Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
Why is your child bullied so often? The reason is most likely hidden in the attitude of parents towards the incident
There was a mom who messaged me complaining:
My son's school uniform was deliberately sprinkled with ink sacs by his classmates at school, and I asked him to find a problem from himself, why was he so cowardly bullied, but he lost his temper at me angrily, is it still my mother who did something wrong?"
I didn't find out until I got deeper
It turned out that the son in this mother's mouth is usually well-behaved and obedient, and rarely loses his temper and talks back
The main reason for this tantrum was that the child came home to complain
He said to his mother: "I want to change seats, the classmates in the back are always bullying"
The mother believes that changing seats will not solve the fundamental problem, and he hopes that her son will be strong and grow a little more
So he said to the child:
"Why do people bully you? There must be a reason for that."
"Maybe you accidentally ran into someone"
"It could also be that you blocked your classmates and couldn't see the blackboard"
"Or are you talking badly about other students?"
The boy explained: "No, I don't"
Mom continued to question: "You didn't provoke others, why did people bully you?" Are you full of food? ”
In this way, the mother and son also had an unprecedented fierce quarrel, in order to prevent her son from continuing to lose his temper, all she could do was to order the child to shut up and threaten the child: "If you shout again, you will be thrown out of the door"
As a result, the boy was quiet, but the relationship between mother and son entered a freezing point
Every time he spoke, the child either retreated in fright, or hid in the room and did not dare to come out
I remember that education planner He Zhiqin once said: The most cruel education in psychology is to make children "afraid" of you
Lan Ma thinks that this sentence is particularly appropriate for today's theme
If a child doesn't even believe in his mother, where can he seek justice, and where can he have the confidence to protect his own rights and interests
Therefore, behind every child who is bullied, he has been "bullied" by his favorite parents, and he has no confidence to be trusted, and naturally he has no courage to protect himself
If you don't want your child to become such a weak person who is bullied, then parents should remember that they must not do the following things to their children:
01
oppugn
Don't believe what your child says
Colleague Xiaolin, hardworking and capable, is a spiritual guy who never drags his feet in doing things
But he has a fatal flaw: "sensitive and suspicious", "cold to everyone"
It is precisely because of this that he has been in the company for five or six years, and he has always been a loner
In private, colleagues also talked about it, and everyone felt that Xiaolin was unsociable, withdrawn and uncaring for others, and a little arrogant
In fact, this guy is not what everyone says he is
He doesn't like to have dinner or chat, mainly because of social fear and inferiority complex, rather than sitting together and being embarrassed, it is better to hide in the room and enjoy the silence after getting home from work
And the reason why the guy has such a psychology is mainly due to a psychological shadow in his childhood
When I was in middle school, there was a bully in the class who liked to bully people, and he was looking for people who didn't like to talk to make trouble
Xiao Lin was teased and ridiculed several times because of his shy personality and didn't like to cause trouble, and once when he was cleaning, he was stopped by several bullies in the class to wipe the floor, and those people were like overseers who kept commanding from the side
If you are not satisfied at all, you will be taken out to vent your anger, and you will even be forced to drink dirty water that mops the floor...
Xiao Lin was aggrieved and scared, so he told his mother about it when he got home, but his mother didn't make the decision for him
Instead, he asked him with questioning eyes: "Did you get into trouble at school?" Why else would your classmates do that?"
Kobayashi replied anxiously, "No, I didn't do anything"
Mom still didn't believe it, and insisted: "I only believe that there is a cause and there must be an effect, and there must be a reason for people to do that."
