Nowadays, divorce rates are getting higher and higher, and many families have incompatible relationships. Speaking of trivialities in the family, whether the man or the woman will point out a lot of bad things about the other party, thinking that the other party will make the marriage problem.
For example, some women often accuse the man, saying that the man has a bad habit of drinking, smoking and playing cards, and even cheating at home; there are complaints from the man, the woman loves to nag and complain at home, or does not care about the family, does not know how to educate children, etc.
In the face of marital dissatisfaction, they often take the form of quarrelling, cold violence, or divorce. There are also some women who see the man cheating, and simply find friends of the opposite sex outside, feeling that everyone is disgusted with each other, and their hearts will be balanced.
In fact, they don't understand that marriage, on the surface, is a matter of two people, in essence, it has always been a matter of one person, it is the practice of one person, and others do not have the right to decide your life and determine your happiness.
01. Why is marriage a one-person affair?
When you see marriage as a matter for two people, you will focus on each other and neglect to pay attention to your own inner needs. You will invisibly decide whether you should do something according to the behavior of the other party, so that your life will be bound by the other half.
For example, when your husband comes home from work, looking at the mobile phone on the sofa with Erlang's legs crossed, you have to be busy cleaning up the housework, you have to cook for the family, for a long time, you have accumulated too much resentment in your heart, thinking why am I so busy, but he is so idle? When you rush home from work, but your hometown is wandering outside, drinking with your brothers until late, this will make you complain, start to condemn each other, everyone blames each other, and the more contradictions gather. Many marriages are finally dissolved because these small things accumulate over time, which ultimately affects the feelings between husband and wife.
When you see marriage as a matter of two people, you will always stare at each other, and his every move will affect your mood and sorrow, and likewise, it will also make your relationship form a vicious circle. He looks for an affair, and you look for it; he looks for friends to play with, and you go to the mall; he is addicted to the dance floor every day, and you go to the bar. This way of getting along will only make you consume yourself in marriage.
02. Give up changing the other person's mind
The root cause of unhappiness in many marriages is that both partners are trying to change the other person and make him the way you want him to be. People who hold this kind of thinking will most likely be disappointed in the end. Because in this world, no one is tailor-made for you, everyone comes from a different original family, has their own different living habits, and their own defects.
The greater the expectations tend to be in a marriage, the greater the disappointment. When in love, he may hide his true side in order to catch up with you, say sweet words every day, bring you food and drink every day, and pick you up and drop off you to and from work. When you get angry, he will hold back his temper, apologize to you, and make you feel that he is a man who can change himself for love.
But such a pretense can only be done in a short period of time together. After marriage, when two people are in chai rice oil and salt, the feelings slowly cool down, and everyone will return to their most comfortable and authentic appearance. He will no longer accommodate others and will not see the flaws in himself. When you complain about him, he may only feel that you are a person full of negative energy and will not introspect himself.
In order to change each other, some couples quarreled all their lives, made a lifetime of awkwardness, and in the end no one changed anyone. Therefore, in marriage, it is best not to hold the purpose of changing each other. At any time, the only thing you can change is yourself, adjust your mentality, learn to grow, make yourself valuable, and grasp the initiative in marriage.
03. Marriage is a matter of one person and a person's cultivation
When you treat marriage as a person's cultivation, you will take the focus back from the other person, and what the other party does has nothing to do with you, that is his personal choice. And you just need to do what you have to do to make yourself more valuable and better. When you raise your sense of value, you will have a much lower sense of need for others, and you will become calm about some things in marriage that you are not used to.
A good relationship is inherently a match of values. When you continue to develop on the good side, he stops where he is, or even backwards, so that in your marital relationship, you will always have the initiative and will not be entangled in whether to divorce or not. You can still live well when you want to leave the marriage; you will also have your own happiness when you choose to stay in the marriage. That's because of your own sense of worth.
For example, when he's eating and drinking at the wine table, you're sweating profusely in the gym, and two or three years later, he's a big-bellied fat guy and your figure is still charming; when he sits at the poker table and plays cards for a long time, you sit at the table to learn professional knowledge and recharge yourself. A few years later, he is still dazed in his position, and you, because of the improvement of professional skills, the salary is much higher than the original. In this marriage, who has the initiative is clear at a glance.
In marriage, only if you have the initiative can you have the ability to make yourself happy and happy. Learning to cultivate herself in an unhappy marriage, making herself better, and becoming the ideal person is what a woman really should do.
Some women may say, there is so much housework, I have to take care of the children, I have to go to work, I have to do housework, how can I be busy? In my opinion, giving up the demand for perfection is the greatest kindness to oneself. Some things can't be done, and if conditions permit, you can ask someone to help. Because instead of satisfying the other person, you should first satisfy yourself and learn to love yourself.
Don't pin the happiness of life on the other half, don't rely on others. It is good to have a confidant lover, but when you can't meet it, you don't have to complain about yourself. Every marriage is a practice. Everyone who makes us uncomfortable is on the path of this life to temper us, and because of them, we can get closer to our true selves.
Let go of complaining, let us return to the heart, rediscover the peace of mind, look for the self that is lost in life. All changes are due to inner changes. When we start to change ourselves, we will slowly feel that happiness is moving closer to ourselves.
I hope that you and I in marriage can treat marriage as a self-cultivation, get rid of expectations of others, and concentrate on being ourselves. At the same time as reconciling with yourself, reconciling with others, learning to understand, tolerate and accept, and eventually becoming the expected self.