© Elina Fairytale/Pexels
Leviathan Press:
The research related to personality is often like this: we look for laws from objective reality, and then backwards to form the causes of such laws, and then come to the conclusion that "if there is such a cause, then something will happen with a high probability". This will provide a reference for some judgments.
The same is true of the theory of "gender embryonicism". Therefore, when we borrow such conclusions to make judgments, we need to be wary of the one-size-fits-all approach that labeling brings. References are references because there are mostly exceptions rather than necessities.
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On one of my most recent dates, the other person admitted that he was a little troubled by meeting me. The reason was that I was too similar to his mother's name.
I don't usually snoop on someone else's mother's privacy on the first date.
But my curiosity desperately needs to be satisfied. It's time to delve into this age-old debate that has lasted for a century — are men always attracted to women who have similar traits to their mothers?
Researchers have long been aware of the effects of "sexual imprinting" on partner choice. In short, people tend to choose the person who most resembles their own opposite-sex parents as spouses. We can find this mate law in all species, whether baboons or butterflies.
In a slightly bizarre study, randomly selected subjects were asked to predictively match photos of different wives with photos of their husbands' mothers (mothers-in-law). The high accuracy of the test results is terrible: the accuracy of the subject's matching with the wife-mother-in-law is even higher than that of the wife-husband.
（www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3130383/）
The results of this study were not unexpected. You may have heard of the fact that men tend to choose women who are more similar to their mothers. One study found that the most reliable predictor of male partner choice was to see if the other partner had the same hair and pupil color as the man's mother. If Freud had known, he would have made a big deal of it.
（www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1090513802001198?via%3Dihub）
But for those who label themselves "MILF," things get even weirder. Another study found that women who were most attracted to men were often the same age as their mothers at birth. As a result, men with young mothers tend to choose younger women, while men with older mothers tend to choose more mature women.
（pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12028768/）
I have mistakenly thought that men are attracted to relatively older women because of their maturity and independence and witty wisdom, while men who devote themselves to young women are attracted to their wonderful posture. But they didn't expect that behind this was their mother secretly doing something.
Interestingly, if a man thinks the woman is too similar to his mother, he may avoid the other person. One study found that when a son and his mother have deep feelings and a gentle relationship, they are more likely to choose a wife similar to their mother; if the relationship between mother and son is tense and emotionally obscure, then he is likely to choose a wife who is not so similar to his mother.
（www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1691703/）
However, it is precisely those unhealthy mother-child relationships that can easily cause big problems.
Dr. Elizabeth Yardley, professor of criminology, is also the author of Mother and Murderer: A Passage About Love, Lies, Obsession... Mothers And Murderers: A True Story of Love, Lies, Obsession ... and Second Chances), she puts it this way: If you ignore the mother-child complex, then your fate may be a body bag.
Yardley believed that mothers had more influence on a man's character than his father. Because since we were born, our mothers have constructed the first experience of life for us with selfless nurturing and protection. And the father is more like a provider, the mother who teaches the young son what selfless love is.
It is this that has a profound effect on the normal development of behavior.
In her research, Yardley found that the murderers and their mothers shared many of the same patterns of behavior. She divides the unhealthy mother-child relationship into three categories. Although her research focused on abnormal behavior, her classification accurately describes the rugged status quo of many mother-child relationships.
Anti-mother
The negative mother is a typical Hitchcock-style shrew. She usually grew up in a turbulent environment accompanied by domestic violence. However, instead of treating her own pain, she chose to become the oppressor of violence, thus embarking on a cycle of continuous abuse.
So her son also brought that abuse to his wife. This is the typical trauma pattern we see in many abusive relationships.
To be clear, not all men with violent mothers end up being violent. Some people internalize or hurt themselves because of the trauma they have suffered. Others will choose women with problems to compensate for their childhood.
© Inc. Magazine
For example, if a man has a mother who is verbally violent and ambitious, he may choose a wife who is also verbally violent to him. He chose an abnormal partner not because he was attracted to violent women, but because he was attracted to the similarity in her. And the seeds of similarity were planted by his mother.
In other cases, men with negative mothers will choose a woman who can be controlled by him and bow down to him because they cannot control their mother.
The last thing I want to say is – beware of any man who describes his mother as an abuser. There was a good chance he was bleeding the same bad blood as his mother.
Uber-mother
If you're in a relationship with someone with a Jackie Chan mother... Be mentally prepared. Asking for her consent is a bumpy and bumpy road. The mother of one of my ex-boyfriends insisted that I was "fishing for a golden turtle", even though I was ten times richer than his family. He was silent about his mother's opinion, and even refused to introduce me to his mother, which I could not accept. A self-loving woman wouldn't be with a man who hid her in front of her mother.
Jackie Chan's mother has a fatal flaw that can destroy all intimacy –her obsession with status.
In the context of such mothers' lives, the walls that prevent her from climbing the walls of social class are often inseparable— racial discrimination, class discrimination, poverty, and so on. Now she was determined that her children would receive all the status and vanity she did not have.
The consequence of this is that the mother calculates the emotional life of her precious son in great detail. She has such high standards for his future wife that she will use ruthless manipulation to cut off anyone he associates with.
Unfortunately, the baton she used to designate her son's future partner was somewhat insatiable. No matter how perfect a person is on paper, she may also be a very bad person.
Passive mother
Passive mothers are typical "well-behaved women". She follows societal expectations and carefully avoids behavior that angers patriarchy. As a result, passive mothers avoid any conflict with her son. Unfortunately, the avoidant approach to homeschooling has also led to a lack of discipline.
Whenever her son does something out of the ordinary, she will use "boys are like this" to prevaricate, or tell herself that it is just a stage of growth, will pass in the future, don't boys like to bully others? Well, not really. Children need to know how to score inches, but passive mothers are afraid to draw boundaries.
This type of mother's failure to educate her son has caused her to respond to denial and psychological manipulation of her son whenever others want to expose her son's bad deeds. When the grown son violently tramples his mother under him, it is time to manipulate other women with the same trick.
© Getty Images
Another consequence that is less frightening is that such mothers usually dote on their children to the point of incurability. We all know the problems that "Ma Bao Man" brings. This type of man usually trembles in front of women who have successfully achieved economic careers and loses their "glory".
Personally, I've found that older men (40+) are more enthusiastic about subservient women than younger men. One possible explanation is that older men usually have mothers who value family more than career. So when they meet a successful woman, they must be puzzled.
We don't need to be psychologists to understand the reasons behind "men choosing wives similar to their own mothers." If the first person to take care of you and make you feel at ease is your mother, then of course you will choose someone who evokes the same emotions as a partner.
All in all, most men have a crush on virtuous women for this reason. Unfortunately, if "virtuousness" replaces all other qualities, problems will follow. In other words, when men only use their wives as nannies, their sexual relationship is also in jeopardy.
There is no greater way to stifle sexual life between husband and wife than when the wife becomes a servant.
Men in front of the screen, if your goal is to be cloudy in the bedroom rather than spotless in the laundry room, then it is recommended that you choose women who have nothing to do with their dear mother. Or at least make sure they don't have the same name.
Text:Carlyn Beccia
Translation/Ishmael
Proofreading/Rabbit's Lingbo microstep
Original/medium.com/heart-affairs/do-men-marry-their-mothers-a690d632e289
This article is based on the Creative Commons License (BY-NC) and is published by Essimal at Leviathan
The views of the author are only those of the author and do not necessarily represent leviathan's position
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