01
Reader's letter: Hello Kaige, it took a lot of courage to leave you a message to tell your story.
I am 29 years old, grew up in a single parent family, had a brief marriage, had a son, and now lives with his dad.
Because of the failure of my last marriage, I have not had the courage to step into marriage, and I have opened a small shop in the past few years and worked very hard.
But since last year, my store business has plummeted, and at the beginning of this year I finally decided to close the store.
After the end of the business, my father said that I can't do this alone, let me go on a blind date, I refused at first, my original family was not good, I longed for family warmth, but the failure of the previous marriage made me feel afraid of my family.
But because of the failure of his career, he was not young, and finally decided to compromise.
The man was introduced by a friend of my relative, 36 years old, the person looks clear, the job is not bad, I was originally a very sensitive, a little high personality.
So after careful consideration, after spending more than 3 months together, he was really good to me and took very good care of me, and I felt his sincerity before agreeing to settle down with him.
But I never imagined that such caution would actually face deception.
It turned out that he was married to me when he was dating, and he had known him for less than a month.
He got a marriage license with the girl on October 10, and on November 15, after the relationship with me was confirmed, he and the girl immediately went to get a divorce certificate.
Kaigo, I really can't accept how a 36-year-old man can do such a sloppy thing, and in the process of getting along with him, I always think that he is a very rational and mature man.
He confessed his past to me, and I asked him why he married this girl so quickly and divorced him immediately.
He said that because he had no fertility, the woman's family strongly opposed it after learning about it, and the woman's mother was hospitalized because of it, so she chose to divorce the girl in order not to delay the girl.
Now I'm confused, I don't know if my parents can accept that he can't have children, I plucked up a lot of courage to accept this reality, and we also agreed to do IVF next year.
But how do I choose? Do I want to continue with him?
This has hurt me a lot, I can't act as if it didn't happen, and I'm afraid he'll make similar mistakes in the future.
Kaigo I'm really confused, can you tell me what to do?
02
Kai Zi replied: Hello girl, you asked me if I wanted to give him a chance, I think in your heart you should really want to give him this chance.
But whether he will be like this in the future, maybe he doesn't know it himself.
The question is like if you ask: Will I win the lottery when I buy a lottery ticket, and the answer is yes, but you also ask: Will I win the lottery when I buy a lottery ticket? The answer is that it might.
Of course, I think you should know that since you are buying lottery tickets, the probability of winning the lottery is not high.
The same is true of this man, and when you ask if you want to continue with him, you are asking if he can give you happiness in the future.
This is also the same as buying lottery tickets, it can only be said that it is possible, but no one can guarantee it.
And your choice is whether you need to gamble for this opportunity.
After all, a 36-year-old man who can get married and divorced in such a short period of time can see the sloppy part of his personality.
Until we don't know enough, we can't know whether marriage is for love or just wants to complete the purpose of marriage for him.
But there is another problem here, you and I said that you yourself also decided to be with him after careful consideration, but according to time, you have not known each other for a long time, and it has not been half a year.
Have you ever thought that you are not very cautious in fact, and if you are cautious enough and these things happen that you cannot accept, will you still be willing to be with him?
Your caution may not be a cautious attitude in this matter, caution is just your excuse, or a slogan you shout.
What is called caution for you is that you need to go through a period of time to see if the man is willing to kneel and lick at you, using his humility in front of you to prop up your vanity.
This will lead to the reason that even if you now find that this man is hiding and cheating on you, you will still choose to be with him.
Because he gives you the emotional value you need.
Here is also in line with you saying that you are high, the reason why you give people a feeling of high is also because you are not willing to pay in your feelings, you need a person who pays for you.
But here I must remind you that you have already had a failed marriage, and you should understand that the reason why a marriage fails has a lot to do with the kind of person you choose.
You say you get along with him and feel like he's a mature, rational guy, and I don't know what you're basing that judgment on.
Judging by his behavior, it is clear that he is not mature.
He hid the fact that he could not have children from the girl's family, and he hid the fact that he was married to you, and he got married and divorced in such a short period of time, and started a new relationship with another girl. But no mature and rational person would do that.
Here I would also add that many girls can't tell what is a man's maturity and rationality.
To think that this man will plan his future in front of me, work well, and commit himself to me, and show the appearance of filial piety to his parents, is maturity.
I remember a previous report of a man in his 30s who threw his 2-year-old child to death and interviewed the child's mother afterwards about why he chose this man.
She said that she felt that this man was very masculine, and judging from his speech and demeanor, this man was very "grandfather".
You see, this mother understands the roughness, coldness, and tyranny of men as manhood, and in the end she has to pay for her ignorance.
When we do not have the ability to recognize people, most of us are easily confused by superficial phenomena, so we ourselves must learn how to distinguish between a person's good and bad.
You know, true maturity is knowing that he can not only know what he wants, but also understand the other person.
So maybe you're confused as to why a mature and rational person like him would do such a thing, not because he's really mature and rational, but because there are misunderstandings about your understanding of mature rationality.
Finally, back to your question, whether you and he want to continue, this I can not help you make a decision, can only help you analyze to this step, the rest of how to choose, based on your own judgment of this person, and the degree of risk you can tolerate for the relationship.
I don't know what everyone will think of this case, what advice will you give him?
If you have the same difficult decision to enter a relationship as she did, but you encounter obstacles that you can't go on, you don't know what to do, you can send me a private message, I will help you analyze whether you should continue, and how to make the right choice.