Xiao Fang (pseudonym), who has consulted for half a year, said:
Teacher Wen Jing, now I finally understand what you said at that time, "Although you don't have a boyfriend, you are not single" sentence.
Xiaofang belongs to the kind of three tall women, with a good career, education, and height, but she has not had a stable boyfriend.
Seeing that she was almost 35 years old, she was anxious herself.
After the family marriage crash during the New Year, I found me due to anxiety and insomnia.
She said she didn't understand, "How can I be so good?" ”
After doing consulting for so many years, I have heard a lot of this.
It sounds like the better the career of a girl, the harder it is to get off the list.
Xiaofang is very strange:
"I feel very smooth in communicating with customers and girls, how come I don't know how to communicate when I get to a blind date?" There was always a lot of conflict with the ex-boyfriend before, and it was difficult to integrate!
I used to think it was the problem of these men, but now that I am still single for a long time, I began to wonder if it was my own reason, such as being too strong? ”
In fact, for excellent single girls, excellent, successful career, strong, difficult to communicate are the reasons why it is difficult to get off the list consciously.
In fact, if you go deeper, there are still many motivations, especially the motivation of the family, so that they are afraid of marriage.
Motivation one: Now society is tolerant of older single women, so that women can enjoy a single state without being so discriminated against.
Although some people in society still have a bad label for older single women, they are still relatively inclusive than before.
I remember hearing from the older generation when I was a child that women who were old and unmarried would be called "old aunts", but the word seems to appear rarely now.
Many women think that I am living very well alone, and I feel that getting married is to raise one more "child", and it is not as comfortable as being single.
Although Xiaofang is single, she has many girlfriends who drink tea and chat together, or pass the lonely and cold time through work.
Although she does not have a boyfriend, she has a lot of people around her, and her psychology is not alone!
Motivation 2: The impact of parental relationships, especially in families where parents divorce, infidelity, domestic violence, and cold violence before the age of six.
As the consultation deepened, Xiaofang slowly talked about the relationship between her parents.
Her parents are working outside the home, her father is cheating, and her mother is her sustenance. From childhood to adulthood, she had to take care of her mother's emotions, and there was almost no adolescent rebellious period.
He is also very conflicted with his father, on the one hand, he hates his father, on the other hand, he is really afraid of his father's departure, and he has to please his father.
Such an experience made her have some fears and even no hope for marriage.
In fact, families like Xiaofang are not a minority in China.
Many girls, when recalling their parental relationship when they were young, will say that they don't want marriage like their parents.
Because when they were young, their parents were full of complaints and quarrels, so that they felt that the marriage was full of grievances and misfortunes.
Parents have no good example in the marriage relationship, so they have no expectations for marriage.
So although there is no boyfriend, but because the parents' former relationship "accompanies" them, their psychology is not alone.
Motivation 3: Growing up, I was influenced by a culture of son preference.
Xiaofang has a younger brother who is six years younger than her, and her mother lost her job because of her younger brother.
Until her brother was born, her mother was not welcomed by her grandmother. Because the mother gave birth to a girl, did not give birth to a boy.
Xiaofang recalled that what her mother used to say to Xiaofang was, "You have to fight for anger, let Grandma look up to us!" ”
To be excellent, to be competitive, to be obedient, to be sensible, all the way through her childhood.
She grew up competing with her brother and with her male classmates at school.
Girls like Xiaofang, who live in a patriarchal family, need to be excellent and exist, and boys are a competitive position, often have the idea of beating men.
They compete with boys in school.
In recent years, there have been more and more female leaders on the examination list, even exceeding the number of boys, which may be related to the excellent motivation of women brought by patriarchy.
They compete with their male colleagues in their social work.
When they want to find a boyfriend, they all shout that I want to find a man who can "lower" me, and the subconscious is that men are unreliable and not as good as me. It's still competing.
In the end, they live themselves as men, and they live with a man in their hearts, so they don't have to.
If it is an only female family, they must prove that they are not inferior to boys, and they can also honor their ancestors and provide for their parents.
When Xiaofang slowly saw the impact of society on her, she said that although work can accompany me, girlfriends can often accompany, but in the middle of the night when people are quiet alone, it is really lonely, although the next day they came together and forgot.
She put aside these obstacles, admitting that she really needed intimacy, and admitting that she was really lonely, which was a real feeling.
She saw the influence of her original family on her, and although she was not in the same city as her parents and brother, she still "carried" them forward.
Let go of the heart to fight for them, let go of the life of her parents and brothers, and take responsibility for her own life, not for her family and parents, she feels relaxed and free!
She sees the influence of patriarchal preference on herself, and she often has a strong sense of competition with boys.
She took out the man who lived in her heart and put him in an equal position with herself. When she felt safe and supportive, she dared to slowly dare to rely on it.
Therefore, to take off the order, first "take off" the order!
Take off the subconscious obstacles, take off the shackles of the family, and take off the identity of real men and false women.
Then you can pack lightly, slowly attract people with the same order, and slowly take off the order!
Author: Qiu Wenjing
National second-level psychological counselor, 10 years of practice
Shen Jiahong psychological counselor
Member of the Family Therapy Committee of Shenzhen Psychological Counselors Association
The first mediation mediator of Shenzhen Metropolis Channel