He Suohuan, a writer of sexual affective psychology, writes love stories, interesting strangers, and material knowledge.
What is "marital singleness"?
Living under the same roof, like strangers;
Obviously husband and wife, the relationship is like a roommate;
There is no love, no sex, no communication, only cold coping and perfunctory.
There is also an adjective for marital singleness, called "weekend couple".
-01
Characteristics of "marital singleness"
First: sexlessness and lovelessness
It has little to do with the length of marriage, time is only a factor that affects the relationship between two people.
Some couples, married for more than ten years, are still affectionate;
Some couples, after only a few years of marriage, expose all kinds of problems.
And the most direct state of opposition is lovelessness and sexlessness.
Disgust when you see each other, upset when you see each other;
You can sense that the love between you has disappeared, and facing each other, only cold, undisguised calm remains.
Second: Maintain your marriage while remaining single
There is no conflict between the two.
Simply put:
Although the two of you are husband and wife, you have obtained a marriage certificate, and the relationship is recognized in the legal sense.
But in your daily life, you are independent, do not disturb each other at all, each has its own circle, social, work and life.
It's just that this state occurs more in couples without children.
Because they don't have children, they don't have to force themselves to live with each other every day to take care of their children.
Of course, there are marriages that have children but live a single life.
That marital state is called "widowhood."
There is a saying on the Internet: "Obviously married, but living a single life." ”
Widowed marital status, generally:
Most of the time, only one person takes on the responsibility of caring for the children and running the family, while the other person is rarely involved.
Thirdly: there is nothing to say, too lazy to disguise
Another manifestation of marital singleness is:
"I had a showdown, I was too lazy to pretend, so you don't pretend either".
The two came home from work and had no desire to communicate with each other at all.
Even if the family sits together to eat, they don't bother to talk.
"Don't don't communicate."
It is better to chat with friends and strangers, share feelings and lives, than to say more to each other.
In the end, this state becomes "too lazy to disguise".
-02
Why does the state of "marital singleness" occur?
First: needs are always overlooked
A person's most basic needs are:
To be understood, respected, listened to, accepted; Material needs, emotional values.
In marriage, couples are not only husband and wife, but also the roles of friends, teammates, family, parents.
People who live together every day are prone to problems if they are always unwilling or always ignore each other's needs.
In a short period of time, it will not have too obvious an impact on the relationship.
But in the long run, the other party realizes that you always ignore his feelings, ignore his mood, do not give him any respect, and even bother to communicate with him.
Then, he will do the same with you.
Second: the contradiction was not resolved in time
In the process of getting along with husband and wife, the possibility of contradiction is too great, and there are too many reasons.
Chai, rice, oil, salt, sauce and vinegar tea, children, both parents, feelings, doubts, emotions and so on.
Each of them can be the cause of conflict between two people.
Once the contradiction was not resolved, a new contradiction began.
As a result, these small contradictions continue to accumulate, are pressed into each other's hearts, and when they reach a certain level, they will inevitably erupt.
What makes the couple's relationship break down is never a sudden problem, but an endless small conflict, which eventually becomes a big disappointment.
-03
How to change the status of "marital singleness"?
Many people have different views on the matter of being single in marriage.
It has been argued that:
If this is the case, then why the stalemate? If you can pass, you can pass, if you can't pass, you can leave.
It has also been argued that:
It's too tiring to get married, so let's make do with it, and talk about what day you can go.
The former is a "decisive person", sensing that marriage will have a great impact on themselves, they choose to stop losses in time.
But this kind of stop loss also needs to bear some costs.
For example: child custody, division of family assets, etc.
The latter are "compromisers".
Even if they know that marriage is likely to come to an end and will only be worse than this state in the future, they are still unwilling to take the initiative to solve the problem and change the status quo.
If you want to change the status of singleness in marriage, you can only start with the simplest things.
First: find problems and communicate problems.
This requires each other to restrain the boredom, anger and anxiety in their hearts, and only by maintaining temporary emotional stability can they solve problems with each other one by one.
Second: Participate together and enhance feelings.
Participate in family life and the education of children together, only by participating together can you feel that each other is "family".
Third: understanding, acceptance and respect.
At any time, do not amplify the contradictions between you.
You have to understand that you are husband and wife, and you should be the closest people.
If you can't solve the problem of the moment, even if you start a new relationship after the divorce, you will still be in the same predicament.
If marriage is a chessboard, then husband and wife are opponents in chess.
It's not that the board is too difficult, but two opponents, the level is too poor.
Today's Topic:
What do you think about "marital singleness"?
(Article with picture source network)