The mother is strong, the child is cowardly, and the female bully

Parents who are too controlling are the parents who do the most for their children and are the most tired, and at the same time, they are also the parents who are most likely to invade their children's autonomy and creativity.

When parents impose their own desires on their children, they will make them feel "invaded", and out of the instinct of individual existence, the child will "wrap and close" the free and autonomous self inside with a shell.

As a result, the child becomes subservient and lacks fresh vitality.

Parents are too controlling, the impact on children

Researchers at University College London in the United Kingdom found that parents have a strong desire to control their children, which is easy to cause long-term psychological harm to their children, making them grow up with a lower happiness index and stronger dependence, and the negative impact is comparable to bereavement.

The researchers followed 5,362 people, from their teenage years to their seniority, to understand their parents' behavioral limitations as children, as well as life satisfaction as they grow up, and levels of mental health.

The results showed that the respondents who were excessively restricted by their parents and interfered with their privacy in childhood grew up to be unhappy and less independent.

In a paper published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, the researchers wrote: "Respondents who received warmth and response from their parents as children had higher life satisfaction and healthier psychology. Conversely, there was a significant association between a strong sense of control and lower life satisfaction and poor mental health."

In addition, the researchers also found that the father's desire for control had a greater impact on the child.

In fact, such parents and children abound around us.

A female friend who also has a very strong mom. In the family, the mother is one and the same, and has endless dissatisfaction and accusations against her husband and children.

As a result, the good-natured dad became an ostracized marginal character. Until the end, Dad was squeezed out of the home – his parents divorced.

At this point, the mother is still in her daughter's ear, constantly complaining about her father, how bad it is.

The most the mother said to her daughter was, "You can't do this... You should do that... Don't be like your father..." This girl grows up, it is difficult to establish intimate relationships with people, and she is afraid to enter marriage.

Because of her mother's control, she has long been drawn into a prison, trapped in a narrow and lonely mode.

Yes, overly controlling parents often correspond to children who are not doing well. In such a parent-child relationship, parents wield the knife of "love" and hurt the body and mind of children who cannot be defended and have nowhere to escape.

The stronger the mother, the more devastating the family. Mothers are very important to children and to families. But a strong mother is devastating for the family, why?

1, the stronger the mother, the more cowardly the son, the daughter is domineering

A strong woman does not equal a strong woman. When we say strong, we refer more to personality than career. Many strong women are "iron ladies" at work, and when they go home, they become "little ladies", but their marriage is very happy.

On the contrary, some women may not do a great job, but they have a big temper and a lot of momentum, and they especially like to say one thing at home, and we call this kind of wife who likes to be a "queen" at home a strong woman.

Once in a book "Women Are Not Cruel and Unstable" used a chapter to discuss that the more powerful a woman is, the husband will be very stressed, the husband and wife will be disharmonious, and even the probability of the husband having an affair is high, because the husband does not get the respect he deserves here, and he has to go to the woman outside to find comfort.

In recent years, we only need to watch emotional programs to find that women in the family are too strong, not only the husband is suppressed, but also the growth of the son is very unfavorable, and even appears, the stronger the woman, the more powerful the son cultivated will not only not be as strong as her, but the more cowardly.

In a healthy family, the role of the father is very important, even decisive.

We often say that the husband and father are the pillars of a family, not only that the man bears the family's economy, but also has a leading role in the family, otherwise, the father is missing or the father is weak, and the power is left to the mother, which will make the mentality of the son and daughter form a very serious adverse consequence.

Psychological counseling has found that, in general, when the father's role in the family becomes more and more marginalized, the mother becomes more and more powerful, even one or the other.

From the perspective that children will always form an identity with the same-sex parents, the daughter will identify with the strong mother, and over time, the daughter will become a strong daughter.

In many families, the mother and daughter who are tense are often mothers and daughters with the same personality, that is, the powerful mother must have a strong daughter; the grumpy mother will definitely inherit the grumpy problem to her daughter.

Sometimes you find something very interesting, when a daughter rebels against her mother's tyranny, the daughter is also secretly inheriting the mother's tyranny, and it is logical that she will have a relationship with her daughter in the future.

If in the process of growing up, the daughter always sees that the mother has too many angry emotions towards the father, the daughter will unconsciously transfer this emotion to her own intimate relationship when she grows up, and always inexplicably angry with her boyfriend or husband.

