It is not difficult to find a reality of life, that is, couples who are very loving before marriage, and the small two who have a particularly sweet life at the beginning, the husband and wife will gradually become estranged, and the relationship is also unusually discordant.
The old people often say: No complaint is not a husband and wife, no hatred is not a father and son; loving husband and wife are not the head; quarrelling for a lifetime, this is the normal state of ordinary husband and wife relationship.
Indeed, even the most loving couples have 100 thoughts of divorce and 50 moments of wanting to strangle each other in their lives, because even if you find that lover no matter how good it is, there will always be times in life when you are angry to the point of suffocation.
Eventually, the marriage changed from a beautiful Garden of Eden to a prison cell trapping two people, and the husband and wife also experienced mutual attrition and torture endlessly in this place called home.
Some people think that it is the norm for two people to be together for a long time, and the husband and wife have become the inevitable result of family affection, but in fact, under the appearance of weak feelings, hidden problems are the root causes of distance.
Always trying to change or even control each other
Couples will unconsciously want to transform and even control each other, because we all want a partner of our own ideal when choosing a mate.
When in love, the other party is the dream lover in their own eyes, Prince Charming, perfect or all-powerful, with the passage of time, the most real side of people will gradually emerge, and when the fictional people in our fantasies coincide with reality, there will be uneasiness and rejection.
And we people will have anxiety and uneasiness about things that are uncontrollable and unattainable, so we will incorporate it into the security state in our own way, which also forms the way we want each other to transform the other party into what we want, so as to obtain a sense of security.
At the same time, people will also have childhood deficiencies and regrets, so we will unconsciously hope that the other party will fill the regrets. And when the other party cannot be satisfied, we will use various means to make the other party satisfied. However, this persecutory mode of communication will only make the other party gradually produce distance and dissatisfaction after a sense of oppression, and then the relationship will slowly become more bad and cold.
There is a line in "囧Mom" that is very classic:
"All along, we have always quarreled, but our starting point is love for each other, but this love is to hope that the other person will live as he wants, just like I did to you." 」 This six-day trip taught me that everyone is an individual and that every individual should be complete. Love is not control and taking, love is acceptance and respect. ”
What is respect? Respecting the other person is not simply not arguing with you. Then standing on the moral supremacy with a condescending attitude full of disdain and "tolerance", not coldly ignoring and ignoring everything about the lover.
Everyone's life and education environment is different, so there is no absolute same three views, we for each other's differences, if we continue to comment on our own position, and even emotionally attack, we will show our sharp edge, thus putting pressure on each other.
Therefore, what keeps the other party's heart away in the marriage relationship is not simply the purpose of one party's transformation, but the process of this behavior makes him (her) feel disrespected.
The fight between the tip of the needle and the malt, which lasts endlessly, is tired and tired, simply keep a distance, saying that everything is affection and does not need to be so close. To put it bluntly, the person has begun to resent and resist, and has to use distance and coldness to maintain the normal progress of the relationship.
Value matching is uneven and unfair
Any relationship is a process of value exchange, of course, it must also include marriage, when talking about love, there is naturally love and drink, but when it comes to getting married, it is necessary for two people to perform their duties and pay their own substantive value.
Everyone has a scale in their hearts, and the mismatch and unfairness of the value that individuals can pay are also the fundamental triggers for the discord between husband and wife.
Romain Rolland said: "In marriage, everyone has to give and at the same time take back something: this is the law of supply and demand." ”
Any effort needs a corresponding return, when it is impossible to give, the relationship will produce imbalance, in other words, when your value status can not match, it is necessary to let the lover get a sense of balance in other aspects, such as considerate, pandering or even submissive, but when this party is unwilling or unaware of doing badly, it will then produce more differences and contradictions.
This is also the root cause of the door-to-door pair, the difference is too large, the ability to pay is not equal, not simply not to look at each other, but also will make the other party owe themselves.
Where there is unprovoked indifference, family affection should be snuggled up to each other, and should not be regarded as air and called their own people. The root cause of marital discord lies in the irremediable and unchangeable chicken rib relationship, if not properly communicated and adjusted, can only pull the relationship farther away, so that each other's life is worse and more painful.