.
In the face of other people's complaints, we often use the method of "positive communication" to predict in advance:
Are you doing the right thing?
Whether your idea is reasonable,
What else can you do...
Then it's easy to think of ways and lists for the other person.
The way to "negative communication" is to let go of all thoughts and just be curious:
What is going on in the other person's heart?
Why did Ta come to such a conclusion?
Then listen to more deeper things, so that the complainant can clear his mind and make changes.
A consultant shared a case.
One visitor has struggled to make a trade-off between work and caring for his family.
Although she really wanted to go out to work, she always felt that if she didn't spend her time taking care of her family, she meant that she was a bad wife and a bad mother.
She has told many people about her entanglements, and others have given her a lot of advice:
Some persuaded her to give up her job and let her take care of her family at home;
Some support her to work, saying that women should be financially independent.
But she still couldn't make a choice, and instead fell into a more painful mood.
Later, the counselor asked her a question:
Why do you feel that if you don't spend your time on your family, you are a bad person?
It turned out that the woman was born into a conservative family.
As a role model for her, her mother was a full-time housewife all her life, and her father always taught her to be a good wife and mother.
And since childhood, the surrounding environment also has more rigid requirements for female roles.
And when this visitor, after answering the consultant's question, gradually realized:
Choosing to go out to work and reduce the time spent taking care of the family does not mean that you are a bad woman, it is just a shackle given to you by the outside world.
Then the counselor asked her a second question:
Being a housewife is so hard, how do you keep going?
In this regard, the visitor talked about a small event in life.
It is really hard to do housework and raise children on weekdays, but I am very interested in sorting out housework.
So after cleaning up the room and living room every day, I feel very relaxed and fulfilled when I see that my home is in order.
She also mentioned that the job she wanted to apply for was actually a finisher.
As she spoke, she began to realize that—
In such a bad situation, in fact, I have something that I both love and give back to myself.
Therefore, she no longer struggled between work and being a housewife, but decided to return to the workplace.
So, when important people come to complain, we can also try to be like counselors:
Just provide a safe environment for the other person to use "curiosity" to help them sort themselves out and make them realize that they have the power to make a difference.
At the same time, when a person communicates in a "I'm curious why you think the way" way, it may be the beginning of our true understanding of others and building relationships.
Write at the end
Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson has a sharp definition of psychological counseling in "The Twelve Rules of Life":
Counseling is not advice.
When you tell someone about something bad, he will give you advice if he wants to perfunctory you.
Counseling is a sincere conversation.
Most of the time you're listening, and listening is paying attention to the other person's performance.
Of course, life is not about counseling.
We also have a lot of our own pressures and difficulties and don't have to ask ourselves to listen to others like a counselor.
But if you want to really help each other, if you want to accompany each other through painful moments, then you have to understand -
In the face of other people's complaints, using "positive communication" is easy to stifle the connection between people.
Therefore, we can give up positive feedback, stop "preaching", believe that the other person has the ability to get better, and then choose the way of "negative communication" -
Let go of your presets,
Listen attentively to each other's emotions,
Pay attention to what the other person really thinks.
In this way, let the other party pour out the turbulent emotions in his heart, and also let the other party realize that he has the power to solve the problem.
And that's what listening really means.
Author: Li Xiang. This article is reproduced with permission from the WeChat public account: Wu Zhihong (ID: wzhxlx). Wu Zhihong, a senior psychological counselor, is the author of the popular column "Have a Life You Have the Final Say", and the author of the best-selling books "Why Home Hurts", "Why Love Hurts", Weibo: @武志红. At present, Wu Zhihong Psychological Counseling Center has been opened in 10 cities in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, Shenzhen, Hangzhou, Xiamen, Chengdu, Suzhou, Nanjing and Qingdao.
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