In the psychological consultation, I met a woman, she is a typical acute child, always angry at her husband for no reason. Later, in a chat, she asked about her parental relationship, and it turned out that her mother, like her temper, liked to yell at her father.

There is an old Chinese saying that "if there is a father, there must be a son, and if there is a mother, there must be a daughter", which means that this kind of parental identity psychology is that the tyrannical father must have a tyrannical son, and the mother who loves the knife will inevitably cultivate a daughter who loves the knife.

In this way, we always inadvertently act as an example for our children, shape the character of our children, and affect the psychological growth of our children.

A strong mother is a mother who controls the family and children with her own will.

(1) Four tragic qualities of a strong mother:

opinionated

Around

Gesticulating

split hairs

(2) Four common behaviors of strong mothers:

We must listen to the mother, and the mother has the final say in everything.

Closely monitor your child's every move and know his whereabouts and behavior.

All activities of the child must be reciprocated to her and, if necessary, permission before the act.

Blindly pointing out children's lives, interfering arbitrarily, and manipulating their public and private lives for no reason.

(3) Three psychological traceability of strong mothers:

Strong in the outside, insecure, not independent, self-worth needs to be constantly proved by external things.

Strong possessiveness, a fetish complex, and all the emotional burdens on the daughter.

From childhood to adulthood, self-centered control and manipulation became a habitual behavior.

2, restraint makes children lose self-confidence, children are emotionally unstable, have no opinion, and rely too much on their parents for everything.

Excessively harsh discipline can easily erase the child's personality. Mothers discipline their children differently from work, to superiors and subordinates. Otherwise, it will have a negative impact on the child's character development.

Experts analyze that there is now a kind of mother in society, who is tough and capable in their work, and their careers are very successful, so they demand that their children do their best, and once the children do not do a good job, they may be scolded by their mothers, and this "strong" emotion seriously affects the normal development of children's mental health.

Many mothers see raising their children as a way to achieve self-actualization, hoping to successfully develop their children into a good person. They often attach their values to their children, whose success is their success, and their children's failure is their failure.

Therefore, this kind of mother has to shift this pressure on her children, invisibly imposing her will on her children, and the children become inferior in these constraints.

Excessively demanding will cause young children to lose their sense of security, increase psychological pressure, at this time the child becomes tired, any criticism can not touch him, becomes bottomless, and does nothing.

In front of a strong mother, the daughter chooses to unconditionally agree, but what about the son? Another scenario arises, which is unconditional evasion.

In this regard, the famous Austrian psychologist Adler has a wonderful argument: "If the mother is more authoritative and nags the rest of the family all day long, the girls may imitate her and become mean and picky; the boys are always in a defensive position, afraid of criticism, and try to find opportunities to show their obedience."

Because, when the mother always accuses and criticizes her husband, she is actually accusing and criticizing all men, and the son, as a man, will inevitably hide in no man's corner like his father.

So when a wife with an overly strong personality likes to laugh and taunt her cowardly husband, she actually passes on this ridicule and ridicule to her son as well. Every strong mother must have a cowardly son; the more she accuses her husband of cowardice, the more cowardly her son becomes.

Psychological consultation found that most strong mothers have not raised strong sons, but most of them are weak or even unsuccessful children, and such examples abound in history.

Wu Zetian was strong enough to seize Li Tangjiangshan and proclaim himself emperor, but her sons were weaker than one, and one was more mediocre than the other.

Speaking of Empress Dowager Cixi, it was powerful enough, and Prince Gong united to destroy the eight ministers of Tuoguo, and together with Empress Dowager Ci'an, they bowed to the government. But he gave birth to an indisputable son.

The Tongzhi Emperor was also a master who did not show up, and finally visited the brothel and got syphilis. His personality is also very cowardly and mediocre, and he went out to prostitute himself to some extent, forced by his mother. Because Cixi disciplined him extremely strictly, he would interfere with what kind of empress he married, so that his normal married life could not be carried out, so he had to go outside to indulge himself.

This is the power of identity.

3, a strong mother will make her son unmasculine.

Many of the mothers of the present are very capable. In the domination and domination of the family, it is often also up to the mother's will and authority.

The result of this is that the patriarchy cannot express its position of authority, and if the family wants to maintain relative harmony, the father can only "firmly support" the mother's opinions and suggestions, otherwise it is a quarrel or a cold war. As a result, the weak father gave up his position as the head of the family.

