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Reader's letter: Kaige, I can't get along with my parents, what should I do if I can't communicate? Every time I communicate with my parents, I feel very tired and don't know why?
No matter what I do, they are against it, they can't look at the boyfriend they look at, think my boyfriend is in poor condition, from the countryside, and says he is not worthy of me.
But I think my own conditions are like that, although I work well, but the income is not high, it is 5000, my parents are not ordinary workers, they themselves do not necessarily have how good the conditions are?
Besides, my boyfriend is very self-motivated, and his income is more than 10,000 a month, how can they not see it?
Now I want to start my own business, and my boyfriend discussed opening a milk tea shop, we all looked at the address, and they sneered, saying that I would definitely not be able to do such a job.
I don't understand, when I look for a boyfriend, they think I can find better conditions, why when I want to start a business, I become the one who has no ability and no ability to lose?
And I want to start a business and don't ask for a penny from the family, it's all saved by me and my boyfriend over the years, and my boyfriend's family sponsored us 30,000 yuan, why should they stop me?
I am a very competitive girl, dare to love and dare to hate, the more I don't want to touch things I want.
I want to ask Kaigo how I can convince my parents to accept my boyfriend and get them to promise me to start a business.
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Kai Zi replied: Hello girl, you see, although your parents do not agree with your boyfriend, you seem to be getting along well now, and the fact that you want to open a milk tea shop is already on the arrow.
So have you found that even if your parents are opposed to your things, you still stick to your ideas, and you have been going down according to your own wishes.
Maybe for you, you're trying to convince them, just hoping in your heart to be recognized, to be accepted, so that you can find comfort and support in your heart, that's all.
So if you ask me how I can convince my parents, my advice is: You might as well give up the idea of convincing them.
Maybe when I say this, many people will disagree that in the traditional concept of our Chinese, being obedient to children is the foundation of filial piety and respect for parents.
There is no need to question this, it is true that we need to do it as children, but since it is respect here, then we must know what respect is, respect is that both sides can consider the problem from the perspective of the other party and understand the problem.
When parents use parenthood as a bargaining chip to control their children, this is equivalent to parents treating their children as their own private goods, rather than treating their children as an independent individual, and not considering that their children will have their own independent will when they become adults.
Therefore, I am not suggesting that everyone should not communicate their important events with their parents, but I suggest that it is better to give up communicating with their parents and convince their parents of their ideas without the respect and understanding of their parents.
We need to understand why it's so hard for us to convince our parents, because our parents' ideas may have solidified over the past few decades of their lives.
They have their own experiences of people and things, as well as the concept of their elders, decades of long years of accumulation, compression, sorting, which has allowed him to form a set of his own value system, deeply rooted, difficult to shake and change.
For example, in your parents' time, they felt that marrying someone too poor would be difficult, and they felt that starting a business was too risky, so it was better to find an iron rice bowl to be stable.
These are the feelings they experienced and energized in the era in which they lived, and for them, stability was the main theme of life.
And today's young people, post-90s, especially post-00s themselves were born in the era of material abundance, you no longer regard stability as the only pursuit, may seek more personality, innovation, risk-taking, all of which are very different from the parents of post-70s and post-60s.
Especially for less educated parents, communication is more difficult because none of this is in their cognitive system.
Then you have to realize that if you try to convince your parents through communication, this is completely cross-latitude communication.
What is cross-latitude communication is that the cognition of both of you is not on the same level, you think that looking up at the sky is a vast universe, and they think that looking up at the sky is the blessed Buddha.
Even if you are facing the same world, under the same blue sky, you will have different views and judgments about the same things. At this time, you want to communicate with your parents, and you want them to accept your ideas, isn't it chicken and duck?
So why is our generation trying to give up convincing parents, because you will be frustrated, and you will find that you can't convince him at all.
Forcing for understanding and support will consume a lot of your energy and time, and may not allow you to get a satisfactory result in the end.
The worst part is not just that you can't explain your parents, but that your parents are also trying to manipulate your thoughts, and think about whether this situation occurs in many families.
Both sides want to get the other to accept their own point of view, and both think that they are right, and this will lead to various conflicts in the family.
When married children encounter this situation, the scuffle with their parents will be more obvious, so many children and parents will have irreconcilable contradictions, and in the end, they are obviously relatives, but they regard each other as enemies in their hearts.
Taking a step back, if we want to convince our parents that our relatives eventually become enemies, then why not draw a line at the beginning, and we divide the responsibilities and obligations of both sides at the beginning of the birth of the contradiction between the two sides.
Children are responsible for themselves and have obligations to their parents, but they do not need to be responsible for their parents, let alone require their parents to be responsible for themselves.
The same is true of parents, who are also responsible for themselves, not for their children, and they are not responsible for their choices.
Only when both sides remain in such a state of independence can the two sides be more peaceful. Even though you may feel that this relationship with your parents seems a little distant, it is probably better to compare the results of opposing your parents and erupting conflicts, isn't it?
Many of us will have all kinds of conflicts with parents and do not know how to deal with, if you also encounter such a problem, you can send me a private message, tell me your story, I will give you a little advice, help you out of the confusion.