How to deal with the problem of constantly criticizing your spouse

My spouse is always looking for flaws in me

The ideal marriage involves healthy communication between the parties; however, these channels are not always unimpeded. The reality is that every marriage comes with some challenges from time to time, and many of us have to put up with the cynicism and/or complaints of our partners. Conversely, some people are in a situation where negative comments are constantly pointing to their situation.

Living with a spouse who always seems to be nitpicking is difficult and painful. For your emotional and mental health, it's important to find ways to deal with the situation. When both parties have the ability to communicate clearly and respectfully, it is possible to regain harmony.

Why is my spouse so picky?

Realizing that most, if not all, of your spouse's criticism actually has little to do with you can be helpful and promising. When comments are always directed at you, it can be hard to believe. It's important to remember that some people think their way is better, while others really believe they're helping others.

The truth is that people who are critical of others are usually dissatisfied with neither themselves nor their lives. They deal with these bad emotions by projecting them onto their partners. Maybe your partner grew up under the criticism of their parents and learned this way of communicating. It may also be that they carry resentment or regret that they did not say many years ago.

If your spouse is mature enough to look in the mirror and admit the real cause of the anger, your marriage will be better off. If not, you still need to understand that dissatisfaction is most likely not because of what you did or didn't do, and if you weren't there, there's a good chance someone else will hear the comments.

Set boundaries for yourself

When everything is done, there is no excuse to justify bad behavior. It is your spouse's responsibility to respect your feelings and treat you with a caring attitude. When that doesn't happen, it's time to act on your own.

Some say that setting healthy personal boundaries is like building a solid fence around your house that keeps you safe. Part of taking care of yourself is not letting anyone take away your self-esteem. That's what boundaries do.

Setting boundaries doesn't mean keeping other people out of your life, it just means you think carefully about who and which behaviors you want to allow into your life to avoid unnecessary harm. If you can stick to your limits, it will teach you and your partner a healthier lifestyle.

How to communicate your boundaries

Setting boundaries clearly can be difficult, but you can learn them with practice. Practice with the following strategies:

Use the "I" statement. This allows you to focus on you and doesn't sound like an accusation against the other person.

When your partner is angry, don't engage with them. Don't try to convince them to get rid of their emotions, just tell them you know they're sad and you'll talk to them when they become calm.

Use a soft tone. If you shout or cry, your spouse may only hear your emotions and ignore the points you want to express.

Keep a positive attitude. Setting a line may not make you feel good right away, but it's a healthy thing for both of you.

Don't force results. Your words may be accepted, or your partner may be angry. That's not your responsibility. Be empathetic, but stay firm.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain, but it takes someone with character and self-control to understand and forgive.

Take a step back from your immediate feelings

It's hard to separate strong emotions, especially negative ones, but speaking or showing them from hurt places is likely to only get you and your partner into painful conflict rather than helping each other move on.

Instead, you should think objectively about every criticism your spouse makes. Determine whether these criticisms are constructive or destructive. Again, it's challenging to do this when a comment comes up, but at some point you have to consider whether that criticism is justified. Honestly assess the situation and your role in it. Ask yourself if you have done something, intentionally or unintentionally, that may irritate your partner or make him or her feel disrespected.

Depending on the context, sometimes the best thing to do is to let the words pass rather than make a big fuss. Before confronting your partner, take a deep breath or take a walk to sober yourself up.

Critical criticism: "You didn't clean the house. "

Neutral replied, "Probably you're right." "

Critical criticism: "We have to buy a new car." "

Neutral replied: "This is something worth considering." "

Critical criticism: "I wish you could be more like my mom/dad." "

Neutral replied, "I don't like to make comparisons." "

Critical criticism: "Where did this idiot idea of yours come from?" "

Neutral replied, "I'm not sure. "

Critical criticism: "You're such a mess, you need to try to be a little bit more motivated." "

Neutral replied, "I noticed that too." "

Neutral reactions: Pay attention to your own reactions

One of the most common reactions we have to attacks is the automatic fight or flight response. Fighting is about provoking an argument by using harsh words on your spouse. Avoidance refers to detachment, whether it is physically leaving the room or withdrawing emotionally. These two reactions will only prolong the tension between you and your partner.

A better option is a neutral response – a way to acknowledge your spouse's comments while keeping yourself neutral. This shows that you are listening to the other person while taking the time to calm down before dealing with criticism directly. Such a response would be friendlier and more productive for both sides. They avoid getting involved in power struggles and instead offer a novel solution. I've listed some critical comments below along with appropriate neutral reactions.

Arm yourself with knowledge

One of the best ways to take care of yourself in a difficult situation is to understand it better. There are plenty of books that can help you begin to understand what's going on in your marriage and what you can do.

Michelle Skinny's "Key Companion"

"When you're in a relationship with a picky partner – someone who constantly accuses you and demands of you by unrealistic standards – you may feel picky, unworthy, and unhappy. You may start to wonder if you deserve your partner. This book can help you repair your relationship and fundamentally address the question of why your partner criticizes you, thus enabling both of you to build a more loving and supportive partnership. "

Consider seeking professional help.

Counseling can be a very good source of support for anyone who is going through a difficult time. Another pair of eyes and ears can give you and your partner a new understanding of his or her picky nature.

Even if your spouse isn't willing to attend, you can benefit from talking to someone who understands the dynamics of marriage. You can also learn more about your own patterns and reactions. Just knowing that someone can understand and empathize with your struggles can give you encouragement.

Emotional focus therapy (EFT) is an effective model for reducing estrangement and distance in relationships. This approach needs to address the root causes of the problem in order to eliminate the negative cycle of criticism. The aim is to bring feelings of vulnerability to the foreground. This involves creating a safe space to explore those vulnerable parts of the brain and their corresponding sensations.

When you are confronted with criticism from your partner, do nothing

Avoid the urge to fight back. Taking a counter-attack posture sends a message to your spouse that you need to prove something to him/her.

Never take responsibility for your partner's unhappiness. Reclaim your identity by reducing your reliance on their approval.

Don't allow yourself to be the target of criticism. Not keeping promises and belittling others is a sure way to attract criticism, whether necessary or not.

Don't focus entirely on the negatives. Clinging to the negative will only complicate the problems between you and your partner. Practice counteracting negative effects with positive thoughts and tendencies.

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