01.
Reader's letter: Kaige, hello, I was 29 years old because I have been urged to marry, so I and my husband flashed marriage three months after the blind date, we have no emotional basis, nor do we know very well.
After the birth of the child, I took the child at home, did not have a job, had a bad relationship with my mother-in-law, and often quarreled with my husband, in the eyes of my husband, I was not good.
Now married for 6 years, the husband has cheated 3 times, we have quarreled many times, he can't change at all, and he has a bad temper and is always cold and violent.
In those years we had no communication, no companionship, no communication, and I had a very painful and intolerable life.
Last year, my husband helped me find a job to let me go to work, after work, our relationship was much better, and we also began to have something to say, and the fight was less noisy, but this year I found that he still contacted women outside, saying that it was useless.
Finally I asked him to give me the money, and I wanted to open it, turn a blind eye, I will not divorce, just like this.
In order to balance the psychological situation, I also cheated once, and after that, everyone was evened out.
But unexpectedly, I fell in love with this man, who divorced two years ago and is now working in research and development.
He is my ideal type, high education, the image is better than my husband, understand romance, care about me, and like me belong to the literary youth, like to read, like common music, we have a lot to talk about.
And my husband is just a country man, very vulgar, and has a bad temperament.
I often feel sorry why I didn't meet him earlier, and I made a pact with him to wait for each other for three years, and if we can still love each other after three years, we will get married.
I knew very well in my heart that if I did it again, this man was the most suitable person for me, and I would definitely marry him without hesitation, but now that I have a family and children, I have to think about it.
I want to ask Kaygo, is this man worth the family I give up for him?
Kai Zi replied: Hello girl, I think you actually know very well why you want to give up the current marriage, because your husband was not a choice you made carefully and carefully.
For you at the time, you were married because you didn't want to be urged to marry, you were married for the sake of getting married, and you didn't have enough love between you to maintain a long-lasting and stable relationship.
And now after meeting this man, you find that he meets all your expectations of your partner, but your meeting is too late, so you have the idea of giving up marriage, which is also understandable.
But if you change the object of marriage to this man, you must be happy? Today I want to discuss with you what factors you need to have in order to have a stable marriage.
1. Find a partner of the same kind
The spirit is right at home, and the three views are consistent, so that we can be regarded as a type of person, so that there will be no gap between your current literary and artistic youth and Yamamura Nobuo.
What kind of person you want, you must find what kind of person.
To give a very simple example, if you don't like a man who smokes, you find someone who can't smoke, instead of finding a smoker and then thinking about how to change him and make him quit smoking.
Everyone should not overestimate their abilities, and instead of carrying the illusion of changing your partner, wouldn't it be better to just find someone you want?
2. Stable personality
Entering marriage must understand each other's mental maturity, why always say to get along for a long time and then get married, because only if you are together for a long enough time, it is possible to understand each other more comprehensively.
For example, what will he do when you quarrel, is it cold violence, tantrums or hands-on, and even self-harm?
3. Income, character
Many men talk about marriage at an age when they are married, and their income is very ordinary. At this time, he was still young, and there was a saying that he should not deceive the young man poor, so don't care too much at this time.
But whether this person is focused, self-motivated, and stable is very important, whether he has these conditions determines whether he will be afraid of difficulties in the future, and whether he can actively find solutions when he encounters trouble.
Especially when a man has the ability to handle various relationships, you are together, not only will the days run, but also reduce internal friction.
But if it is a second marriage, the two parties have reached middle age, and then the poor should be carefully considered, because this means that the man may not have worked hard when he was young.
Middle-aged people's marriages, children, parents, mortgages, car loans, and no stable income ability, then economic problems will also crush your marriage.
4. Stay away from pornography and gambling drugs
The other day I just replied to a sister husband who will gamble, and I will not elaborate here.
In short, you don't want to put yourself in it for the rest of your life in order to save men.
5. Look at his friends
There is a saying that things are clustered and people are grouped.
Before getting married, you must find an opportunity to have a few meals with his friends, or go to meet and meet, you can see what his friends around him look like, you can know his true level and three views.
Many online loves or flash marriages do not have the opportunity to contact each other's friends, which will also affect your judgment.
6. Understand each other's family atmosphere
Marriage is not a matter of two people, but a combination of two families.
His relationship with his parents is his relationship with this society, and he can get along with you as much as he gets along with his family.
The original family is harmonious, and you will naturally get along well, if his parents are originally contradictory, he and his parents are also very aggressive, then you think about how good you will be after joining?
Or if he has the final say in everything, how can he support the family after being with you?
7. Be clear about what you want
Entering into this marriage with this man, what is your appeal? What do you hope he can bring you?
At the same time, what can you bring to the other person in this relationship, whether your personality is good or not, and can you meet his demands?
Here I have to say that you can't want the other person to be honest, but you hate him for being uninteresting. You want him to earn a high income and blame him for not having time to spend with you. Your own glass heart is always angry and angry, but blame him for ignoring your cold violence.
Now back to your question, you ask me if the man I meet today is worth it for you to give up your family and be with him?
Even if we put aside the important question of having a family, you will have to face the above six points, and after these six points have been answered, you can judge whether he is worthy of your being with him.
But another question also arises at this time, is there a way between you to verify the above six questions one by one?
There seems to be no way. For example, you can't justifiably enter his family to get to know, you don't have enough time to get closer to him, and you don't have the opportunity to get to know his friends.
That is to say, apart from having a pleasant chat with him, you can hardly confirm in any way whether he is a suitable partner.
That means that even if you give up your family choice to be with this man now, you may still repeat your and your husband's current marriage patterns in a few years.
I have to say that in the early days of many relationships, we will all expect good hopes and hope for a good ending, but a good marriage is not what we hope to be good, let alone a good beginning, can always be good.
A good marriage depends on too many factors, your choices, your management, your personality, your communication, your way of dealing with problems, etc. If we don't solve these problems, then changing a marriage may not really bring happiness.
Just like the classic saying, people who can't swim will drown in a different pool.
Today's analysis of this case I also hope to give everyone who cheats in marriage a wake-up call, whether it is a man or a woman, no matter how much passion and emotion you have, this will not be the final outcome.
Of course, I'm not saying that a bad marriage should be reluctantly adhered to, but no matter what the premise, start a new relationship should not be hasty.
No one person or emotion can save you from a failed marriage, and what can really save you will only be your own understanding and caution about marriage.
If you also meet a heartthrob person in the marriage like her and don't know how to choose, you can send me a private message, and I will help you find your own inner answers and make the right choices.
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