Sanmao said:
"If love doesn't fall on the little things like laundry, cooking, counting money, and bringing kids, it's not going to last long."
As long as you are married and have children, you will definitely know how simple and profound this sentence is in marriage.
When I was young, I heard such a conversation between lovers:
Girl: "After marriage, who of us has the final say?" ”
Boy: "You decide on small things, and we discuss big things." ”
At that time, I thought that the boy was reliable and had a high emotional intelligence.
But now, after giving birth to a child, I know where the big things are in the family! In marriage, day after day, it's just chai rice oil and salt, doing housework, with children — "these little things." If there is no disagreement between husband and wife on housework, then there will be a consensus on the so-called "big things".
In the marriage of middle-aged people, they are most afraid of these two words - "loss", see through, will be happy.
01
Lin Daiyu said it well - either the east wind overwhelmed the west wind, or the west wind overwhelmed the east wind.
Who does the housework?
Who brings the child?
Emotional expert Tu Lei once said a passage:
"In marriage, the most feared thing is that the husband divides the work of the married life from the bottom of his heart, and thinks from the bones that men are only responsible for making money, and women should do housework naturally, and take the baby day and night."
The recent hit drama "Dear Child" was rated as the "ceiling" of fear of marriage and childbearing, and it is said that many girls are afraid to get married and dare not have children after watching it. There are also media comments that this drama is "selling anxiety", but many netizens do not buy it, and even think that real life is more sad than the plot of the play.
In my opinion, in addition to the plot to save the child later, the first half is life itself. I believe that as long as the woman who has given birth to a child, when she sees the first episode of "New Life", she will think of the scene when she gave birth, and the pain, through the screen, comes over and over again.
The arrival of children is the watershed of the relationship between husband and wife, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and family relations.
02
I, 34, have been married for seven years and my daughter is 4.
At that time, my mother-in-law heard that I was giving birth to a daughter and cried at the door of the delivery room on the spot. My husband immediately said, "You want to cry outside and cry!" "This scene was told to me by my husband later.
When the daughter was four months old, the mother-in-law suddenly couldn't help but say: "My granddaughter is getting better and better, and when she first came, it was because the girl didn't want to hug." ”
It is said that "Yuezi Sorrow" remembers a lifetime, these two things, I will certainly not forget in this life.
But although the mother-in-law is such a "son preference", the daughter is her wholeheartedly help to bring up.
Because my mother-in-law has been helping with the children, my husband has a mentality of "I need to do the work, my mother has done it for me".
Until the girl was 3 years old, I always said that I was "widowed parenting", always saying that when he came home, he knew to lie in bed and look at his mobile phone, or crouched in the toilet to look at his mobile phone.
I have been accused a lot, and now my husband just needs to do some housework, he will ask me to see.
"Look, I've cleaned up your girlfriend's meal and made this stall", "Look at me boiling water", "Look at me making the bed"...
It bothered me.
A few days ago, on a busy morning at work, I finished my children, ate a few bites of food, and got ready for work. My husband was still squatting in the toilet because it was raining that morning and he needed to take me to work, so I urged him.
He became impatient and said, "You know to go, I can't clean up?" I don't know what to pour with the freshly boiled water! ”
Listening to this sentence, I went out, originally I wanted to go to the garbage first. But it occurred to me that I had already filled the pot of water, and that the pot of water that was now boiling was what I had burned again.
So, I suddenly opened the door and rushed in, my husband just came out of the toilet, I raised my fists, hammered him the back twice, and said while hitting: This is what I burned again, see you do some housework, as a loss! Never let me see what you do! ”
My husband saw that I was "crazy", and he knew that he was wrong, smiled and didn't say anything, and my daughter also rushed over to help me, holding out her little finger to my father and saying: "You stinky king!" (Stinky King, the nickname I gave my daughter to his dad, because he squatted in the toilet twice a day, each time for more than half an hour.) ）”
I remember that on the "Talk Show Conference", there was a talk show actor who said that he liked to squat in the toilet as a married man, and said that he had installed a bookshelf in the toilet, but his wife was a designer, and designed their toilet to automatically spray hot water after fifteen minutes, which made people laugh, but it was the norm of many families.
