01
Letter from the reader: Hello Kaige, I am a girl from Shanxi. It will be twenty-nine years after the end of this year. But so far I have not found a suitable partner, and my family, including myself, are very anxious.
Because of the marriage event, I suffered day and night. The main thing is that in all these years, I haven't really been in a relationship, not because I don't want to, but because I have concerns.
As a child who grew up in a family of teachers (and I am also a teacher), I had very little contact with boys.
When I was a child, I was lively and cheerful and simple and cute, but as I grew older, I became more and more lonely and lonely.
Usually, in addition to work, after work, back to the empty house I rented, I became more and more sad, often unable to lift my spirits, and my heart was very desolate.
It's almost New Year's Eve, and recently I was diagnosed with moderate to mild depression by a doctor. I was saddened to hear this news, and I was a little scared.
Communication with my parents at home is not particularly smooth, from time to time shouting, they do not understand me, I have difficulty understanding them.
In these days, I am like a walking dead, without energy, without spirit, and completely lose the patience of the past.
I need help, I need someone to help me out of my predicament but I really don't know who to look for. Kaigo, can you help me?
02
Kai Zi replied: Hello girl, a 29-year-old girl has never been in love, as she grows older, she becomes more and more lonely, I don't know why you are in this state, have you ever thought about why you are lonely, why are you lonely? What are your inner concerns?
Maybe it has something to do with your past experiences.
Each of us grows up, in order to cope with painful experiences, the protective mechanism in our body is automatically activated, and in psychology, it is called the "defense mechanism".
Why do you come home after work and don't choose to play with friends or other recreational activities, because this defense mechanism formed within you is protecting you from having too much contact with the outside world.
And the reason why you have to avoid contact with the outside world is because in your subconscious, too much contact with the outside world will cause harm to yourself, of course, this stems from the fact that you are hurt by close people around you when you grow up.
This leads to the fact that deep down in your heart, intimacy brings not warmth and security, but hurt and blow.
Therefore, this protection affects the establishment of your intimate relationships with others, in other words, it is difficult for you to express your feelings and emotions.
So let's talk about what's going on here and how to adjust it.
1. Try to feel your inner emotions
In fact, not everyone can have a clear sense of their emotional needs, and I will give you an example.
When a girl came to me for counseling, she told me that her relationship with her husband was very bad, the two people had reached the point of divorce, and she knew the reason, in this relationship, she always hoped that her husband could give more, and she always dared not pay, nor did she want to admit her husband's efforts.
Later, after consulting with her for a while, I found out that she had suffered a lot of trauma in her childhood, her parents divorced in the 5th grade of elementary school, and she suffered school violence in junior high school, and when she went back to tell her mother, her mother blamed her for not studying well.
After junior high school, because her father did not give living expenses on time, her mother let her go to her father for money, so her mother would always quarrel with her father, saying again and again in front of her that men were unreliable.
And her father never cared about her reading, but when he saw the report card, he criticized her, saying that she was a waste of money reading like this.
She said she was shady from junior high school to high school for six years, and she began to close herself more and more, until she left her parents after college.
When she came to me for counseling, I found these past traumas in her heart, and I asked her if she would hate mom and dad, and she didn't want to think about it, and she replied to me, "No, it's all over." ”
All this that happened to this girl in the past, from the perspective of time, is indeed the past, but from the psychological level, is it really over?
Of course not, and it never went on, because her current intimacy was responding to all the hurts she had done in the past.
Her distrust in intimate relationships now, and not paying is obviously the defense that past hurts her subconsciously.
But she doesn't know it herself, because each of us will instinctively escape the pain, we will suppress our emotions, then it is difficult for us to enter into intimate relationships.
Even if you enter into an intimate relationship, you are unable to maintain it, and you will eventually reject your partner thousands of miles away because of excessive defense.
And this will eventually create the illusion that intimate relationships hurt people, and I am right not to give.
But is that really the case?
Of course not, because we ourselves do not have the ability to love. How can we reap love when we are all powerless?
Therefore, if you want to fall in love, the first thing to do is to find the part of your inner trauma in the past, to face it, to accept it, and to seek a professional counselor to heal it.
2. The ability to feel emotions
Each of us will have joys and sorrows, there will be fear, fear, worry, uneasiness, and you think about how you feel and feel when you come home from work every night?
When you feel desolate, you can try to experience with your heart what brings you this desolate feeling.
Stay away from your parents? No friends? Not cared about? No one understands? ......
You go to find out what kind of emotion your desolation is, and distinguish between different feelings, so as to help you deal with the problems of the moment more effectively and solve your inner troubles.
3. Build confidence in a sense of security
As I said earlier, the reason why you don't dare to enter a relationship is because you don't dare to believe in the intimate relationship, so you instinctively avoid it.
But if you deal with these traumatic experiences in your heart, and someone can help you find out the pain caused by the intimate relationship with your parents in the past, you will find that in fact, the intimate pattern of your interaction with others can be changed.
Past intimate relationships will hurt you, such as you and your parents do not communicate smoothly, they do not understand you, here are the reasons for your parents, it may be that they are very controlling, or they may not respect your feelings, but this does not mean that your future intimate relationships will be like this, nor does it mean that you will have such pain in the future.
You have to be willing to believe that you will have a better intimate relationship, but also believe that you have the ability to build better relationships with other people, you are no longer afraid, no longer afraid, open your heart, so that someone can enter your world, you can also start a new relationship.
I believe that there are many girls like the girl who wrote to me, who long for intimacy, who are afraid of intimacy, who do not know how to take down their defenses, and do not know how to start over.
Any difficulties encountered in this process can be private message to me, I will help you get out of the predicament together, help you find the courage and method to enter the intimate relationship.