After 100 days of tracking, locating, and flipping through my husband's phone, my life was completely out of control

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Solve the difficult problems of relationship between partners

The afternoon before yesterday, I was invited to sit at my neighbor Xiao xiao's house and taste her freshly baked hometown snacks.

Xiao Xiao is 36 years old, a native of Northeast China, and has been married to the local area for many years. The husband is a government civil servant, the child has just entered primary school, smart and clever, excellent performance in all aspects.

Xiao Xiao is not quite like the traditional impression of a Northeastern girl. She was petite in stature, looking and sounding several years younger than her actual age; she was a woman who loved her home and was very homely, usually kept every corner of the house in good order, and was very worried about her husband and children.

Xiao Xiao greeted me warmly and attentively. However, I gradually found that Xiao Xiao's look was becoming more and more uneasy and anxious, and the conversation was also a little absent-minded, and I looked at the mobile phone from time to time.

I asked her if she had anything to deal with, Xiao Xiao sighed and said, Alas, what can I do, I just asked my husband if he would work overtime today and what time he would come back for dinner, but he never returned to me...!

Xiao Xiao's personality, I know a little bit. When she can't contact her husband, it's the moment when she's most anxious and on the verge of losing control.

Just then, Xiao Xiao's husband opened the door and came in. Xiao Xiao did not see her husband okay, as soon as she saw her husband appear, her face immediately pulled down, she opened the questioning and accusation mode of her husband, and seemed to forget that there was an outsider present at home.

Xiao Xiao's husband explained that after work early today, the car was just limited, so he took a colleague's car back; on the road, he only cared about chatting and did not look at the mobile phone. Between the words, her husband looked very embarrassed.

Before Xiao Xiao could have a further seizure, I quickly excused myself and left.

01

Xiao Xiao and her husband are actually very affectionate. They often go out and on the other side to buy groceries, sneak around, and watch movies. Every holiday, anniversary or whatever, Xiao Xiao will always receive gifts carefully prepared by her husband.

Her husband is a middle-level cadre of the unit, and he is usually very busy, but he can always take time to accompany her and do a lot of housework. Including the daily breakfast at home and sending the children to school, they are contracted by Xiao Xiao's husband. It should be said that Xiao Xiao's husband still cares about her and her family.

Xiao Xiao himself was very aware of this. But she said that whenever she couldn't contact her husband, whenever she found out that her husband had said a word to a female colleague or female neighbor, her anger and uneasiness suddenly came up.

I've asked her, have you ever found your husband having cross-border conversations or connections with other members of the opposite sex?

She said, that's not true, but I just couldn't help but want to look at his phone.

I asked, so how do you feel when you don't see anything in substance every time?

Xiao Xiao said that I felt very uneasy, I felt that there might be something hiding from me, I had not found it yet, so I would continue to watch it next time.

……

It is conceivable that Xiao Xiao's husband loves his wife on the one hand, but on the other hand, he will also face many moments of helplessness and collapse.

In marriages where love and kill each other, there is often a cancer called the desire to control. In such marriages, there is often a party of extreme control and a relatively passive, compromised, and obedient party at the same time.

02

When it comes to the desire to control, this is actually a human instinct. That is to say, as a normal, healthy person, we are trying to control every aspect of our lives so that life can go according to our own wishes.

This control is both an expression of maintaining our sense of security and defending our own resources of existence, as well as the realization of individual free will. So, control, to a large extent, is normal, healthy, and necessary.

But in marriage, things are a little different.

Marriage is a team of two independent, free, mature individuals. In this team, everyone should be equal, independent, and relatively free.

If one of the people's control attempts and control behaviors go beyond the scope of their own and invade all aspects of the other's life, such as interfering with and controlling the other party's eating, clothing, housing, social entertainment, work hobbies, life choices and other details, this will inevitably erode the other person's autonomy over his own life. This kind of control is unequal, unhealthy control.

