Hello, hello everyone, here is the South South really material, I am south South. Pay attention to me to learn more emotional stories, let every heart that needs warmth be comforted, I hope that everyone can get a moment of relaxation and ease here, and better face the emotional life.
Recently, I have received many cases related to being at home every day during the epidemic.
Because these days of getting along day and night, many couples have more or less contradictions, and even make couples doubt whether they have chosen the right person.
So there are many people on the Internet looking for various psychological tests to test intimate relationships to determine whether they have chosen the right person. Xiao Juan (pseudonym) is one of them.
Xiaojuan is a friend I haven't been in touch with for many years, and last week she suddenly called me to ask for warmth, chatted a few times, and then entered the topic.
It turned out that she had lived with her boyfriend for two months during the epidemic and felt that this man did not look like she thought. Now that she was getting engaged, she began to feel the urge to break up.
She realized her entanglement, so she took psychological tests from various websites, and then she was still unsure, so she came to me for answers.
"I've done a lot of test questions, including test questions on so-and-so's website, and we don't belong to emotional love now, everyone knows the bottom line, he should be the right person."
But during this time with him day and night, I found that he had many shortcomings that I could not stand, such as saying that he did not know how to do housework at all, and played games with his mobile phone every day. Their company is also currently affected by the epidemic, he gives me all kinds of complaints every day, what can I do...
Then there's the question of getting married, buying a house, feeling that this man is not responsible... Fang Yan, you use a professional perspective to help me analyze and analyze what kind of person he really is, and whether I want to marry him or not.
You use a professional point of view to help me analyze and analyze what kind of person he really is. ”
I've heard that countless times. It seems that everyone feels that psychology has the magic of being able to read the nature of others and predict the future of that person.
In fact, psychology is not so godly. Psychological speculation is based on realistic induction, the scale of psychological assessment also varies from person to person, we will use the test results as a reference basis, but do not fully believe the test results.
The counselor is more like a mirror, he takes you to see more details that you have overlooked, and accompanies you to discuss ways to solve problems.
The counseling room is like a safe house, where you can express your truest inner demands. To answer a question similar to Xiao Juan's, the key is what the appeal of the heart desires. Today we will explore it in depth.
01
What is right and wrong?
The invention of the word right or wrong will give people a great misunderstanding, people always hope that their choice will always be right, because only the right will make them feel at ease.
But when we think about it deeply, we find that the standard of right and wrong is actually problematic.
If a girl thinks it's right to marry someone who has money, then try to find someone rich.
If a girl feels it's right to marry someone who can accompany her, then go find someone who is willing to accompany you.
The standards of right and wrong for different people are different, and the right and wrong here actually reflect your inner needs.
02
What is a requirement?
In the real world, once you enter a relationship, you will encounter a problem, that is, you meet a rich person, and you will hope that he will have more time to accompany you; you meet a person who is willing to accompany you, and you also hope that he will be richer.
Of course, this is only a small example, and people's desire for the real need is much more complicated than this. This is also the reason why so many girls have serious entanglements in their hearts before they get married after falling in love, so here we will think about this problem first.
Sit back and think about what your inner needs are.
I hope he is self-motivated, can care about me, sunny, humorous will take care of people, can help me share the housework, when there is something to discuss with me, this family is the two of us, we want to be equal to each other and so on.
If you are given time to think, everyone can think a lot, and then go to real life to see the one sitting next to you, and you will still have a tangle in your heart.
Here I offer you a little meditation exercise.
First calm down, lie alone in bed, close your eyes, listen to light music, let your brain appear five years later, think about what you want life to look like in five years.
What does the one next to you look like?
Make the images in your mind gradually clear until they are very clear and dynamic, and when there is a dynamic picture, write down how you felt at that time.
When the picture in your mind disappears and your inner feelings are still there, seize the time to take out the mobile phone or notebook next to you to record it.
Whether it is five or ten records written down. Then first remove one of the feelings that you don't care about the least, and then remove the feelings that you don't care about in the rest, and then proceed in turn.
Keep deleting until there are three left, then these three feelings are the most real needs in your heart. Take these three needs to look at the one next to you now, as long as he meets these three needs, other small problems can be slowly adjusted.
03
What is marriage?
Having heard the phrase that I find very reasonable, say "Marriage is to make two people's lives better for each other." If after marriage either partner's life becomes worse than when they are single, then why get married? ”
In this way, marriage seems to be a fusion of the values of two independent individuals, and each meets the needs of the other.
Of course, this value is not innate, but needs to be continuously grown and developed. Everyone must have the ability not only to receive love, but also to love others.
Fromm once said that if you don't work hard to develop your whole personality, if you don't have the ability to love others, then every attempt to love will lead to failure.
If you want others to meet your own needs, you need to have the ability to meet each other's needs.
Recently, there is a TV series "An Jia" that is relatively popular, showing the world through the ordinary perspective of housing agents.
There is a Zhu Shanshan who wants to marry a rich man through his beauty, but if you are really a rich person with a successful career, will you really choose her as your wife?
Everyone may also laugh and treat her as a mascot, because Zhu Shanshan cannot meet the needs of a successful person for his wife.
All successful men want their wives to be a virtuous helper, not a stupid girl who can't even sell a house and daydreams all day.
Knowing the needs you want, the next step is to improve yourself so that you can also meet the needs of excellent partners.
04
What is a happy family?
A happy family is not two people without any quarrels. Both husband and wife come from different original families, so conflict is inevitable.
If the relationship between two people is like lubricating oil, without any friction, then the two people will never reach each other's depths. Such marriages can only be maintained on the surface.
It looks glamorous on the face, but from the inside, this marriage is not happy.
There will be conflicts in the family, there is no terrible conflict, in fact, every time there is a conflict and problem is an opportunity for two people to know each other better, and it is also an opportunity to make the feelings more solid.
We must believe that the more we run into, the more comfortable we are to get along with, and the farther our feelings can go.
This epidemic has provided us with time for two people to spend together day and night, and in these times we have exposed the problems of getting along with each other, so the problem is solved, and the relationship is not better? You tell me?
When we think clearly about our needs, let's solve the problem.
Author Nannan, focus on the field of emotions to create and share, with emotions to communicate with you and my soul, but I hope you and I know each other here, like please pay attention to me.