What was your birth family like? What kind of impact has your birth family brought to you?
Do you know that all your unretreated wounds are being replicated to your children?
Everyone has their own original family, and they will be more or less injured in the original family...
These unhealed wounds, if we do not find and correct them, will continue to replicate to our next generation.
The famous American "master of family therapy" Satya believes that a person is inextricably linked to his original family, and this connection may affect his life.
When we learn some healing knowledge, it is easy to put the problem down to the "original family", thinking that it is all the fault of the parents, that it is all caused by the parents. But blaming and complaining will never solve the problem.
And now, as a parent, you must remember: you are now the original family of your children!
You're recreating a culture and giving your children an example. Don't continue what was wrong in the past; the good experience of the past should be passed on. You affect your child's future family happiness.
Native family affects your personality and intimacy
We have two homes in our lives. One is the home we grew up with, mom and dad, and maybe siblings. The other is the one where we grew up and married and started our own family, and we called the first home the original family.
Things you don't remember affect you even more
Which of the things you remember, or the things you don't remember when you were young in your original family, had a greater impact on you?
Those things we don't remember affect us even more.
People are like a well-run computer, usually we see the computer interface is the interface we need to see, but the program that decides to present these interfaces is hidden in the computer program.
We are driven by some invisible program to behave in the present.
In interpersonal interactions, many times we are modeling on some of the behaviors we unconsciously learned in our original families, and sometimes we will do the opposite.
Different families, different rules
For example, a newlywed couple, the wife insists that the toothpaste should be squeezed from the bottom, but the husband squeezes the toothpaste from the middle. The wife will say that the toothpaste should have been squeezed from the bottom, and the husband will say, "Your original is different from mine." ”
Different families, different habits
For example, a newlywed couple who are in love with each other. The wife comes from a family with strict parenting and high degree of closeness. The wife accompanies her husband home in the New Year, eats Chinese New Year's Eve night, the husband's family scatters, watches TV, plays, and no one takes the initiative to greet the new daughter-in-law.
The new daughter-in-law was alone at the dinner table facing cups and plates, and the wife felt hurt and cried, while the husband felt puzzled.
When the husband returned to his wife's house, on the first day of the Chinese New Year, the family got up early to cook dumplings, dressed and sat at the table waiting for the new blessings of their parents, but the new son-in-law was still sleeping in bed, and the wife hurriedly called him down - the wife felt particularly faceless and hurt, and the husband still felt confused.
But in fact, they love each other very much, but the family mode is different, and what they learn is different.
So, when you don't feel love, it doesn't mean that love isn't around. Maybe everyone expresses love differently; again, when you feel hurt, it doesn't mean that someone else is deliberately trying to hurt you.
Some very strong and painful experiences experienced in childhood often make the person unconsciously make a major decision that affects his life.
For example, a very beautiful girl with excellent character and learning always finds a boy with much worse conditions than herself when looking for a partner, and after getting along for a while, it is difficult to force herself and break up.
It turned out that when she was six years old, her parents divorced, and her mother had to do several jobs to support the family. One night, while her mother was still at work, she came home alone and saw the dark room with nothing to eat in the fridge.
This feeling of loneliness and sadness is unforgettable at this moment. Since then, she has made a decision not to be abandoned. So when she was looking for a partner, she didn't dare to find a boy who was as good as herself.
These subconscious "invisible inner vows" often have a decisive impact on the most important interpersonal relationships in the person's life.
This lifelong decision is not necessarily bad. It has protected you at some point in your life and helped you. It's only later, when the environment of your life changes, that the behavior that protected you in the past becomes an obstacle in the new environment.
When the inner vows of a couple are just the opposite, it can cause a lot of problems.
That is, "interlocking psychological complexes".
The relationship between husband and wife is much like two lovers going to a difficult tango dance in a completely dark room with no fingers in sight. To compose the most beautiful dance of life, we must learn to understand our own and each other's original families, and light a lamp for love in the dark subconscious.
Understanding "Compulsive Repetition"
In life, we often involuntarily have relationships with certain people, either loving or hating, and subconsciously get a second chance through deep emotional interactions with them or pleasure or pain.
To heal the psychological wounds of the past, to make up for the regrets of the past, and to meet some psychological needs that are particularly important to you in childhood but have not been paid.
Questions worth thinking about
In what area do you have particular emotional allergies?
What are some of the negative emotions you often have since you were a child?
What are some of the psychological needs you need the most since childhood, and some of the most unmet needs?
What is your "inner vow," or one of your strong experiential feelings, a decision that affects a lifetime?
Everyone has to learn to take responsibility for their own psychological emotions.
