Bun \ Shizu Ichiba, Ezaume Musume
In the book "Why the Home Hurts", there was a point of view that parents are a mirror of their children,
This really makes sense, and a truly wise parent should be able to see from their child's adult performance that they have problems with his education.
Not long ago, the short drama "Sanyue Has a New Job" had a plot, which caused heated discussions among netizens.
On the evening of Chinese New Year's Eve, the children rushed home when they learned of their father's death.
Unexpectedly, the children returned home in a hurry, and no one cared about the cold body of their father, but rummaged through the boxes and cabinets to find the real estate certificate of the old man.
Yang Lin, who drove a hearse next to him to pick up the body, asked the old man's son: "Do you want to change the old man's life clothes?" The child casually said, "For what?" Quickly dragged away and cremated directly. ”
Yang Lin was stunned for a second, not knowing what to say, but the body had to be disposed of, so he and his colleagues helped the old man change into a life clothes. Just about to change the old man's birthday clothes, Yang Lin found two real estate certificates on him, and he quickly contacted his family.
When the old man's son came in a hurry, he was overjoyed, and then complained that the old man hid the real estate certificate so deeply, Yang Lin was surprised why this son was so indifferent, only to hear his son say indignantly: "It's not that we are not filial, and he is not worthy of being a father." ”
The old man may have done something wrong when he was young, but as a son, he only wants an inheritance and does not want to fulfill his obligations, which is too much.
We don't know how the old man is excessive, but if it were not for the help of the staff, the two real estate certificates would probably be cremated with the old man, which fully shows that the elderly and their children have not been in contact for a long time, and the parent-child relationship is indeed very problematic.
Around us, there are many such old people, they are getting older, but they are forgotten and abandoned, and their later life is very bleak, sometimes, we will accuse our children of unfilial piety, but more often, the old people also need to think about whether they have also done something bad.
Generally speaking, in these cases, the elderly are often abandoned by their children in their old age.
01. Control without borders, making children want to escape
When my cousin was young, he had a stable job, and after he was laid off, he opened a breakfast restaurant with his wife. Now I am over 60 years old, but I still get up early and dark every day.
My cousin has always been depressed recently, complaining that his life is not good and raising a white-eyed wolf.
I was puzzled, so I asked my mother about my cousin, and I knew why.
It turned out that the cousin who was less than 30 years old had to obey his cousin's arrangement for big and small things, and once he refuted, his cousin would scold him for being unfilial and even ask his son to hand over his salary card for safekeeping.
The cousin married twice, each time because the cousin was too lenient, and the marriage broke down. Later, the cousin simply said: I will live by myself in the future.
My cousin rented a house outside, did not come home all year round, and only called his mother every New Year's holiday, and there was not a word of greeting for his father.
A while ago, my cousin was hospitalized with a broken wrestling bone, and my cousin called my cousin after being busy alone, but my cousin did not respond.
My cousin secretly wept in the ward, and he said to the relatives who came to visit: I am old, but I was abandoned by my son, and my life is bitter!
If there is a lack of necessary boundaries between parents and children, then children can easily feel suffocated, and it is easier to flee their original family as adults.
Psychologists have done a study and found that there is a certain spatial distance between people and people, and once the field is violated by others, people will feel uncomfortable, insecure, and even begin to try to escape.
As Wu Zhihong said in "Why Home Hurts":
"The meaning of life lies in choice, when a person constantly makes choices for his life, then whether these choices are right or wrong, his life will be enriched by independent choice, and his psychological energy will continue to increase."
That's right, only by letting the child take the initiative to make his own choices can a person truly live. If a person is made by others in his life, then his life loses its precious meaning.
No matter how "right" those choices may be from a utilitarian point of view, he will be a weak and powerless person.
Wise parents know how to slowly release their control over their children as they get older.
Long Yingtai said in "Eyesight":
"The so-called parents and children just mean that your fate with him is to constantly watch his back drift away in this life and this life."
This is true between parents and children, and if parents interfere too much with their children and do not withdraw at the right time, the children will only find a way to escape.
And the old people who have no sense of boundaries will mostly be abandoned by their children.
02. Coddling without bottom line and making children become giant babies
"Why Home Hurts" says:
"Parents of healthy families, who love their child deeply, raise him, not to share this result for themselves, not to stick with the child forever, but to push him out of the house and into a wider world, so that he can live an independent and autonomous life."
Yes, really smart parents know how to cultivate their children's ability to live independently, when their children are young, they will not deprive their children of the right to suffer setbacks, and when the child becomes an adult, they will not support their life too much, let alone kidnap another child with better development to subsidize him.
Thinking of the once popular TV series "Ode to Joy", the reason why Fan Shengmei's image of "helping the younger brother demon" is deeply rooted in the hearts of the people is due to her parents.
Fan Shengmei's parents are very "patriarchal", and their daughter is single in her thirties and unmarried, they don't care, and they never even ask her about her job. The elder brother is in the prime of life, he eats and is lazy all day, and every time he lacks money, he will ask his elderly parents for it, and the two old men feel very sorry for their son, and often call Fan Shengmei for money for various reasons, forcing their daughter to tears several times.
The older brother, who was doted on by his parents from childhood to adulthood, took his sister's efforts for granted, and even changed his law to take advantage of his sister.
Parents always say "raise children to prevent old age", but they don't know that spoiled sons can't do what they want.
The brother gambled all day and owed others a lot of foreign debts, the debt collector came to collect the debt, the couple simply fled outside to hide, the old man was afraid that his son would suffer hardships, and gave all the money on his son to his son, and the two took their grandson less than 5 years old to Shanghai to join Fan Shengmei.
