In the middle of the night, I was woken up by a WeChat message from a friend, picked up my phone and looked at the latest news on the lock screen, which read:
"You should also fall in love and feel the joy of being in love."
I was quite happy, thinking that this person finally found out in good conscience that he wanted to introduce me to the object, but when I opened WeChat and pulled up, I found that this person had just taken off the list, sent me a bunch of photos of himself and the object, and sighed a lot of some and nothing.
Okay, I didn't see the phone thrown at the end of the bed, but the more I thought about it, the more angry I was, and I didn't fall asleep until three o'clock that day.
Show affection, really won't divide quickly
Obviously, I am loved by Xiu, although my friend may not realize that he is "showing", but just out of an uncontrollable desire to express himself, wanting to share the joy of love, I really can't help but scold in my heart "show affection, divide quickly".
The corresponding concept of show affection in English is Public Display of Affection, which literally translates as public affection, which refers to the phenomenon of individuals showing their feelings with couples in front of other people, often accompanied by intimate actions, such as intimate conversations in public, hugging and even kissing.
Not so direct, but turning a corner to show that the two have a good relationship, is also a kind of fancy show of affection, just like parents spit and complain about each other, but inadvertently prepare daily utensils according to each other's preferences, this tacit understanding can also make others feel that they are being shown.
With the development of social media, social networks have shown affection, such as sending hand-holding photos of two people going out in the circle of friends, replacing avatars with group photos or couple avatars, etc., and some researchers have summarized the various forms of social network show affection:
A variety of show affection[1]
No matter what kind of show affection, the mood is often not too good for the person being shown. Feelings such as annoyance, depression, jealousy, and sadness are often mixed together, and this extensive emotional response makes "show affection, divide quickly" a secret consensus and a small curse.
But what will disappoint everyone is that "show affection, divide quickly" is more like wishful thinking from bystanders. There is little statistical evidence to support that showing affection really breaks up quickly, and even some studies will tell you that showing affection makes relationships stronger.
One study found that people who swapped their profile pictures for photos on Facebook were more satisfied with their relationships and closer to their partners, while follow-up studies showed that people were more likely to share relationship-related information on Facebook on days when they were more satisfied with their relationship[2].
Isn't this still a show of affection
Another study of 212 American college students showed that showing affection messages on Facebook increased the likelihood that two people would still be together six months later by increasing the sense of commitment to the relationship.[3]
If the other party is really a pair, the qin is in tune, and the life is good, we should be happy for each other, but why are people generally so disgusted with Xiu's love?
To think about why show affection is so annoying, we can start with those who are not annoying show affection.
Showing affection that promises more than show-off is not annoying
Those who release their circle of friends such as marriage certificates, wedding photos, anniversary gifts, etc., there are not so many people who are disgusted, and everyone will be happy to give them likes, sending a lot of "blessings", "congratulations", "too sweet" comments in the comment area.
And when the frequency of a person's show of affection is too high, and the content of the show is too heavy in love filter, everyone may dislike it to silently block each other, and the extreme of this kind of show of affection is wife literature.
The difference between the two is whether the love displayed in the circle of friends is a healthy and fulfilling love, or an obsessive love just to show off.
Sternberg's love triangle theory believes that perfect love is composed of three parts: passion, intimacy and commitment, and when a person sends a photo of his partner and a small essay for the anniversary, he is actually making a public commitment, which will reassure the partner and the audience will have emotional resonance.
But this public commitment can also be seen as a social display, and like food, assets, and lifestyle, "love" is a resource for show-off, giving exhibitors an edge in comparison with each other [4].
Treating the content of showing affection as a promise or a show-off, seemingly depends on the audience's thoughts, but in fact, it also reflects the mentality of the presenter, of course, people have the power to show off, but the audience also has the power to hate, sometimes it is really not the fault of the audience's jealousy.
It is the show of affection that triggers social comparisons that annoys
Another kind of show affection that is not easy to annoy is CP's show affection when CP is snorted. Whether it is a real CP or a paper CP, as long as you can give out sugar, you can happily twist around in bed.
Before the emergence of CP culture, the show of love in virtual works was rarely crusaded, just like Guo Jing and Huang Rong, the bridge of show love grabbed a handful, but almost no one hated them.
