I remember when I was a kid, there was a boy in the same kindergarten who was the child of my mom's co-worker. When I was in middle class, I was diagnosed with ADHD, but apart from not following the discipline in the classroom, there was no difference with other children.
By the time I was in the upper grades of elementary school, I often saw him in the streets and alleys, and by this time, he was already like a man named Hanako, his hair and clothes were dirty, crazy and stupid.
He often followed a grandmother who picked up garbage to help, and sometimes helped the big lady who sold fruit to see the stall for a while, and the big lady would give him a few oranges or apples afterwards.
My mother told me that the boy's parents were divorced, his mother went to work in other places, and his father married a new wife, because no one cared, the boy had already dropped out of school, and the illness was more serious. Therefore, if he runs home by himself, he will eat and change into clean clothes, and if he does not come home, no one will come out to look for him.
After his parents divorced, he was a wild child that no one wanted. Therefore, when I was a child, I had a deep fear of my parents' divorce.
I often wonder if adults no longer love this child after divorce, and whether as long as they have a stepmother, they will definitely have a "stepfather".
As a counselor, I now often encounter clients who come to talk about divorce, and most women think about children the most.
For divorce, women will encounter not only changes in their future lives, the pressure of social opinion, confusion about the future, but also guilt for their children.
Many mothers will worry about their children's lack of love, worry that their children will have psychological defects, and even single mothers are counterproductive due to excessive compensation for their children. So this time I want to share with you a few questions that you should think about for your children after divorce.
01
What is the biggest fear of divorce?
Psychologist Fromm said:
"For children, the tense and unpleasant atmosphere in the family can be more harmful than a public breakup." Because at least the latter can make children understand that people can make brave decisions and end intolerable living conditions. ”
However, it is undeniable that divorce is bound to cause some harm to children, the most common of which are five:
1) Discrimination and lack of self-confidence brought about by "others think your family is incomplete".
Traditionally, a normal family has to have a couple and children.
A single-parent family, or a Dink family, is not a complete family, and such a family is abnormal in the eyes of everyone, that is, the weak, so there will be discrimination.
2) The fear of being abandoned by one of the parents.
Like the "tragic deeds" of the boy from the divorced family I mentioned earlier, it seems that if the divorce is made, the child will become a father who does not love the mother.
3) Sandwiched in the middle, become "two-faced".
After divorce, it is not the divorce itself that makes the child lack love, but the parents who have a vendetta after divorce, and the child who is close to the other party will feel that he has betrayed the guardian.
4) Many mothers will over-compensate their children after divorce due to their pain for their children, which will affect the normal development of their children.
If the mother is too doting on the child, there is no need to wait until the child grows up to enter the society, even in a small social unit such as the campus, there will be many problems.
Fortunately, these injuries are not impossible to improve. What really affects children is our attitude towards children, whether we can set a good example for children.
The biggest fear of divorce is that our love is not in place, we are not doing ourselves well, not the divorce itself.
02
How to positively affect children?
1) Be a good role model for your child
Discrimination due to parental divorce will change slowly with the times, and people will increasingly accept and respect a pluralistic lifestyle, but this requires a process. We may not be able to change the public opinion around us for the time being, but we can change the way we and our children think about this matter.
Third-rate mothers are nannies, second-rate mothers are coaches, and first-rate mothers are role models.
Compared with letting the heels of the shoes that do not fit the foot be drizzled with blood, it is necessary to suffer face to face; loving yourself and taking care of yourself is a good example for children.
So, your self-confidence is crucial, and there is no shame in getting to the step of divorce, not caused by you alone, and you are not failing. If you yourself feel inferior after divorce, how can the child lift his head?
So we can tell the child that Mom and Dad are just not suitable to separate, but you are no worse than other children.
2) Let the child correctly understand the divorce of the parents
For the divorce of parents, you can have a good talk with your child, so that your child understands that mom and dad can no longer live together because they are not suitable, but it is not your fault. You don't lose any party, and you can connect with anyone you want to see without hindrance.
Former U.S. President Barack Obama's mom, who is also a single mother, cleverly explained her parents' divorce to Obama: the three of them have three relationships — a relationship between dad and mom, a relationship between dad and son, a relationship between mom and son, and now it's just a dad and mom relationship, and mom and dad will still love him.
