A middle-aged couple chatted late at night until 03 o'clock in the news suddenly caught fire on the Internet.
After reading their stories, some netizens commented: their feelings are like old girlfriends.
Late at night, middle-aged couples, can talk, everything has a response, is nothing more than great happiness.
01
Her friend Ellie is a veteran website editor. One day in June last year, she suddenly couldn't see clearly in her right eye, went to the hospital for examination, and the doctor diagnosed it as "central exudative chorioretinopathy."
This is a very low incidence of eye macular degeneration, the current medical can not find out the exact cause of the disease, but it is obvious, and Ellie's recent excessive use of eyes, the unit semi-annual assessment, work pressure.
When Ellie trembled and asked the doctor if it was serious with the diagnosis sheet, the doctor replied coldly, you must be mentally prepared. At that moment, Ellie was extremely scared.
She was called to the Ophthalmology Department to talk to the doctor. The doctor told her that the disease may not be cured, the most effective method at present is eye injection, the cost of a single injection is more than 10,000 yuan, and there is no guarantee that there will be no return after injection.
Ellie returned home surrounded by a deep sense of panic. When Ellie's husband learned of this, he had always had a good relationship with Ellie, and he did not seem to show too much tension and worry that Ellie expected. At night, Ellie tossed and turned and couldn't sleep, and in addition to fear, worry, and fear, what pained her most was her husband's attitude.
His performance was unexpected by Ellie, and even looked a little calm, and he didn't even say such comforting words as "Don't be afraid, I'm with you."
After a long time, Ellie told me that on that night when she was tossing and turning and couldn't sleep, she was alone, squinting her right eye, aimlessly searching her mobile phone for all kinds of information about the disease, listening to the snoring of the pillow person who was asleep, and the tears wet a large pillow towel, and that night, she felt the cold and despair of the bone!
This incident reminds me of my father-in-law and mother-in-law.
02
The father-in-law and mother-in-law were introduced to each other. At that time, the father-in-law was a young and handsome young man, and the mother-in-law was a smart and beautiful girl. The two did not know each other long before they married and had children. Now, their two little granddaughters are already able to walk.
In the eyes of others, they are a very paired and harmonious couple. On weekdays, they run a small business together; specific to the details of daily life, it is the father-in-law buying vegetables, the mother-in-law cooking, the father-in-law washing dishes, and the mother-in-law washing. I don't know if it was an agreement between them or a tacit understanding gradually reached in daily life.
In short, there is very little verbal communication between them, but their actions are almost seamless. I always thought that the feelings of the in-laws and in-laws were extremely fulfilling.
Until today in the mother-in-law's house, and mother-in-law deep chat, I learned that the original so many years, the mother-in-law in the heart of a grievance and dissatisfaction, on the one hand, the mother-in-law remembers that the father-in-law did not listen to her instructions when he was young, not diligent enough and gu family;
On the other hand, the biggest dissatisfaction in her heart is that her father-in-law's words are particularly rare, and many times she can't get a response to talking to each other, which makes her resentment bigger and bigger, and slowly, her mother-in-law does not like to communicate with her father-in-law, but dances and chats with her sisters.
When she was young, her mother-in-law had a relatively large operation, and after the operation, she went home to recuperate, and her father-in-law did not have much companionship and comfort, which made her mother-in-law always grumpy.
I wanted to find out, so I took a hard look at my father-in-law. I saw him busy with family chores every day, full of loving eyes when he looked at his little granddaughter, and happy from the bottom of his heart when he teased the baby when he played, all of which made him look like he was definitely not a person with indifferent feelings.
The reason why the mother-in-law has such a deep resentment is, to a large extent, the lack of language and the lack of response of the father-in-law.
This mode of getting along between my father-in-law and mother-in-law, in China, is much more. Perhaps we Chinese men, especially those born in the 60s and 70s, have a kind of silence and introspection that is almost from the bones.
This comes from the general material deprivation and family burden of the era when they grew up, but also from the anxiety formed under the influence of the heavy family burden of their ancestors, and even more from the parenting concept of the elders: men should be patient, do more and say less. In their time, the general perception of marriage was a common experience of economic life and a function of succession, rather than a vehicle for emotional and spiritual communication.
This lack of response is marked by a specific era, but I believe that their feelings, even if they are like a black-and-white movie and a silent pantomime, have a solid and deep foundation of feelings.
03
Other "non-responses" may be due to personality or emotional changes.
