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"A hot potato is a warm bed": "The thoughts are so far apart, the closeness of the body has become an opposition." ”
The height of thought determines the height of life, and the realm of thought determines the realm of life, which is popularly speaking, related to what a person thinks and thinks, or rather, related to the values that a person adheres to.
What we usually call "people are not the same as people" mainly depends on the mind, and it can be clearly distinguished from the two aspects of being a person and doing things. The people who are out of tune are not completely coincident in thought, but only the parts that are in tune are more than the parts that are out of tune; the people who are not in tune are far greater than the parts that are out of tune, or there is no overlap at all.
This is a very easy truth to understand, such as you like certain people in life or work, do not like certain people, is the evidence of whether it is in tune or not; emotional things are even more so, you hate someone very much, you can never like him.
Having said that, some people will ignore the differences in their thoughts when they get along with others, and passively cater to other parts that are not too important, so it is easy to lay the foundation for future life. The following reader's marital experience illustrates this issue well.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
Brushing a sentence in the circle of friends in the morning deeply touched me: "Many people are just preparing for the wedding, not preparing for the marriage." ”
This can be said to be a true portrayal of my past life, I can say that I got married can be said to be a state of drifting, did not think about who I should marry, did not think about what my ideal husband is, and did not think about the responsibilities and obligations that both husband and wife should bear in marriage, just obey the parents' arrangements to get married.
After getting married, I could hardly make any money in my hometown, so I proposed to work in other places, but he was not happy, saying that if I wanted to go, I could go by myself, and he wouldn't go anyway. I didn't think much of it at the time, and went directly to a foreign country alone, starting a life of separation in a different place.
Coincidentally, the situation has been special in recent years, I can't go home for the New Year, but I have never received a call to be greeted. Even if I volunteered to call back to explain the situation, he was indifferent, as if we had nothing to do with each other.
I always excused him when I enlightened myself, but more times, I found that I was deceiving myself. I can think of calling him, why can't he think of calling me? Even if he couldn't think of it, wouldn't his mother-in-law think of it? What the hell am I in their minds?
It wasn't until I said, "I've had enough of being separated from another place and want to get a divorce," that he responded, but the words of the response disappointed me: "It's not too late to divorce after giving birth to a child, otherwise I can't make friends with my parents, and you can't let me get married and leave nothing!" If you don't want to have children, then give me all the money you have earned over the years, after all, I have always guarded this home, no merit and hard work! You can remarry anyway, and I'm going to raise my parents!" ”
I am not willing to accept both of these conditions he proposed, because they are not good for me, but I don't know what to do, can you give me some advice?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
I have received many similar messages, which can be summarized as this question: Marriage without feelings, do you want to continue?
Just like another reader, she just couldn't get home after working in a nearby city, and as a result, her husband and in-laws didn't greet or care, let alone visit her. She didn't understand why the husband and wife were so indifferent, wanted to divorce but worried that the money she earned would be divided, because her husband spent a lot of money, had no savings in his hands, and she didn't want to make a wedding dress for others.
Although she can understand that "there is no need to continue in a marriage without feelings", but she has been hesitating, when her husband asked her for money in disguise, she once again left a message to say the inner entanglement, do not know what to do.
The marriages of this type of person have one thing in common, that is, as we mentioned earlier, they only used a submissive attitude to get married, but they never thought deeply about the problems of "choosing marriage" and "running marriage", let alone analyzing the pros and cons from these two aspects, until the problems after marriage touched the values, and the heart began to sway.
But just wavering inside doesn't solve the problem. While you figure out what you should divorce, you start to worry about the consequences of divorce, and all that's left is entanglement.
There is a fundamental problem in this: when getting married, they have not considered "willing to gamble and lose", and they do not understand "willing to gamble and lose" when they face problems and need to make decisions, which will make a person without the courage to make decisions.
People do not understand "willing to gamble and lose" in middle age, and they will live very tired. Especially when people reach a low point, or when the feelings are not smooth, whether you let the current marriage continue, or choose to give up, a choice will correspond to a result, you only have to take a step to know what the result is. As for whether it can bear the result, it is necessary to have the courage of "not caring" and "not caring".
In other words, if there are only two paths in front of you, what are you to hesitate about? Choose one of them carefully, and be willing to gamble and lose; if there is a third way, you have no reason to hesitate, go straight to go, and then be willing to gamble and lose.