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3) Try to handle the relationship with your ex-husband as well as possible
Whoever gets custody of the child should not get into a fight with the child's father. It is necessary to negotiate and deal with the right of visitation, and do not co-opt the child because of resentment against the ex-husband, and alienate the relationship between the child and the father.
Many single mothers will say a lot of bad things about each other to their children in order for their children to understand themselves, be closer to themselves, or just to vent their emotions.
We must understand that if a child does not recognize his parents, he is actually denying himself, and the child's self-confidence comes from his parents.
Obama's father is actually a scumbag, and he has not even paid a penny of child support to his son, but Obama's mother often praises the merits of the child's father in front of Obama and tries her best to convey his father's love to Obama.
We may not be able to praise the child's father, but we can choose not to say bad things about him and not embarrass the child.
4) Be normal and not over-compensate the child
Compensating your child doesn't increase your child's self-confidence, it's just a way for moms to relieve their anxiety.
Compensating for the child's behavior is likely to spoil the child, or even only make the child feel that he is worse than other children.
There is no perfect original family in the world, keep a normal mind, relax, and the child can relax. If you feel that the child is pitiful, the child is more likely to be surrounded by a "sense of absence".
03
Do you want to get married again?
Whether to marry again or not has always been a problem for single mothers. When a mother always worries that the child will not accept it, worried that the child will be wronged. In fact, the most important thing about this problem is the boundary.
When Tianhou Wang Fei and Dou Wei just divorced, a reporter asked Faye Wang, "What kind of father are you going to find for Dou Qiantong?" Faye Wong said: "Tong Tong has her own father, and what I am looking for is my own partner." ”
We want our children to understand:
1) Even without this uncle, Mom and Dad would not remarry, so it was not the uncle who separated Mom and Dad.
2) Mom will also be vulnerable, in addition to you, Mom also needs a partner to take care of each other, you will grow up with your own small family, will not always accompany Mom.
3) This uncle is just Mom's partner and will not replace your own father, he will take care of us, but will not discipline you or interfere in your life.
4) Uncle will not rob your mother's love, you have to believe that your mother will not let you be wronged. Uncle also likes you, so we will live together in the future, you can treat uncle (including your partner's children) as a new friend to get along with, and if you don't like it, tell your mother.
In fact, although it is not easy to reorganize the family with children, it is not so difficult, and the first step is to negotiate and agree with the partner on the issue of economic sharing.
In addition, do not ask the child to regard his partner as a father, the stepfather can be just a new friend for the child.
The more you want your child to accept this strange man, the more repulsive the child will become. Because this stranger is suddenly going to become a very important person who is closely related to his own life, such a thing is too serious, and everyone is under pressure.
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After divorce, it is necessary to re-evaluate the marriage.
After divorce, if the custodial father or mother does not grow up, their own problems may be more focused on the child.
For example, a wife who is too controlled in an intimate relationship and gets custody of her children after divorce, this excessive dependence on excessive control will all be projected onto the children.
Can't swim, it's useless to change the pool, because you are afraid to give up swimming, it is not advisable.
Even if you can't go on choosing divorce, you must learn to reflect on it, all the relationships in the world are the projection of your relationship with yourself, and don't continue to bring the problems in the previous marriage to the parent-child relationship.
Many single mothers who have no self and desire to be needed will be overly close to their children. I have encountered cases of visitors insisting on marrying their mothers, loving and killing their mothers, and excessive entanglement, and families where mother and son depend on each other are also highly prolific "mother and baby men".
If we have custody of our children, we must be careful not to use our children as our emotional sustenance or hope in life.
Everyone has their own homework, children are not the whole of your life, children give us the experience of parenthood, give us the opportunity to grow up again with our children.
Friends often ask me, "The child is too young to understand what to do with divorce", and there is a story about a child named Xiaodouding who understands the divorce of his parents with the help of a new friend.
In the story, Xiao Dou Ding met a small flying fish with wings, and Xiao Dou Ding took Xiao Dou Ding to meet the bird father who lived in the forest and the fish mother who lived in the water, so that Xiao Dou Ding understood that the parents were suitable for their own worlds, so they would be happy to be separated, although the parents did not live together, but the parents' love for him would not change.