From the mother's side, it may be:

First, the mother herself is insecure, and her self-worth needs to be constantly recognized by the outside world, especially by her family;

Second, the mother finds that her husband cannot be a trustworthy person and is compelled to exercise her dominant right out of uneasiness;

Third, the mother thinks that the father is incompetent and stupid, and will not give any constructive opinions, so everything is decided by herself;

Fourth, the mother has a strong sense of self-centeredness from childhood to adulthood, and likes to control and manipulate the behavior of others;

Fifth, the mother has a strong desire to occupy and put all the emotional burden on the child.

It is indeed unfortunate for boys living in such matrilineal families. Psychologically speaking, the growth of a boy requires a tall image of a man. In the absence of the father, it is very likely that the boy will think that the male is like the father and the female is like the mother.

When the child is young, the strong mother still shows no problems, and in early childhood and childhood, due to the cowardice of the father and the inability to prevent the mother's excessive interference with the child, the child will have various problems.

Problem 1: Boys are difficult to masculine.

Children have less understanding of male strength, there will be "lack of father love syndrome", lack of masculinity, slower development in weight, height, movement, etc., and there are emotional disorders such as anxiety, weak self-control, etc., and will become cowardly, timid, withdrawn, inferior in terms of personality.

When the future enters the society, there will be various uncomfortable states, unable to act according to their gender role norms, like to find strong women to marry, and unable to become a husband who is worthy of dependence.

Problem two: make the child disrespect authority.

Families in which the patriarchy is lost can cause children not only to fail to learn from their fathers to respect authority and understand hierarchy, but also to think that men are just like fathers.

At the same time, in the imperfect family, children will often instinctively curry favor with the "strong" in the face of strong mothers, especially boys, who will also follow their mothers, unconsciously rebel against their fathers, and do not pay attention to their fathers' opinions.

Problem three: Overprotecting your child.

The mother's excessive strength is a sign of her lack of security, which will make her a typical protector. Afraid that the problems they are worried about will appear in the child, as long as it is not conducive to the child, they want to filter it out and avoid it through their own efforts.

Therefore, the mother does everything, and asks the child to follow her in thought and behavior, and eventually the child will not know anything, completely dependent on the mother, which further confirms the mother's idea.

Problem four: Putting too much pressure on your child.

Strong mothers tend to be capable and perfectionists, and will use raising their children as a method of self-actualization, demanding that their children do their best. So he invisibly imposes his will on the child, and also attaches his own value to the child.

It cannot be denied that these strong mothers pay a lot, but it is precisely these "pay" that make children feel stressed, easily cause children to lose their sense of security and self-confidence, and cause children's psychological inferiority after adulthood.

Problem five: Make it difficult for children to be independent.

A strong mother is not only strong in front of her husband, but also in front of her children, and does not allow her children to say "no".

Under the strong control of the mother for a long time, the child's characteristics and feelings are naturally ignored, and the child has few opportunities to make independent decisions in life, and everything is taught, directed and arranged by the strong mother.

Over time, the child will give up his own responsibility, lose the ability to solve problems and face life independently, and form unconditional obedience and dependence on the mother.

Problem Six: Children learn to resist passively.

A strong mother makes the child lose himself, feels that everything he does is for the mother, and cannot produce the motivation to do things in his heart.

Under the pressure of power, the child knows that resistance is useless, although the heart is saying "no", but it can only indicate superficial obedience, which is why the child feels that only by passive resistance can there be autonomy.

As a result, children often adopt a cancellation attitude when faced with things they cannot control and are unwilling to do.

Problem Seven: It is difficult for children to learn to socialize.

Parents are the earliest children to know the same sex and the opposite sex, from the friendly relationship between parents, can let children learn to grow up with same-sex, opposite-sex friends to get along with the method, which determines the child's interpersonal skills.

Under the management of a strong mother, this social interaction is deformed, making the child afraid of encountering denial and rejection, and accustomed to hiding his inner feelings.

This mode of defense makes it more likely to be isolated by society and difficult to integrate into society.

Question 8: A strong mother can lead to an Oedipus complex.

Strong mothers, because of the too much love they put in, the greater the expected harvest, the deeper the mother-child bond, and even the son will be regarded as a "replacement spouse" as the only object of emotional support.

In the end, it is possible to desire to possess a son to the point of sharing what his son has. This makes it difficult for the child to get rid of the influence of the mother and gain his true self.

This, in adulthood, will make it difficult for boys to identify with other girls and become more dependent on their own mothers.

In summary, mothers who are too strong or have too much contact with their children must let their children have a good understanding and correct impression of their fathers in their own minds.