For a while, the details of Yi Nengjing's daily life with her husband Qin Hao were presented to everyone in "Mother is Superman". Before, there was not much attention paid to Yi Nengjing and her love affair with Qin Hao. It's just that in the impression, Yi Nengjing is a strong, independent, and attitudeal woman.
Of course, the impression is that she is also a person who pursues perfection. For example, at her and Qin Hao's wedding scene, guests are not allowed to take photos of the wedding scene privately and publish them on personal social platforms, but they must be processed by her team and released later. It is such a woman who pursues to lose her image in front of the public, what is the real family life between her and her husband?
There is such a scene in "Mom is Superman" that is impressive.
Yi Nengjing came to Shanghai from Taiwan and made a hot pot for her husband. Mr. Qin ate the delicious food made by his wife, and Yi Nengjing fed the baby to eat vegetable puree, which was originally a harmonious and happy scene. In such a scene, usually girls like a little romantic or lively atmosphere.
Yi Nengjing: Dad said he was going to take us to a delicious restaurant for dinner. There are many beautiful restaurants in Shanghai. The two of us went to a lot of beautiful restaurants when we were in Shanghai, do you remember?
Qin Hao: ... (No response, eat alone)
I: Come to that Oriental Hotel, I'm there, do you remember?
Qin: ... (No response, eat alone)
I: Did you forget?
Qin: ... (No response)
Yi: What if I really can't have children? Yes?
Qin: You won't be unable to give birth. (Finally speaking!) ）
Yi: I remember when I finished filming "The Queen" in Shanghai, I wanted to do IVF. I told you at the time, do you remember?
Qin: Hmm. (Finally responded with a tone word!) ）
I: I was still crying, on the Bund side, when the two of us were walking. In the end, you told me that if you can't be born, you can't forget it.
Qin: ... (Do not respond, eat alone)
I: So you like children so much, you like children a lot... (Continue rendering the atmosphere)
Qin: What if you can't get born? (Calm response)
I: You weren't very happy when I had grains of rice. (Squirming)
Qin: This is normal. It's normal to go with the flow. Why, as for crying? (Yes, having a baby is indeed a very natural thing for most people, however, Yi Neng Jingsheng's age of millet is already 47 years old, and she is a baby born at the risk of advanced maternal age))
Yi: Your dad is so calm! Mom cried like a dog... (Spoiled, aggrieved)
……
I: I want another one! (Continue to try to ignite each other's emotions)
Qin: ... (Expressionless, as if completely unheard, eating alone)
I: If you can ask for another one, ask for another one! (Persistence, not giving up, trying to continue to ignite the other party's emotions)
Qin: ... (Look up twice.) It was as if it hadn't been heard at all. This time, I didn't even eat the hot pot, and I directly flashed people. ）
I have to say that such a scene, such a dialogue, such a way of responding, for Yi Nengjing, who is so eager for years of quiet and perfect love, the personality and temper she showed are quite gentle and restrained.
And her emotional intelligence is also worthy of recognition, for example, she is particularly good at discovering and praising her husband's merits, affirming and appreciating his efforts, and considering each other everywhere.
Although she and her husband are a typical "sister-brother love" with an age difference of 10 years, Yi Nengjing shows attachment and bird-like side from time to time, for example, on the way to the restaurant with her husband, Yi Nengjing is like a little girl who has been rewarded, holding her husband's arm, kissing her husband's arm like a chicken pecking rice, constantly saying "good miss", telling her husband, "I have left everything you sent me", indicating that she cherishes each other and cherishes their hard-won feelings.
After the broadcast of this program, a large wave of netizens expressed strong doubts about Qin Hao's attitude. Afterwards, Yi Nengjing posted a long microblog in response to this matter, supporting Qin Hao.
But it has to be said that the shots are sometimes more penetrating and expressive than monologues. Words can be emotionally processed, but live footage can sometimes betray the truth. The way the husband and wife communicate and interact is like a monitor of the relationship between husband and wife, and it is like a stage play performed by the two together. If only one person in this show talks to himself, isn't it a lot less fun?
In fact, I would rather believe that they are in love with each other and have a deep emotional foundation, and I am more willing to believe that Qin Hao's "no response" in the show is not because of their emotional changes, but really just because of their personality, and I hope that they can get the happiness they want in the future.
But I have to say that facing a partner like Qin Hao is undoubtedly a challenge for Yi Nengjing, who has high emotional intelligence.
