Hello, hello everyone, here is the South South really material, I am south South. Pay attention to me to learn more emotional stories, let every heart that needs warmth be comforted, I hope that everyone can get a moment of relaxation and ease here, and better face the emotional life.
Today's reader's story comes from the cold love Q&A live version of Guangzhou Station, and it is also the last question of Guangzhou Station, so stay tuned to the next issue of Chengdu Station Live Q&A.
Keywords: how to be the woman men need
Subject: Female
Q: After thinking about it for a long time, I still decided to ask, maybe Leng Ai can give me some direction.
It's been 4 months since the end of the last relationship, and the ex-boyfriend took the cold violence to end, chose to disappear on my birthday, and didn't answer the phone and didn't reply to the message. Later, after meeting for more than half a month, it was considered a formal breakup.
Ex-boyfriend is excellent in appearance, the family is also very good, self-employment, considered an elite man, but the career belongs to the start-up stage, I have a stable job, a well-off family, a good job, a good job, and his work rhythm Gap is too large.
It may be the class gap and emotional intelligence problem, I can't be the woman he needs, I can feel that at this stage my situation is also difficult to change, so my appeal is: how to change myself, to become the woman that this kind of man needs?
Answer on the spot
There are two places I would like to respond to you:
First, you say, "He suddenly disappeared without answering the phone and not replying to messages."
In fact, no thing is sudden, all things, it must have signs. If there are no signs, you have not found them, not that the signs have not occurred.
If you can't find signs of an event, it can only mean that your emotional intelligence is not enough, and your observation is not enough.
Second, can't all problems be solved through communication?
If I want to communicate with Buffett and ask him to give me a hundred million dollars, do you think this communication is OK? It's not called communication, it's called blackmail.
So we need to know that not all problems can be solved through communication.
In the eyes of others, this is a typical pattern-level problem.
You yourself feel that you are very different from him, in fact, you have no confidence in this relationship, you have lowered yourself at the pattern level.
At this time, you can only re-attract him through the change of the pattern level, which is a typical secondary attraction problem. And you will find that the change in this pattern requires an essential change.
What is this change in the pattern?
Pattern = value/demand
When your needs are greater and the degree of demand is higher, the lower your position in the pattern is, because it is you who need him, not him who needs you.
Maybe there was a moment when he needed you very much before you were together or at the beginning of your time, and at that time the pattern was briefly balanced. But as you're together, once that need is released and he needs you less, the pattern is out of balance again.
In other words, maybe there's so much that you attract him and make him feel needy, and once that part is released, it's over.
There is another possibility that you are worth it. This value is not about how tall you are, how big your chest is, how white you are.
Rather, if we admit that there is competition in the process of mate selection between men and women, we must admit that everyone has a value of choice in the mate selection market.
The value of this choice includes tangible parts, such as you think his family is good, very handsome, he feels that you are beautiful, these are tangible.
There are also intangible parts of the value of choice, such as our soul, our life, our parts that have nowhere to release, nowhere to tell.
The value matching of these intangible parts sometimes makes many people feel strange.
Maybe you'll see a great man who picks a woman who sucks in you, and that's because there may be some great value in that woman that you don't see.
Value is complex, and value is something that only the parties can directly feel. Because there is a lot of value, it can only be seen in the details of life after returning home.
For example, a reassurance when you are very tired; an understanding and support when you encounter major difficulties; a firmness when you are misunderstood by everyone...
There are too many such intangible things, and these invisible things, these parts of the soul cannot be seen by other people, only in intimate relationships.
Maybe a woman is beautiful, but a look of contempt in her can instantly make her lose all attraction in the eyes of this man.
The value of people, I think it is difficult to describe no matter how many words are spent, but in short, it has an intangible part and a tangible part, and these two parts add up to your value in the mate selection market.
This value divided by your need for him equals your position in the pattern.
If your value is high, but the demand is also very, very large, it is possible that you are still at a low level in this pattern.
Only when your needs match each other's needs and the value is large enough, this pattern is evenly matched. In other words, when you can match his values and needs, your pattern is stable.
In fact, you have to find him again, this so-called "family gap" and "emotional intelligence problem", just a different aspect of this value.
At this level of value, you have already lost. Then you have to go head-on, find a way to change, and improve yourself.
Fortunately, you live in this wonderful era, and the value gap is still a part that can be filled through hard work. And you'll meet lots and lots of great men in your life. So in fact, you still have a chance, bless you!
Author Nannan, focus on the field of emotions to create and share, with emotions to communicate with you and my soul, but I hope you and I know each other here, like please pay attention to me.