Xiao Lin, who still had tears in his eyes, lowered his head weakly when he heard this, he knew that no matter how much he said, it would not help: because his mother didn't believe him at all
That is, after that day, Xiao Lin became depressed, didn't like to talk, and looked cold to everyone
Perhaps, his mother never knew that the former sentence "there is a cause and there must be an effect" was not to cause something or cause trouble, but that the distrust at the beginning made people lose their confidence
If a child is submissive and cautious at home, then he will only let people eat when he goes outside, and he looks like a bully, and he is also cautious and cautious who has been "bullied" from home
Therefore, to love a child is to believe in him
No matter what happens or what the child does, what we can do is to listen carefully to what the child has to say, and this listening is our respect and trust for the child
With the foreshadowing in mind, ask one more question, "What do you think" and "What do you need me to do?", and the matter is really responded to here
02
打击
I like to hold on to my shortcomings
The relatives have an 11-year-old daughter, who has excellent grades since she was a child, and she is also the class president who is voted for by the group in the class
But this squad leader only served for a week and quit
What's going on? It turns out that the girl's personality is gentle, and she can't deter those naughty children at school
On her first day as class leader, several bullies in the class openly provoked, mocking her for being ugly and too thin, and it seemed that she would fall down as soon as the wind blew
This made the girl feel very aggrieved, and when she got home, she complained to her mother, hoping that her mother could comfort her wounded heart
But when my mother heard those ridiculed voices, instead of getting angry, she poured cold water on her and said:
"People are telling the truth, look at you, the really thin wind blows and falls, ugly is ugly, anyway, we don't rely on our appearance to eat"
Such words seem to be comforting, but in fact, they are stabbing the child's heart, and the fluttering sentence "I don't rely on my appearance to eat" seems to have also made the girl experience a second appearance injury
Another time, she felt isolated by her best friend and complained about it to her mother when she got home
But instead of comforting, my mother continued to attack and said: "You can't even get your homework, you say, what's the use of the teacher choosing you as the class leader"
The girl explained:
"I don't know how to provoke her, although she is my best friend, she can find trouble for me everywhere, she doesn't hand in her homework when she collects it, she doesn't answer it when she sends her homework, and even when I manage the discipline of other classmates, she deliberately runs out to oppose me, she will definitely affect other students, and everyone will think that I am the class leader in name only."
Having said this, the mother still felt that the girl was ignorant, and said in a reproachful tone: "The cadres on duty should be more generous, you are not suitable to be a squad leader at all."
So, unable to stand the blows from both the school and the family, she went to the school the next day to "resign" the teacher from the position of class leader
In fact, when a child encounters a problem, he or she goes home and tells his parents that the most important thing he needs is comfort and encouragement
If the most trusted parents are not comforted and recognized, but are hit by their shortcomings, then where do they have the confidence to continue to walk their own path
Therefore, the most cruel education in psychology is to make children "afraid" of you, this sentence is not groundless
Especially those parents who often hold on to their children's shortcomings, in the end, they are not sensible and obedient, but afraid of the estrangement behind them and the destruction of self-confidence
03
compare
The best is always someone else
Mourning is greater than dying, and some children's "fear" is that they can't see hope at all
My cousin, who went to college, knew a friend who took him home and took him in for a week last year because he had nowhere to go
From the outside, the boy is full of youth and vitality like his cousin, but he has emphasized his inferiority complex and insecurity more than once
Especially during the meal, he timidly waited for everyone to sit down, and his cousin and family advised him: "There is no need to be so restrained, treat this as your own home, relax and don't put so much pressure"
But no matter how everyone comforted and guided, this boy was always so restrained, and he was careful in what he did, for fear of causing trouble for others
Once, my cousin told me that the boy wanted to find a job during the holidays, and he wanted us friends and relatives to help us find out if there were any short-term jobs
At that time, I also praised the boy for being sensible, and he wanted to find a job to earn money before he graduated
Unexpectedly, the boy told me: "Looking for a job is just to prove yourself, not to eat and drink for nothing at home"
It turned out that the boy's mother was stricter, and she liked to compare other people's children from childhood to adulthood
No matter how hard her children work and how good they are, she reminds:
"Don't be too happy, there are a lot of people who are better than you, Aunt Liu's son, the first in the class in the exam every year, Uncle Wang's daughter, proficient in piano, chess, calligraphy and painting, and your uncle's cousin, who graduated from a prestigious school and now has a monthly salary of tens of thousands, but it's out of the ordinary."
Reading between the lines, all of them highlight how good other people's children are
Under this comparison, the once optimistic and cheerful boy became depressed, eager to prove himself, and afraid to go back to face his mother's criticism, nagging, and comparison, so he was depressed and homeless
After learning about this, I suddenly felt very sorry for the boy
Maybe the mother's original intention is to hope that the boy will be down-to-earth, not arrogant and lose his hard work and vitality, but self-confidence is also the beginning of everything
Once the child thinks, "I'm not good enough", "I'm not as good as others...", then even if he tries very hard, he will not be able to devote himself wholeheartedly because of too many concerns, too many sensitivities, and even not enough confidence
In the end, it was not that there was not enough effort and not much effort to be defeated, but that people felt suffocated by too high expectations and not enough confidence
Therefore, after every child is bullied, what they need more than the incident itself is the trust, encouragement, and maintenance from their parents
If the child doesn't even have the arm to rely on, who can he rely on?
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions about the fact that the most cruel education in psychology is to make children "afraid" of you? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!