In The Art of Love, the psychologist Fromm points out:
The question of love is not a question of the object, but of ability.
If a person does not have the ability to love, he cannot receive true love and have true happiness.
For example, a third party who likes to meddle in another person's marriage.
Moreover, these third parties often feel justified and arrogant, and they also feel that they are the weaker party.
Psychologically speaking, behind every behavior, there is an internal cause.
So, what is the mentality of those who are willing to be a third party? Listen to one of the commentaries on psychology.
One
There was a girl who sent me a long letter telling me about her pain.
Strictly speaking, this girl is not only a knowing three, but also a habitual three, in her own words, only in those men who are older than her, she can find attachment, in order to find psychological satisfaction.
And seeing the man's wife in pain, although she will also feel a little guilty, but in her heart, there is more of a faint pleasure, feeling that she has defeated a woman.
The girl's childhood was very unfortunate, although the handsome father was very capable, but he worked in the field and cheated all the year round. The mother's income is not high, her temper is hot, and she often quarrels with her father because of her father's affairs. Every day when a father comes home is a day when parents quarrel.
What hurt this girl even more was that because she looked like her father, she also became the object of her mother's anger, but after beating and scolding her, her mother would hug her and cry again.
Living in such a torn family since she was a child, this girl's personality has become very torn.
She hated her father's irresponsibility, but she desperately longed for his care, especially when she was the object of her mother's venting, and she hoped that his father would appear immediately and protect her under his wings.
Emotionally, the girl sympathizes with her mother, but in her heart she hates her more bitterly, hates her mother for not being self-reliant, and hates her mother for using herself as a punching bag.
A girl, if she doesn't feel any fatherly love, will spend the rest of her life filling it.
A girl who does not receive love and security from her mother, but only resentment and anger, will become an adult and hope that she will be a savior, but she will also end up being a perpetrator.
Two
There is a saying that says:
A happy childhood heals a lifetime, and an unhappy childhood heals a lifetime.
It's just right for this girl.
Growing up in this incomparably tangled and torn relationship, as an adult, this girl became very different from girls of the same age.
She only likes men who are much older than her and feels that only they can give her real love. And men of her age, she always felt that the other party was very naïve and completely uninterested.
This is a man much older than him, basically a married man, but she doesn't mind at all. She feels that as long as her life is in her own hands, she must fight for it directly if she wants it.
When a man's family jumps because of her presence, she occasionally feels guilty, but more of a sense of presence and worth, she feels that she is good enough to defeat a worthless woman.
When she was sensible, she knew that her behavior was not out of love, but to fill the needs of her childhood and give herself a sense of existence.
But more often than not, she has a justifiably indifferent determination. She doesn't want to think about the future, she just wants to enjoy the moment.
Psychologist Sigmund Freud said that all behaviors are manifestations of the subconscious, when a person has been traumatized in childhood, the basic psychological needs for love and security are not met, after adulthood, they will change a vest, in the posture of a third party, intervene in the emotions of others, to make up for their own childhood shortcomings.
Because they were snubbed, left, and betrayed by their relatives when they were children, when they became adults, they would throw all their love and hatred into a gloomy triangle.
Writer Bi Shumin once said:
Some people live a very bleak life, not because there is no spring in their lives, but because of their gloomy state of mind, they have already quietly closed all the windows facing the spring.
All living beings are suffering, and the only way to cross is to cross themselves. The only one who can really save yourself is yourself.
No one can choose their parents, the damage of childhood has been done, and what we can do is to cultivate our present moment.