In fact, a smart mother will always give her father the opportunity to let her child feel the presence of his father at any time, and respecting her husband is the best way to show patriarchy.

Of course, fatherhood cannot shirk responsibility, but also strive to participate more in the decision-making of family affairs.

Finally, it is important to know that strong control is sometimes not necessarily the strong control of the child's thoughts or emotions, but also the strong control of gentle care or sweet words.

The hardest part of raising children is not to bother. For parents who are too controlling, this is especially important to learn.

Parents who are too controlling always seem to have a worry: If I let go, wouldn't that be laissez-faire? Isn't the child going bad or in danger?

Controlling parents need to learn to let go first

Let go and not let go

To reduce control and to "let go" rather than "let go", it is indeed necessary to grasp the heat.

For example, when a child first learns to walk, the sense of balance has not yet developed well. Therefore, the child will take the initiative to hold your hand and walk, at this time, you give the necessary support, it is not "laissez-faire".

When the child's strength and balance are enough, he will want to shake off your hand, at this time, you loosen your hand and boldly allow the child to move forward, which is "letting go".

Children who go alone, when they move forward, may also encounter uneven roads, fear in their hearts, and hope to hold your hand again, at this time, you are guarding around, helping in time, which is "letting go and not letting go".

On the contrary, if the child wants to leave, you say negatively, "Okay, you go by yourself, and when you're gone, don't come back to me!" Or, when the child leaves and wants to come back to you, you sneer and say, "Didn't you go by yourself in the first place? What will you do without me?" These are all controls.

For another example, for the child's learning, parents let go, in fact, not completely disregarded, but agreed with the child on the basic rules, daily behavior habits, provide the necessary material support, give timely recognition to the child's progress, lead the child to see more of the outside world, promote the child's enthusiasm for learning, and so on.

How to do the specific questions, what to do first and then do, whether to do wrong, how to do the test results, which homework is preferred, what hobbies and hobbies are preferred, etc., are all the children's own affairs, and it is up to the children to decide for themselves. It's about letting go, not letting go.

On the contrary, if parents are like overseers, supervising their children's learning at 360 degrees without dead ends, or even turning learning into a battlefield of parent-child struggle, full of various threats and inducements, then this is the "invasion" of parents into their children, that is, control.

Throughout the process of raising children, parents need to understand that children and we are equal. We parents have the right to give our children the necessary advice, guidance, and support, and children also have the right to accept or reject us. To ensure this, the control between parents and children will be much less.

Parents need to learn to clear the "boundaries"

Some mothers complained: My daughter is in elementary school, and I found that she was sloppy in her exams, and she cut corners when writing homework. To this end, I repeatedly stressed to her, and even couldn't help but get angry, but it was still useless. I knew that I was always angry with her for this, and it was not good for her and for myself, but other than that, I didn't know what to do. This is obviously a mother with unclear boundaries.

Every individual lives in this world, is independent, in order to better survive, each person has their own "boundaries".

It's like a country that has its own borders. The same is true of people. For the body, the skin is the first line of our defense against the external environment and various bacteria. Similarly, our psychology has a boundary of its own.

It is the existence of this invisible boundary that makes us feel more and more enthusiastic about certain things, some people, and have no feeling for some people and things.

For the confused mother above, she made two mistakes on the issue of boundaries:

First, she broke through her daughter's boundaries.

Because, she reacted too violently to her daughter's learning. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, the child's learning is the child's own business. Perhaps it is precisely the mother's overreaction that, like a magnifying glass, has turned the child's learning into a "big problem" and even solidified it.

Second, the mother herself took the initiative to let others (daughters) break through her own boundaries.

To be precise, it is not the daughter who is angry with the mother, it is the mother who allows the daughter to be angry with herself. Without the "invitation" of the mother, the daughter could not arouse such a big reaction from the mother in the matter of studying.

This mother, her early years should have been raised in a confused, mutually aggressive relationship. If this bad pattern is not to continue, you must be aware of your problems and grow yourself.

Finally, I would like to remind parents who are troubled by their children's "various problems", please first reflect on whether the problem is only their own "desire to control" behind the problem.

Parenting begins with self-rearing. Otherwise, bad patterns will be replicated from generation to generation. This is called "generation-skipping inheritance".

Parent Academy, the practical experts around you, parents study hard, children improve every day! No problem children, only problem education! There is no lover who does not know the heart, only relationships that will not get along!