It is even a benchmark for fate prediction Zhihu @lost
It is easy for people to forgive virtual show affection, but it is difficult to forgive real life show affection because the real life show affection is too close to their own lives, and it is easy to make people social comparisons [5].
People's judgment of social characteristics such as their ability and status is often obtained not based on objective criteria, but through comparison with others around them, which is social comparison. As Marx said[6]:
No matter how small a house is, when the surrounding houses are so small, it can meet all the requirements of society for housing. However, once a palace was erected near the small house, the small house shrunk into a hut.
And the objects that people use to compare are often people who are similar to themselves, and this similarity includes similarities in gender, effort, experience, age, etc. [7], so the lethality of parents showing affection is far less lethal than that of classmates showing affection.
People who show affection on social media are very similar to us, and are easily used as objects of social comparison, and passively accepting the message of "showing affection" will cause negative social comparison, thinking that they are happier than their own lives, triggering individual jealousy, which in turn leads to a decline in subjective well-being [5].
Show affection is not divided quickly, and I am hurt again,
What to do?
It's like observational learning
Since there is no way to refuse, that person can't suffer from being loved by Xiu in vain, and he must always take some benefits. From another perspective, show affection behavior can actually be a case of couples reasonably handling romantic relationships, and being shown affection is people's observation of another state of life.
For excellent show of affection models, we can use them as learning materials, good copywriting, good rituals to learn, good gift collections, the next time you use an object, you have to learn more if you don't have an object, otherwise you may not find the object.
It's an opportunity for reflection
Being shown affection can also help us remind ourselves of our emotional state, and if stung by the results of social comparison, then think about it:
Is it that other people's relationships are sweet and sweet, and our relationship is lukewarm?
Have you always longed for love, but you dare not take a step?
Did I think too perfectly about others, but ignore the beautiful moments of getting along with that TA in my daily life?
Of course, there are also studies that say that Valentine's Day has a higher breakup rate [8], which cannot be ruled out as a result of people constantly reflecting on themselves after being shown affection these days ha...
Try to be aware and accept your emotions...
Envy, envy and jealousy are normal emotional experiences that are born as human beings.
The next time they reappear, we can try to feel the emotions we were aware of at that time, and then try to accept our feelings - this is the acceptance strategy of emotional regulation.
Acceptance strategies, which emphasize an open, accepting attitude toward emotions and feelings, without trying to change them, can effectively improve people's emotional state, reduce avoidance behavior, and improve interpersonal relationships [9].
The serious words of a psychologist are over.
I understand that this is easier said than done, and it takes a long time of practice and understanding with the support of professionals, and it will soon be the high incidence period of show affection, is there a strategy that can take effect immediately?
Of course there is, that is:
Don't look at the most worry-free, lie flat the most invincible, come, try it!
Source: Giphy
bibliography
[1] ZHANG Wenyi. (2014). Image Communication and Intimate Relationships: A Study of Social Network Show Affection Rituals (Master's Thesis, Fudan University).
[2] Saslow, L. R., Muise, A., Impett, E. A., & Dubin, M. (2013). Can you see how happy we are? Facebook images and relationship satisfaction. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 4(4), 411-418.
[3] Toma， C. L.， & Choi， M. (2015). The Couple Who Facebooks Together， Stays Together: Facebook Self-Presentation and Relationship Longevity Among College-Aged Dating Couples. Cyberpsychology， behavior and social networking， 18(7)， 367–372.
[4] Cai Yuheng. (2017). Research on the relationship between love and jealousy in the context of social networks (Master's thesis, Shanghai Jiao Tong University).
[5] GUO Jinjin, NIU Lu, XIE Xiaochun, WANG Pengcheng & LEI Lei. (2020). The relationship between online "show affection" and bystanders' subjective well-being: the mediating role of self-esteem and the moderating role of attachment. Psychological Development and Education (03), 359-366.
[6] Jiang Chang et al. Axiology and Ethics Research (2015 Vol.)[M] . Social Science Academic Press, 2016: 204
[7] XING Shufen, YU Guoliang. (2005). Current status and development trend of comparative social research. Advances in Psychological Science, 13(1), 78-84.
[8] Morse, K. A., & Neuberg, S. L. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine's Day. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 509-527.
[9] MAO Jixuan. (2021). Regulation of negative emotions and aggressive behavior in situations of social exclusion by receptive strategies (Master's thesis, Southwest University).
Author: Plum syrup
Edited by Emeria, odette