There's no way you can keep the wind from blowing, but you can adjust the sails to get your boat to its destination. The least influential people are often those who absolutely do not accept the influence of others.
Don't use your original family as an excuse for not growing up or changing. Because your happiness, your happiness, is in your own hands.
You are not responsible for some things that happened in the family of origin in the past. But, starting today, you are responsible for every choice you make.
Remember: you are now your child's birth family! You're recreating a culture. Don't continue what was wrong in the past; the good experience of the past should be passed on.
What kind of family is best for the child's growth?
The best love a father has for his child is to love his child's mother well;
The best love a mother has for her child is to appreciate and respect the child's father. You can be together or you can be apart, but you can't live without love!
Respect is the deepest level of love! Half of the child comes from the father and half from the mother, and denying one of the parents of the child is equivalent to unconsciously denying half of the child.
However, it is not easy for couples to live together, not to mention the expectation that every couple can grow old in vain? So when couples divorce, the focus is on how do we help our children face it when couples are separated? Do we understand the deep psychology of children?
According to psychologist Maslow's research, when people's physiological needs are met, that is, after eating and wearing warm, the greatest desire in the heart is love and belonging, they are like food for the soul, if they are not available, it will make people feel empty and depressed.
The greatest desire in the child's heart is the sense of belonging to connect with his parents, which is a desire to transcend everything. So, how do children connect with their parents?
As mentioned earlier, do the same thing as your parents.
Only by doing the same thing can the child feel that "we are together", which is the need for a sense of belonging.
Therefore, the child does not care what is done, sometimes even the law, because the strong psychological need is like being able to eat enough when hungry, or even risking to steal food.
Therefore, we need to understand the child's deep psychological needs, that is, he must be connected to both parents in order to meet the need for belonging in his heart.
If the child lacks the connection between one of the parties, it will make the child feel empty and regretful, and the most unbearable thing for the child is that one of the parents negates the other party and excludes the other party, which is like the inner half negating the other half, and the result will inevitably cause a psychological split in the child.
For example, mothers often say that dads are bad and don't agree with dads, and children will take strong ways to connect with dad, that is, to do the same thing or do the same thing with dad.
But because this is not allowed by the mother, the child will listen to the mother on the surface, but in private he will be like the father, and even subconsciously follow the fate of the father without knowing it. What kind of message are we giving to our children when we deny our husband or wife?
Your dad is a lazy, irresponsible person, and you shouldn't be like him in the future!
Your mom loves money, and you don't want to be like her in the future!
Your mom loves to nag, don't nag like her in the future!
Your mother doesn't care about home, and you must not be like her in the future!
Such children will certainly grow up with these behaviors: laziness, irresponsibility, love of money, love of nagging, and disregard for home. Why?
Because he has a strong need to connect with his parents, but the information about his parents is all negative information, of course, he can only connect with these information and make the same behavior to satisfy the sense of belonging to connect with his parents.
Some people say, I just put it in my heart and didn't say it?
Don't fool yourself, your child's senses are incredibly sharp, even if you don't say it on the surface, if you have this information in your heart, it will definitely be revealed unconsciously, and your child will definitely feel it.
When a couple denies the other parent's identity because of the other's behavior, the child will behave in the same way as the excluded party.
Simply put:
The more you disrespect each other, the more like that person your child will be.
So what do we do? Since connecting with parents is a child's innate psychological need, provide more positive information to meet the needs of children to connect with their parents.
You're amazing, kid, you're as smart as your dad!
You're just as moralistic as your dad!
You're as well-like as your dad!
You are as filial as your dad!
You're as kind as your mom!
You are as loving as your mother!
You love to learn as much as your mom!
You're as serious as your mom!
Not only praise the child, the focus is on praising the child "like a father" and "like a mother", in this way, the child will connect with the parents in a good information direction, and the desire for belonging in the heart will be satisfied. Respect the parents whose significant other is also the child, and allow the child to connect with each other:
If you were like your dad, I'd be happy.
If you were like your mom, I'd be happy.
When the child's desire to connect is allowed, it will not be so strongly connected to the denied shortcomings in the dark.
Especially if divorced parents can do this, the child will have a good development, they will learn that adults sometimes quarrel, husband and wife may be separated, but they can recognize each other's position, but also recognize each other's parenthood, which is a very important teaching for children, but also a great blessing.
So remember, never deny the other half's behavior that they are the parents of the child, because the facts do not change because of the concealment, denial or concealment will only make the child unconsciously denied.
I wish all parents to be happy, have a healthy and smooth relationship, and jointly create a happy and satisfying environment to raise excellent children!
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