This article originated from | Yibai
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The author | Mao Mao
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Why is reconciliation as easy as ever?
summer
1
To put it simply, reconciliation is easy because you can't put it down, as long as you love it deeply, you can't put it down. And if it is difficult at the beginning, it is because the breakup shows that there is a problem with the feelings of the two people, the emotional problem is not solved, and there is naturally no way to be as good as before after reconciliation.
Some people may think that the initial difficulty is because two people have emotions in their hearts, and it is difficult to break the mirror. But this is a misunderstanding of feelings.
A relationship breaks down, and there is a deep logic behind it: the mode of getting along is not healthy, the needs of each other are not met in the relationship, there is a problem with the respective attachment pattern, and so on.
That is, a relationship from falling in love to breaking up is driven by certain reasons. If this problem is not solved, it is bound to break up again. This is also the reason why many people break up again after getting back together, they just fall in love, get back together because they can't let go, and don't solve the real problems in the relationship.
Let me give you an example. For example, if you break up with your partner, you feel that he does not respond when he encounters problems, always avoids, and he does not take care of your feelings. And he broke up with you because he felt that you always wanted him to respond, always pushing him, and if he didn't respond you would be very anxious, suffer from loss and loss, and lose his temper.
Such a breakup is essentially a problem of avoidant attachment and anxious attachment, two people may have feelings and be together again, but if the attachment pattern does not change, it is inevitable to break up again.
The things in the relationship, not what we want, can make the feeling develop according to our expectations.
It requires us to improve ourselves, we need to really understand the strategy of emotional management, see the real problems of feelings, and actively change in order to achieve happiness.
To Mom .
Can you still be friends after a couple breaks up?
summer
2
There are three reasons why there are still expectations of being friends.
1, you are really relieved of each other, there are very pleasant feelings in the process of getting along, but the underlying kernel is not satisfied, and the two people are not suitable.
This inadequacy is often due to the fact that two people are very similar. Can understand what the other person desires, but there is no attraction caused by differentiation, so the previous mode of getting along between two people has been similar to the role of friends, rather than getting along in the mode of partner.
In this case, there is no problem in being friends. Because you become friends, you are continuing the previous mode of getting along, but you have found a more suitable identity, no longer as a lover.
2. One of you owes a debt to the other and wants to compensate the other as a friend.
In this case, it is not suitable to be friends. Because the party who wants to be friends, the real motivation is guilt, maybe there is a partner, and the other party may not let go, and the departing party has also caused harm to the other party.
After the breakup, the friendship relationship continues, which is actually a blurring of the sense of boundaries. Do not know their sense of boundaries, do not take the initiative to cut off the relationship, want to play the role of "good old man", do not want to be ashamed. But the real responsibility for each other is that both people have their own future and each gets happy, rather than continuing to break the connection.
3, still love each other, so want to approach each other in the name of friends.
This kind of situation is still unable to put down, still deeply in love with each other, but afraid of the other party's refusal, so retreat to the second, in the name of friends do not disappear in the other's world, while allowing themselves to still have a fantasy.
But you will be miserable and will not achieve your goal. Lovers are lovers, not only to have the identity of lovers, but also to each other's future, so if you can't put it down, what you need to do is to find the problems in the previous relationship, repair the feelings, let him be attracted to you again, and get back to good.
I've met a lot of people who want to be friends after a breakup, and most of them are in the third situation: can't put it down, and expect it, and are eager to get back together, but don't have the courage to fix the relationship.
If you really can't put it down, repair the relationship, find the core problem of the breakup to solve, when you have the courage to repair the relationship, find the right way, will make you have the possibility of getting back together.
To Mom .
Can lovers still be friends when they break up?
summer
3
I think no. Some acquaintances seem to be deliberate arrangements in the dark, but they are not destined people. Although the encounter is very beautiful and romantic, although the story of love is very touching, but once the road is strange, it seems that they can only be safe.
From strange to familiar, from familiar to dependent, from dependence to disgust, after that can only be different and wide. Looking at it more, there will be longing, more places, more compassion, and how can it be willing to be an ordinary friend.
Some people may say that a peaceful breakup can be another friend. I never agreed. Love must be because of the throbbing or touching in the heart, it must be because of attraction or dependence, and this feeling and friendship are very different. So being a friend scorer may not be love from the start.
Therefore, cherish the fate of the moment, cherish the throbbing of each other's hearts. Not every heartbeat can meet the right person, nor can you forget that person every time your heart is like water. Some people, from the moment they know each other, are destined to either fall in love for a lifetime or a stranger.
To Mom .
If you have really loved, you can't be friends after breaking up. If you are still friends after the breakup, it is easy for one party to walk out of this relationship, because the other party has been lingering in your life, and you will always follow his (her) traces.
In fact, it is most appropriate to be the most familiar stranger after the breakup, not to disturb, not to involve, not to be nostalgic, not to denigrate. This is the end of a good relationship. Maybe you will miss those good times, maybe you will suddenly fall into a trance in some familiar place, but only then, the past will eventually pass. Look forward, don't look back, don't take it.