01
Qian Zhongshu said in "The Siege":
"No matter who you marry, after you get married, you always find that you are not marrying the original person, and you have changed to another one." 」
We never know our spouses, we just think we know, marriage is a life event, which means that as soon as we walk in, we are no longer our original selves.
Or, you never knew your spouse, you knew only him or her in love.
The understanding in love is deceptive, the advantages are infinitely magnified, and the shortcomings are infinitely hidden, so this understanding is not true and objective.
You have to get married and actually encounter certain life problems before you can know how he will react or behave. Before that, no matter how you presupposed and imagined, it was only your presuppositions and hypotheses, which were made based on the understanding in love.
It can be seen that marriage has a risky nature.
Of course, this does not mean a blind gamble in life, seeing each other's family can help you understand your spouse more truly and objectively.
Always believe that the family is a mirror of demons, and in front of this mirror, the true face of a person will be hidden. What kind of contamination and enlightenment you receive from an early age will form what kind of thinking, concepts, personality and psychology.
Family life is similar, can not avoid the triviality of chai rice oil and salt, in many things, his parents' practices, behaviors and performances, it is likely that he later all the reactions.
Life can not go around a wall of the original family, bit by bit, ear to ear, is the indoctrination of thoughts, teach him to encounter such a thing, can have such behavior, and adhere to this way of coping.
02
Susan Foward said:
"Toxic family systems are like a chain of rear-end collisions on the highway, and their bad effects are passed on from generation to generation. This system was not invented by your parents, but a gradually accumulated set of feelings, rules, communications, and ideas inherited from your ancestors. ”
Deeply.
Encountered, can only stay away, do not think to save and change.
The experience of having a female reader made me very profound. When her husband slapped her in the face, in addition to disbelief, there was a feeling of déjà vu, because it was like the epitome of a very father-in-law.
Before marriage, the reader did not understand the husband's family, but after marriage, he gradually saw the father-in-law's grumpy temper and often became angry with his mother-in-law.
Based on the reader's understanding of her husband before marriage, I feel that his temper is very similar to that of the father-in-law.
So when I was afraid, I thought of my own fear, so I asked my husband, "You won't do the same to me in the future, will you?" But the husband replied affirmatively: "No." ”
However, in later days, the husband became more and more like her father-in-law, often glaring at readers for small things, which made her very afraid. But he still believed in her husband and would not commit domestic violence against herself until the slap hit her in the face and intensified after that.
Afterwards, they will admit their mistakes, repent, and guarantee, but as long as the emotions come up, they will deal with the contradictions between the two people in a violent way.
The husband especially cannot withstand the reader's rebuttal and confrontation, mainly a family problem, because in the husband's original family, it has always been believed that women are appendages of men, no matter how big or small, women's Taoist families have no right to speak, economic rights, and initiative.
For example, when someone comes to the house as a guest, it is always the mother-in-law who is busy washing and cooking, and the father-in-law will take this for granted, including the husband who has the same attitude towards the mother-in-law's efforts.
I can't see the mother-in-law's pay, I don't feel the mother-in-law's pay, I only think that everything I do is right, and then there are all kinds of picks and turns.
The more time passes, the more obvious the husband's problems are exposed, especially after the first time, as if there is no scruples.
This also directly leads to the reader's position, situation, and life in the family, becoming more and more like a mother-in-law, and gradually forming a man-centered thought.
The more the reader tolerates, the stronger the husband is, and with a slight rebuttal, the husband feels that his position is threatened and must not be allowed to happen. Later, when I escaped from this kind of family, I felt extremely afraid, because of what? Don't fantasize that you can change him and save him, only the possibility of you being assimilated by your family.
03
Including the indifference, harshness, and calculation between family members, it is impossible to cultivate a tolerant, thick, and loving child. Therefore, the quality of the family is very important, and often directly determines the quality of the child and whether it can become a reliable destination. "Toxic family systems that are passed down from generation to generation": get married, look for that.
After marriage, in addition to the lives of two people, you also have to deal with the spouse's family, think about how much pain this will bring you.
Although there is no perfect original family in this world, at least between families, there should be love and respect.
When you meet such a family, you can safely get married, believing that in the end you will not be disappointed, whether it is your spouse or his parents.
On the other hand, the mother is strong, the father and he are very weak, and such a family does not recommend that you marry.
Why is it said that looking for a partner depends on whether the parents are reasonable? Parents are reasonable, which is really important and critical, even if you can't decide that your spouse is a kind person, at least the family behind it will not bring you a burden and trip you up.
From a certain point of view, love is a matter of two people, and falling in love mainly depends on emotional contact, but married life is often living with each other's thoughts, habits, three views and family.
What are you most afraid of? The conditions are not good, there are still all kinds of infighting and internal friction, the family fights to the death every day, the fight is broken and bleeding, and anyone who encounters such a family, even if it has been single, must be taken out. You should know what is most important, and never put the cart before the horse, such as ignoring the most important things because of conditions.
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