I seriously suspect that my husband is just hiding in the toilet to avoid doing housework.
03
But after that morning, I took a good look at myself and reflected on our marriage.
I suddenly felt that my husband's "loss" mentality may be a kind of self-defense, self-defense of my accusations of more than 3 years, he once said: "I am not doing anything, it is you who choose not to see." ”
be.
After the birth of the child, I only take the child, wash the clothes, and other things at home, I don't care about it, and I don't bother to listen. He is responsible for the mortgage of the water, electricity and heating property; he is responsible for the old man's illness; he is responsible for the sophistication of people; he is responsible for all the procurement of the family...
It was I who first had the mentality of "losing" with my own child alone, and it was I felt that he had not been able to see the child with me, especially when he saw the "daddy". It's not right for him not to have children, but otherwise he's really good, I shouldn't continue to ask him that way, and after my daughter is 3 years old, he can get involved.
I thought again that my husband and I are college classmates, after graduation and insisted on a long-distance relationship for 3 years, it was not easy to get married, should have cherished, remembered each other's tenderness when in love, but also felt that quarrels really should not be.
Then, I softened a lot, my husband became more conscious of working, and the home became warmer and warmer.
Xiaojiao Heart Language:
The above is the heart of my good friend, and for the convenience of writing, I used the first person. When my best friend and I finished talking about her feelings in the marriage, the word "loss" has always been in my mind.
We all know that marriage requires inclusion and understanding, but how can it be done? Everyone understands the truth, but there are very few who can do it.
The most feared thing in marriage is this "loss" mentality, and all accusations and complaints are because of these two words.
How much housework have I done, and you know lying down, have you ever taken care of the child? How hard I work, how come you don't know how to understand me?
Since when did you divide the work in your mind? Since when did you treat the effort for the family as if it were done by a partner, thinking that it was the one who owed you, and that you did so much, it was really a "loss".
How many people envy the love between Yang Dai and Qian Zhongshu, but how many people have read Yang Dai's "The Two of Us", knowing that when Yang Dai gave birth to a child abroad, only Qian Zhongshu was around, and he also "often did the wrong things" and broke things in the family, but Yang Dai smiled and said: "It's okay, I will repair." ”
After they returned to China, because of work reasons, for a long time, Qian Zhongshu was far away from home, and it was Yang Dai who lived in her mother's house with her children. But in "The Two of Us", I can't see a trace of her complaints, and I don't feel that she feels that she has "lost" in her marriage. On the contrary, the words are full of marital satisfaction.
When Mr. Yang Dai wrote "The Two of Us", her husband Qian Zhongshu and their only child, Qian Zhen, had already died, and the 92-year-old Yang Dai carefully recorded the bits and pieces of their family's 63 years and formed a memoir "The Two of Us".
In his book, he writes:
"I lived a full life and was very interesting because of the two of us. It can also be said that neither of us has wasted this life, because it is us.
Our family is very simple; the three of us, very simple. We have no quarrel with the world, no quarrel with others, but only to get together, to stay together, and to do what we can. When encountering difficulties, Zhong Shu always bears them with me, and the difficulties are no longer difficult; there is also a Ah Yan to help each other, no matter what bitter and difficult things, they can become sweet. When we are a little happy, we will also become very happy. So we have an unusual encounter. ”
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said: "Live love", a good marriage is how to live out.
I have seen such a sentence:
"When I was driving on the wrong road, my wife never complained, and would comfort me: just let's see a little more of the scenery. If there is any contradiction between us, she will choose to face it with me, and will not waste time and energy on quarrels. ”
This is the happiest thing in a marriage.
As long as we can get rid of the "loss" mentality in marriage, starting from the "small things" of housework, there will be communication and understanding, there will be tolerance and thoughtfulness, there will be a good marriage, and we will be able to live out happiness.