The penniless old man, who lacked enough food and blew a cold wind at the train station overnight, Fan Shengmei's father suffered a stroke all of a sudden.
With 100,000 yuan in surgery fees and medical expenses, Fan Shengmei had nothing to do, and with the help of her friends, she decided to sell her brother's house. In order to have a place to live, the mother said that she would not sell her house at all, and even knelt down to ask someone to borrow money to keep her son's house.
Human lives are at stake, and selling a house to save lives is originally a natural thing, but Fan Shengmei's mother only sees this incomplete son, but the son's approach makes people feel cold.
Fan Shengmei did not want to be harassed by her brother and refused to meet, and her brother called Wang Bochuan's house and wanted to force Fan Shengmei to appear. What's even more infuriating is that on the night of the big winter, the brother carried his paralyzed father to Wang Bai's house and flew away, while the old man was put to the ground halfway, which really made everyone feel sorry for the old man.
The parents gave everything to their son, but when they were old, they were thrown away like waste, and I don't know if Fan Shengmei's parents regretted it at that moment.
In fact, behind the old man's spoiled children, there are always children who cannot be fed, because the overly doting children only see themselves.
Relevant surveys have shown that all children who are spoiled by their parents are generally more selfish, and in their daily lives, they will see themselves as the center of the world, and ask others to revolve around them in order to satisfy their desires to the greatest extent possible.
Children who have been spoiled since childhood mostly do not listen to their parents' discipline when they grow up, and do not work hard and enterprising, and it is almost impossible to expect them to retire.
But at the root of it, the unfilial piety of children is often the result of parental doting.
As said in "Why Home Hurts":
"Coddling = excessive obstruction."
At the beginning, you used doting to stop his growth, and now why do you blame him for not growing up?
03. Endlessly ask for and disassociate your children from them
In "Why Home Hurts", author Wu Zhihong said:
"Creating guilt through self-sacrifice and then using this to force the other person to obey is a very common tactic in Chinese families."
Thinking of a news makes people sigh.
Wang Yongqiang, a cold student, through hard work, jumped to the dragon gate to be admitted to Peking University, when he got his doctorate, but chose to study in the United States, and did not return home for 20 years, even if his mother was seriously ill, he never visited.
It turned out that Wang Yongqiang had been kidnapped by the "guilt" created for him by his parents and struggled painfully for many years.
Wang Yongqiang was born in Changzhou, Jiangsu Province, to peasant parents and a disabled older brother. His parents had little culture, so they pinned all their hopes on him, hoping that he could go out early to earn money to support the family.
When he finally reached junior high school, his father told him to drop out of school to work, but Wang Yongqiang was unwilling, so in order to get his parents to agree to go to school, he took over the farm work outside the family, and was often busy until dark to study.
The stubborn Wang Yongqiang knew that reading could change his destiny, so he worked hard while studying, and after graduating from high school, he was finally admitted to Soochow University in Jiangsu with excellent grades.
Unable to pay the high tuition fees, his parents again suspended him from school, urging him to hurry up and work outside, they said: "What is the use of studying!" And you can't eat it as a meal! ”
Then every day on the phone, he whispered to his son, crying about his hard work and his brother's difficulty.
During his four years in college, his family didn't give him a penny, but instead sent home most of the scholarships he had worked hard to get.
Once, Wang Yongqiang did not send money home that month because he needed funds for his homework projects, and when his mother learned about it, she ran to the school to make a fuss, making Wang Yongqiang a "celebrity" in the school, which made him very desperate.
During his doctoral studies, Wang Yongqiang met the girl he wanted, and the two quickly fell in love and talked about marriage. The mother was afraid that her son would forget his mother if he married his daughter-in-law, and would not agree to this marriage, so she did not even participate in her son's wedding.
Later, his parents decided that he climbed the high branch, asked him to send money home, and ran to his house to make trouble, his wife was really unbearable, and the marriage between the two was eventually broken up by his parents.
In order to escape the harassment of his parents, Wang Yongqiang divorced his wife, went to the United States alone, for 20 years, there was no contact with his parents, when his parents found a reporter, and the reporter contacted Wang Yongqiang, he finally understood the reason.
This news is heart-wrenching, on the one hand, we lament the difficulty of this pair of parents, on the other hand, we are also a little distressed about Wang Yongqiang's growth.
Parents' upbringing of their children should not be for the purpose of taking, and once parenting becomes a relationship of interest, family affection will slowly be worn out and disappeared. The moral kidnapping of parents gradually turns into a dagger, stabbing children, children who are unable to repay the grace of nurturing, and will form a kind of "learned helplessness", or let them simply shake their hands away.
Zhao Puchu, a famous social activist, said in "There Are Seven Perceptions of Old Age":
"Understand that people regard giving to their children as an obligation and pleasure, and do not seek to reciprocate, but want to reciprocate, which is to seek trouble."
Yes, raise children do not always think about preventing aging, or even blindly ask for it, such parents are likely to be abandoned by their children when they are old.
04. Mei Niang said
Home is our origin and our destination, but it can also be the place that hurts us the most.
Why? Wu Zhihong's book "Why Does Home Hurt People" tells the answer to this question.
With rich experience in the psychology industry, the author reveals the operation mechanism of Chinese families and the common contradictions and problems from multiple aspects of the family.
As parents, we all hope to have a happy and peaceful old age, but improper education is easy to be abandoned by our children, and our old age is lonely and desolate.
If you are also a parent, I hope that we will study this book together, and from the first moment we have children, we will have the right educational perspective, so that I believe that each of us can have a happy old age.
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