And bless her with the happiness she wants.
04
If the first two types of "non-response" may be due to traditional concepts, the imprint of the times, emotional changes or personalities, then there is another kind of non-response that is emotional indifference or "cold violence".
Ah Hong once told me about her marriage.
She met her current husband when she was in middle school, and she loved him very much, although she couldn't say where she loved him, but she was very persistent in identifying this feeling. Ah Hong is the kind of character who is calm in the face of things and hardly argues with people. In the marriage, she worked hard, thought of each other everywhere, and spoke softly.
Her husband also does her family responsibilities, in terms of finances and care for her children, she can score 80 points, but after returning home, she does not like to talk and communicate with her. She tried everything she could to talk to her husband, so she edited a long, long text message and wrote a letter from the bottom of her heart to the other party.
However, the other party only replied with a short "um" and "oh", or simply ignored it and did not respond. Their marriage has gone through nearly ten years under Ah Hong's insistence.
I asked her if she had been happy these ten years? She smiled faintly and was silent. In that faint smile, there was not even bitterness in sight, but it felt that the face was very lifeless, even less glorious, and the smile made people feel pale. She was in her early thirties and looked as if she were in her forties.
How does a relationship affect a woman's state? In a family life that lasts for years or even decades, facing an indifferent, unresponsive, zombie-like partner, he/she may not hurt you, but it is absolutely impossible to nourish you.
The indifferent, unresponsive partner, excluding the factors of marital feelings and getting along, may be factors of the other party's personality traits, or it may be a profound influence of his/her original family. For example, people who are avoidant attachment in intimate relationships are not very visible during the relationship stage because they have not yet entered the deep stages of the intimate relationship.
But once you enter the marriage relationship, into the deep realm of intimacy, then the avoidance characteristics of the process of getting along will become more and more obvious. To a certain extent, this avoidance is a self-protection mechanism for them, through "avoidance", so that they feel familiar and safe.
If your partner falls into this type of "no response," it is advisable to seek professional psychological help.
05
Back to Ellie's story.
After that accidental lesion, how is her relationship with her husband now?
In a chat, Ellie told me that the day after she cried wet napkins and was desperate, her husband accompanied her to the hospital. They are only middle-income people, and the price of treatment of more than 10,000 yuan per injection is undoubtedly a big expense for them, and the key is not to ensure the treatment effect.
Ellie intends to treat conservatively, but her husband is very determined to treat according to the doctor's advice. The cost of treatment, she said, was too high. Her husband said that no matter how high the cost, the family should be ruined to cure your eyes.
Ellie told me that at that moment, just her husband's words, she let go of all the doubts about her importance in his mind, and understood all his intentions.
Later, she asked her husband, my diagnosis at that time was so serious, why didn't you particularly comfort me. Her husband said that because I felt that comfort could not solve the problem, I thought about how to help you cure it.
Look, it turns out that love has always been there, never diminished, but in different ways. Sometimes, women's sensitivity, anxiety, and insecurity tend to make it easy for them to negatively interpret each other's words or actions.
Later, Ellie's husband regularly accompanied her to the hospital for injection treatment. After each injection, the eye of the injected person should be blindfolded with white gauze on the same day. Ellie, who loves beauty, stared at the white gauze walking on the road, looked at the eyes of passers-by, and said that she had now become a "one-eyed dragon".
My husband held her hand tightly and said, I don't hate you anyway. At that moment, Ellie said, her heart was full of peace and happiness.
How many women have experienced the inability to sleep in the middle of the night tormented by heartache, listening to the snoring of the people on the pillow, and feeling the bottomless sadness and despair? However, sometimes, can we also think about the problem from another perspective: women are emotional animals, and they like to talk, express, and communicate. Being listened to is a great kind of care and love for them.
Men, on the other hand, are rational animals, they are less adept at expressing emotions, they do not like to talk about their hearts, they are more willing to focus on the goal, solve problems, and show their strength and strength.
Sometimes, instead of hoping that the other party will guess their own thoughts and needs, women should take the initiative to tell each other their thoughts and expectations, for a couple of men and women who love each other, men may prefer to get direct instructions rather than speculate on each other's thoughts.
Therefore, there are many kinds of situations in marriage, such as traditional concepts, the branding of the times, personality, emotional changes, emotional indifference, "cold violence", or just the natural thinking habits and communication differences between the sexes. Finding the reason and knowing each other can make us more calm and peaceful in marriage and gender relations.