In the marriage between Xiao Xiao and her husband, Xiao Xiao asked her husband to reply to her every message in a very timely manner, otherwise she would question, accuse, and lose control of her emotions; she asked her husband not to chat with the opposite sex except for female colleagues who had to contact;

The phone must be public, she can check at any time; whenever she can't contact each other for more than two hours, she will beat her husband's friends, colleagues, and even leaders and customers' phones one by one to find her husband's whereabouts... These are all manifestations of Xiao Xiao's attempt to absolutely control her husband.

In fact, Xiao Xiao's behavior also made her feel very tired and mentally draining. However, she said that she just couldn't control herself from doing it. Therefore, there is actually a problem here: Xiao Xiao herself can't control her words and deeds, but she tries to control her husband everywhere.

So why should she control her husband, and what good can control bring her?

03

In fact, what people want and can control is often things that are particularly important to themselves, such as partners, children's studies, money, and so on.

There are also some controlled behaviors that may seem less important, such as excessive tension about the whereabouts of the partner, excessive attention to family hygiene, etc., but behind these behaviors, often reflect the person's most worried things or some of her personality characteristics.

However, behind the control, it is often the person's sense of security that is at work. Many people think that the reason why you control another person is because you love him, even out of control; in fact, when you control a person, it does mean that this person is important to you, but not necessarily because you love him, it is very likely that you are too dependent on him and afraid of losing him.

Know that dependence, fear of loss≠ love itself.

In marriage, the party with a strong desire to control is often the more worried and tired party. It is precisely because they are insecure in their hearts and always live in a state of mind that worries about the emergence of problems and fears of loss, so it is difficult to enjoy the years quietly, refuse to relax, and never dare to let themselves relax.

They can afford to suffer, but they may not be able to enjoy the blessings. Therefore, people who are too controlling are actually very anxious and not so happy.

Many times, when a person is unable to control their own life, they will turn to control the outside world, such as controlling the other half and controlling the child, which seems to make them feel that their life is still under their control, so as to gain some sense of security and stability.

But this sense of security, based on controlling the freedom of others, is actually very unhealthy. Over time, the damage to intimate relationships and parent-child relationships is also enormous.

Because home is a space where each other can freely express their feelings and be true to themselves, not a military base where orders are issued and orders are carried out.

04

In marriage, people who always try to control the other half often have a misunderstanding in their thinking and cognition, that is, they think that marriage can be controlled and lovers can be controlled.

Because, if you want to achieve control in a larger system, such as in a company, it is often subject to restraint or rejection from all sides, and it is difficult for individual control attempts to expand and achieve indefinitely; but in a small nuclear family, there are usually only 2-3 family members, and it is easy to mistakenly think that it is easy to absolutely dominate and control the small battlefield of the family.

Especially when the controlling party finds that the other half of himself is a more tolerant and compromised personality, then this control seems to be easier to achieve, and it becomes more intense with the success of time and time again.

If you want to remove the cancer of "desire to control" in marriage, the root cause lies in running your own life first and achieving control over your own life.

For example, Ms. C, 40 years old, is married, has a good relationship with her husband, has her own career, and has not yet had children. C's career has risen step by step under her years of careful management; and her personal state and charm have become more and more glorious and moving.

She takes a completely uncontrollable approach to her husband, because she has no time, and because she has given herself a sense of security and confidence. Husband and wife are like friends and partners; at the same time, because there is no daily friction of chai rice oil and salt, they get along like lovers.

At the end of the day, in the face of the cancer of strong control in marriage, we can at least do the following:

◎ Change the battlefield of control, give up the control of lovers and children, and instead develop their own personal abilities, career planning, social entertainment, hobbies, etc., and establish an acre and three points of land outside of marriage that can make themselves happy;

[Gift]

Be aware, and whenever an attempt to control arises, hint to yourself: don't cross the line and respect each other's autonomy in marriage;

◎ Enhance our sense of security and heal the wounds of the past; the wounds we have been cannot be paid for by our current partners; we can seek the help of professionals, but do not take it for granted that partners should embrace everything and heal everything.

A truly good relationship depends on charm, high value, heartfelt love and kindness; what is obtained by control is not love, but to fill one's own insecurity and fear.